“FoxNews is a bigger threat to America than any terrorist organization – just look at their treatment of Rosie O’Donnell. Scary stuff.” – Simon Cowell virtually bites the hand that feeds him.

I recently got together with an ex-boyfriend from about 15 years ago. No, not the one who broke my heart into a million little pieces – although they do share the same name (but I believe that ex still has a restraining order out on me). In my mind, I’ve kinda lumped these two together, which may explain some of my trepidation. Prior to this reunion, he remained eternally 22. Then reality set in. The first thing I thought when I saw him was “Boy, has he gotten old.” My next thought was, “If he’s old, what the fuck am I?” Once past that initial shock, I have to say this meeting was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had in a long time. I won’t bore you with the details, but if you ever have the chance to revisit what was a negative experience and redefine it as a positive one, do it. I’m so glad I did.

Speaking of revisiting the past, what is it about those Destiny’s Child chicks? They seem to be completely incapable of walking and lip-synching without falling down. Up until today, my favorite was when Michelle fell down on BET’s “106 & Park” and Beyoncé, wearing a bikini top, never even glanced over. About a week ago, Kelly simply passed out while doing a concert in Nigeria – obviously she’s never read eBay’s warnings about that place. But, perhaps the fall to end all falls was Beyoncé in Orlando. Now, you gotta understand, Beyoncé has a lot going on – there are high-powered fans blowing her from all directions, hair extensions flying in her face, high heels she’s trying to balance on, and a big coat that she’ll eventually slip out of. So, when she tried to walk down the stairs while doing a dance move reminiscent of an epileptic fit, it was almost expected that she’d stumble. Not only did she fall, she fell face-first down the flight of stairs! Strangely, the vocals for “Ring The Alarm” never stopped – funny, huh? After recovering, Beyoncé said, “If you taped that, please don’t put it on YouTube” – which may explain why the moment someone posts it on that site it gets deleted.

I’m gonna take a second to mourn the sudden passing of Patricia Darcy-Jones. My readers probably know her better as Patti Darcy, who was Cher’s back-up singer (and best friend) for the better part of the past two decades. She was an amazing talent and a helluva gal. Rest in peace.

I’m probably the only gossip columnist who is completely and utterly uninterested in Lindsay Lohan. Well, I’m almost completely uninterested. What I did find interesting was the report from X17 stating that Lohan offered them some exclusive photos in exchange for $30,000! Rumor has it, Lohan has made similar deals with other photographers in the past and allegedly this money was used for a growing drug addiction – cash needed because of frozen assets. Of course, we don’t know if this is true, but the words “ecstasy” and “cocaine” have been bandied about for quite some time.

BTW, I never commented on Lindsay’s Fourth of July beach party because, well, who cares. But one of the guys who made his way to the Malibu soirée was the very hunky, very sexy, very shirtless son of Lorenzo Lamas - who’s no slouch in the hunk department himself. This kid, AJ, puts his father to shame.

Which leads directly into an item about Papa Lamas. Didya know Lorenzo is a singer? This past year, he did a cabaret show at Feinstein’s in NYC, which was well received. I’ve actually heard him hit some high notes in the past, but enough about my sex life. Lamas will be appearing at the Ogunquit Playhouse in Maine in a production of The King and I – presumably he is playing “The King” and not “I.” Also in the cast is sexy Paolo Montalban, whom you might remember from the television production of “Cinderella” opposite that vehicular menace, Brandy. The production runs Aug. 7 - 25, and you can get more info at www.OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Paris Hilton is allegedly taking voice lessons for an upcoming film musical. Well, why not take the two genres she’s failed at – singing and acting – and put them together? A sex scene would derail that idea.

Time for an installment of Fayewatch. It’s a mini-item, but it just makes me giggle. On opening weekend, Faye Dunaway was seen skulking into a Saturday morning screening of Hairspray at The Grove in Hollywood. To look more incognito and blend in with the crowd, Dunaway donned a sailor’s cap! Aye, matey!

We’ll slip in two quick “Ask Billy” questions. The first comes from Kenny in Los Angeles: “I loved Barbra’s son Jason [Gould] in The Prince of Tides. But that’s over 10 years ago. With all the health issues, how is he doing?”

I’m told Jason’s health is quite good – no major relapses to mention. He’s been living in New York City, but recently joined his famous mom in Europe for a portion of her tour.

Next up is Kevin in Atlanta: “I am obsessed with TJ Wilks, from that Janice Dickinson show. He’s so dreamy. Any stories about him? Any photos of him naked? Anything at all?”

Friends close to Janice tell me TJ is straight, but that certainly doesn’t mean gay men don’t admire his physique – after all, he was on the cover of DNA, that sexy Aussie magazine catering to a crowd that enjoys going down under. The closest to naked photos we’ve uncovered are some risqué undies shots. Wilks has been signed to be the face (and pelvis) of Andrew Christian’s latest underwear campaign. The slogan is “Some things are better with attitude” – and TJ gives us his best “come hither” stare.

For some reason, rocker Anthony Keidis decided to whip out his dick on a plane trip, and the person next to him snagged a couple of snaps with his cell phone. No one has asked for the photos, but I think the column could use a little more cock.

When I’m slipping you a little something extra, it’s definitely time to end another column. You know what’s funny about this Lindsay Lohan crap? Who would have ever thought Tara Reid would be the role model? Yeah, she’s a party girl whose breasts fall out of her dress with alarming regularity. But, we never see her driving drunk. Of course, that’s because she usually goes home with a different guy every night – she’s like a mainland Natalee Holloway!

If you have any questions, feel free to write me at billy@billymasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before 15 more years slip by! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.