“It’s not that hard to attract hot guys. All you need is one of two things – beauty or bucks. You’ve got beauty. But I’ve got bucks!” – Michael Huffington (former spouse of Arianna) tells a very good-looking passerby how he happened to be in the company of the hottest boys on the beach in Provincetown on the Fourth of July.

This past week, I was in South Beach to spend some time with “Amazing Race” winner Chip Arndt – who has a big project about to be launched (I’m sworn to secrecy...for now). Later that evening, I met up with a young lad from Chicago who happened to be traveling on the dime of an older gent (not unlike Mr. Huffington). When I ungallantly referred to the tyke as a hooker, he vigorously disagreed. “Sure, the guy is unattractive, but he’s paying for the trip. So while he’s plowing me, I just lie there and think of the things he’ll buy me afterwards.” Honey, that’s the definition of “hooker.” Then again, he didn’t charge me!

Denise Richards wants Charlie Sheen back in her life – but not in her vagina. This past week, we learned that Richards formally requested some of Charlie’s sperm – which I don’t believe falls under the community property laws. Charlie said, “There was a request for a donation,” and that “there is a specific document relating to this that I am going to reserve for a court.” As much as Richards doesn’t want to be married to Sheen, she likes his genes. That’s like wanting dessert but not wanting to sit through dinner. Needless to say, Charlie has politely declined – via an interview with “Entertainment Tonight.”

In some actual gay baby news, congratulations to former “Roseanne” star Sara Gilbert, who gave birth to a baby girl on Aug. 2. Sawyer Gilbert Adler is Sara’s first biological child, but is the second child she shares with partner Allison Adler. Adler gave birth to son Levi three years ago.

Ricky Martin wants kids, but feels his child-bearing years are behind him. The songstress told reporters in Puerto Rico that he’d like to adopt a child from every continent, although when pressed for an exact number, he was temporarily stumped. I’m not sure exactly where Martin’s legal residence is, but in Florida there’s that pesky box on the adoption forms that could be problematic.

No one loves adopting kids more than Mia Farrow – but her children may soon find themselves with an absentee mom. The kook wrote a letter to the president of Sudan asking that he release an ailing Darfur rebel who is being held captive. And, get this, Mia has offered to take the captive’s place. Quick, someone get that gal a ticket on Air Sudan!

Two reality studs have gone out of their way to proclaim their heterosexuality. First up is Nick from “Big Brother,” who seemed to be taunting the gay residents with hints that he could be “had.” Now that he’s out of the house, he’s whistling a different tune. “I am definitely 100 percent straight. Had nothing to do with men ever. But I am a very comfortable guy with my sexuality, and I do find men attractive, and I can say that because I’m comfortable with my sexuality.” Because, you know, he’s comfortable with his sexuality. OY!

Greg Hernandez, who is a writer for the LA Daily News and has a blog “Out in Hollywood,” was waiting to interview Amy Brenneman and he ran into Andy Baldwin (at which point I’d have said, “Amy who?”). When he told “The Bachelor” that many people admire Baldwin’s sexy Speedo pics, Andy said, “Some people are all show and no grow.” Greg then explained that most of his readers were gay men. Baldwin said, “I’m definitely straight, heterosexual and I have a lot of friends who may not be.” Or they may be.

One of the most anticipated Broadway productions this fall is the revival of Terrance McNally’s The Ritz. This landmark play, set in a gay bath house, opens on Oct. 11 and will star Rosie Perez, Kevin Chamberlin, and the talented and sexy Brooks Ashmanskas. But buried in the listing of smaller parts is the name of gay porn legend Ryan Idol playing a “Patron.” This means that plans for Ryan’s long-delayed autobiographical show, “My Messy Bedroom,” will be pushed to the back burner. It also means that Ryan Idol is making his Broadway debut! This is certainly a sign that the rapture is coming. Of course, the first sign was that Anita Baker song ...

Speaking of Broadway, Lance Bass makes his debut in Hairspray on Aug. 14 playing “Corny Collins.” I’m told that the rehearsal period caused some angst for the cast, who had to relearn all of his numbers in a significantly lower key to accommodate Bass’ somewhat limited range. Hey, if Jennifer Holliday can transpose some songs, why not Lance?

Victor in Minneapolis contributes this week’s “Ask Billy” question: “I heard about a fireman who was caught doing porn. What’s the story and is he hot?”

There’s SO much more to this story. Michael Biserta is a NYC fireman and also the cover model for the FDNY’s popular calendar, “2008 Calendar of Heroes.” Alas, that is not Mikey’s only claim to fame. He also is featured in the 2004 DVD “Guys Gone Wild” – kinda like the “Girls Gone Wild” videos, except instead of girls showing their tits for some beads at Mardi Gras, Biserta proudly shows off his penis to gals in a Cancun hotel room. He really got their attention with his self-proclaimed nine-and-a-half-inch cock (which is also pretty damn thick). Without much prodding, he whips it out, insisting the gals not only film his dick, but also his face – a crucial mistake. While on camera, he plays with it, fluffs it, lathers it up in the shower, and shows that he can wrap it around his wrist (and, presumably, choke a horse, as they say). The bad news is this revelation has lead to the FDNY canceling future calendars.

Since I did so much work this week, our “Could it be...” item is brought to you from my sister in gossip, the delightful Janet Charlton.

Could it be that a hot hunk of an actor is desperate to have a career? He’s young, pretty, and stupid, and the only decent acting job he ever got was because he slept with the TV series creator. The show made him rather famous, but that’s over, and now his career is faltering. He’s getting ready to make the ultimate sacrifice of switching teams once again. He’s got his eye on a powerful and connected member of Hollywood’s gay mafia who’s known for having lavish parties and helping the cute young guys he sleeps with.

When I’m giving airtime to my colleagues, it’s definitely time to end another column. For any other needs I can fulfill, write me at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Ryan or Lance are nominated for a Tony. So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.