Written & Directed by Michael Davis

Starring: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci & Stephen McHattie

85 min. in CinemaScope

So long as bullets are flying, Shoot ’em Up is a reasonably entertaining genre spoof. When the ammo runs out and it’s time to reload with a dialogue scene, the pacing and structure plummet faster than a used shell casing.

Before the opening title appears, we are treated to a crackerjack set piece that boasts outstanding live-action cartoon work. While blissfully waiting for a bus, Mr. Smith (Clive Owen) gets involved with a thug chasing a pregnant woman, and it isn’t long before discarded bullets bounce off her belly and Mr. Smith is delivering her baby the only way he knows how: by shooting off its umbilical cord!

The mother gets a “dirt blanket” and Mr. Smith goes on to become the world’s most dangerous babysitter. For reasons that are never satisfactorily explained, the overly sadistic Mr. Hertz (Paul Giamatti basking in the swill), a former forensic behavioral consultant to the FBI, doesn’t want this baby and two others just like him to live to see their second months.

With nowhere to turn, Smith takes the tot to his business associate DQ (Monica Bellucci), a fetish whore who, judging by all the empty baby bottles in her “office,” specializes in infantilism. Smith is close enough to know that DQ recently gave birth, yet he never thinks to ask what happened to her kid. Right now, all he needs are a pair of breasts swollen with milk.

The film is chock full of cartoon references. Smith spends an inordinate amount of screen time chomping on a Bugs Bunny carrot, while Hertz at one point responds with an Elmer Fudd impersonation. There’s even a rodent named “Mickey.” It’s more than just names and clever references: At its best, Shoot ’em Up is a rapid fire cinematoon.

Director Michael Davis has a blast chipping away at Smith’s macho aggression, and what better place is there for such behavior to manifest itself than behind the wheel of a car? Forget about an army of hired guns all setting their sights on a newborn. If you really want to tick off Mr. Smith, try changing lanes without using your directional signal.

The director also has a knack for finding the potential for violence in everyday objects. Restroom hand blowers, carrots and even a blood all become lethal weapons on Davis’ watch.

Clive Owen once again proves that he’s the closest the cinema has come to this type of laid back machismo cool since Robert Mitchum left us. It’s a shame that the script calls for him to spout so many dim throwaway lines. There is even a tepid reworking of Dirty Harry Callahan’s “six shots or only five” bit.

Unless you’re coming from a very dark place, blood and scat don’t generally mix. Take my advice: If you’re going to try and gross out an audience, use one or the other. At times the characters’ movements, skillfully choreographed to slip and slide across rivers of blood, border on poetic realism. A dirty diaper splattered across a character’s face like a blueberry pie doesn’t.

Coincidence is king. Just because a film exists in a cartoon universe doesn’t mean that it can throw all logic out the window. Many of the film’s twists of fate, and there are a lot, are chalked up to Hertz’s never faltering gut feelings. Even though Hertz doesn’t know Smith from Adam, his inner-ear instantly points him in the direction of Bellucci.

According to Smith, “the bad guys are those that stand to profit.” The film shows a political conscience when it’s revealed that Hertz and his mob are hired guns protecting a democratic Senator’s baby hatchery. Right accusations, wrong party.

This is destined to be a monster hit, and so long as you don’t try to take it too seriously (a mistake I continually make), you’ll lap up Shoot ‘em Up.

Rating: 3 stars

Written and Directed by Rob Zombie

Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Scout Taylor-Compton and Danny Trejo

109 min. in CinemaScope

The main reason most critics cite for the flood of current remakes centers on younger viewers and their lack of familiarity with anything made before last week. While this holds true in the vast majority of cases, it is impossible to believe that horror fans of any age have not seen John Carpenter’s Halloween.

Along with Hitchcock’s Psycho and George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (both of which have also been remade), Halloween stands as one of the most influential horror films of the past 50 years.

Why do filmmakers insist on trying to reheat soufflés?

It’s obvious what attracted grindhouse denizen Rob Zombie to the material. His first two films, House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects both centered on monstrous dysfunctional family units that make Leatherface and his relations look like the Huxtables.

Halloween is part prequel, part remake. For the first half, Zombie attempts to add depth and resonance to the legend of Michael Myers, something we’ve all been clamoring for. While they may have a JFK-on-velvet nailed to the wall, young Myers’ (Daeg Faerch) folks are hardly from the country club set.

Mom (Sheri Moon Zombie) would love to take little Mikey trick o’ treating, but she’ll be late for her job at the strip club. William Forsythe, in a brief, but delightful turn as Myers’ wicked stepfather, is a first-rate slob who alternates between leering at his stepdaughter and verbally pummeling anyone else in sight. Unfortunately, the majority of the film’s laughs die when he does.

Daeg Faerch is a perfectly cast cross between the kid on the Dutch Boy Paint can and Peter Lorre. As the adult Myers, Tyler Mane does a fine job of not speaking and wearing a William Shatner mask.

Halfway through, any attempt to further explore the Myers’ dynasty is lost in favor of a rehash of Carpenter’s original. Malcolm McDowell assumes the Dr. Sam Loomis’ role originated by Donald Pleasance. (Sam Loomis was also the name of John Gavin’s character in Psycho.)

The most fun you’ll have is playing Spot the Sleazy Character Actors. The film boasts an impressive roll call of familiar faces, particularly if you ever spent quality time at a drive-in. Sid Haig, Tom Towles and Lew Temple, all regular members of Zombie’s acting clan, once again give it their venal best.

New World Pictures staple Clint “Ron’s Hydrocephalic Brother” Howard pops up as a doctor and the oily Richard Lynch (God Told Me To) plays the school principal. Dee Wallace (The Howling) plays a beleaguered mother while veteran Scream Queen Sybill Dannig (Blood Feast) meets a brutal demise. While the credits boast a cameo by Adrienne Barbeau (the former Mrs. John Carpenter), for the life of me, I couldn’t spot her.

Instead of reveling in the type of 70s pulp he’s become famous for, Zombie attempts to serve up an art house darling. Douglas Sirk he’s not, and as enjoyable as Rob’s previous efforts are, he’s not the man to turn to when in the mood for a self-reflexive melodrama.

Rating: 2 stars