“If wishes came true, Ryan Seacrest would have AIDS.” – Brian Dunkleman, onstage at LA’s Laugh Factory. For his next joke, he’ll commit suicide. Oh, wait, he’s already done that – professional suicide, that is.

Barbra Streisand as “Fanny Brice.” Carol Channing as “Dolly Levi.” Ethel Merman as “Mama Rose.” Jennifer Holliday as “Effie White.” These ladies and their iconic roles are timeless and, aside from Babs, exist only in the memories of theatergoers who were lucky enough to catch them on the stage. I’m far too young to have seen the original production of any of these shows. But this past week, I got to travel back in time and experience Jennifer Holliday as “Effie” at Atlanta’s Fox Theatre – and it was worth the trip.

I’m amused by people who criticized Holliday for playing the role 30 years after her original run – as if they wouldn’t drop everything and fly to NYC if Streisand decided to do “Funny Girl” again. Carol did “Dolly” well into her 70s, and people would still flock to see her now in her 80s. That’s theatre – suspend your disbelief, or stay home.

The good news is that Holliday fits in fine with the excellent cast. You never looked on stage and thought, “Who’s that old lady playing ‘Effie’?” That said, one can’t pretend that the past 30 years haven’t taken their toll. Holliday starts off with very little energy (I should add that I saw the final matinee, the day after she did two shows). Once “Move” kicked in, Holliday threw herself into the role and gave it her all – and the audience ate up every moment. Best of all, for the finale of the first act, she was wearing the pink blouse!

Vocally, some of the higher-lying ensemble lines are taxing for her. One contentious point is that her big solos were transposed down a major third – which is four half tones. A few years ago, Holliday actually had charts written in the lower key and travels with them. I heard about this in advance, but it really didn’t matter in the actual performance. There is a long tradition of transposition – Streisand takes songs down a bit; Even Domingo has transposed some operas to the point that they’re baritone roles. Ultimately, I would rather hear something sung well in a lower key than have the person struggle in the original key. At the BET Awards, Holliday certainly struggled and was all growl and rasp. In Atlanta, she sang much better – albeit as mannered and theatrical as ever.

I went to the last performance of the run with my cohort Jenifer Lewis - who has a long association with the show. She played the role of “Effie” in the workshop prior to the Broadway run (she and Holliday spent some time figuring out this chronology). We were joined by Angela Bassett, who is making a movie in Atlanta with Jenifer, and Ann Nesby from “Sounds of Blackness” (and grandmother to Paris Bennett). While in Holliday’s dressing room, we were surprised by Sheryl Lee Ralph – the original “Deena.” I have to admit, I have no idea what this little gay white boy was doing sitting there with all these black divas, but I loved every minute of it – and was snapping my camera like crazy.

I have to share one anecdote with you. A fan came backstage with the original Dreamgirls LP for Holliday to sign (Sheryl Lee signed it, too). When Jennifer got out her marker, she said, “I’m not gonna make it out to you – and I’m not gonna date it. That way, if times ever get tough, it’ll be worth more when you sell it on eBay.” Wise words from a woman who knows...

The night before Miss Lewis and I saw Dreamgirls, I was in Miami with Dan Renzi seeing Sandra Bernhard. I’m telling you, I had divas coming and going! I think you all know I am a devotee of Miss Sandra. She can do it all, and I adore her (and her hunk pianist Mitch Kaplan). The crowd at the Colony Theatre loved it too - except perhaps the couple in front of me. The older brunette had his arm around the twinky bleached blonde (not that I’m one to talk). First the blonde was licking the brunette’s fingers, and then sucking his thumb. When he suddenly dropped his head into the brunette’s lap, I wondered which show to watch! But, when the blonde started answering e-mail on his iPhone, I was pissed. I read over his shoulder something about an appointment with his gymnastic coach. I figured he was limber, but you’re in a theatre, Mary Lou – have some respect!

Star Jones has revealed that she achieved her weight loss with gastric bypass surgery. Wait – let me put on my surprised face! Starlet says she didn’t immediately go public because she wasn’t sure if the surgery would work. She also revealed that at her heaviest, she got up to 307 pounds – which is the equivalent of four Nicole Richies!

Rosie O’Donnell has announced she will be returning to the New York stage in the musical “No, No, Nanette.” The production will be put on by Encores and will run May 8-12, 2008. The part of “Pauline” is a non-singing role, but director Walter Bobbie said, “The idea of the curtain going down and seeing Rosie in a maid’s uniform with a vacuum cleaner.... Well, I’m already in heaven. I think that’s the way America wants to see Rosie.” I’m not sure if this is a compliment or a dig!

I have time for a brief “Ask Billy” question. Josh in Baltimore asks: “I think Donny Deutsch is a hot daddy. Do you know anything about him?”

He’s not my type, but I totally see the attraction (if he’d lose those damn granny glasses). He’s allegedly a big pussy hound and man enough to wear a Speedo – and so hetero that he doesn’t care if his tan lines match! Incidentally, Donny’s former art director leaked the photo of his boss in the Speedo (hence the word “former”).

When I’m throwing around terms like “pussy hound,” it’s definitely time to end another column. I know - I fit in “pussy hound” but not a single penis. What’s happening to me? I must be distracted because someone has threatened to sue me! Oh, if only it were Tom Cruise. But it’s some nobody who claims he is (allegedly) losing work because of a story I wrote which was accompanied by some nude photos he posed for. If this continues, I will tell all. For your more probing queries, drop a note to billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I walk into court in a big hat, sunglasses and veil! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.