With the horrifying treatment homosexuals in his country are apparently receiving, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had already earned himself an infamous place in gay and lesbian history.

Recently, he sealed his infamy. He’ll always be the answer to this trivia question: “During a 2007 appearance at Columbia University, which head of state ludicrously declared his country doesn’t have homosexuals?”

Now it’s George Bush’s turn. President Ahmadinejad told Iranian state TV that should the American president journey to Iran, he’d be allowed to speak at an Iranian university.

Batten down the hatches, Martha. I feel an ill wind a blowin’.

President Bush could take a number of different approaches to his speech before Iranian students.

Here’s the first possibility:

“Stop messing around in Iraq. That’s my job.”

Here’s the second:

“I’ll learn to say ‘nuclear’ when your president learns to say ‘Starbucks,’ ‘Burger King’ and ‘Pier One.’”

Here’s the third approach:

“If Iran wishes to be accepted into the international community, it must cease trying to develop nuclear weapons, stop supplying Shiite militias in Iraq, halt all hostile rhetoric regarding Israel, and pay me $50,000 for my next speech here. This one is a freebie, but I’m going to be retired soon, and then you’ll see this boy make some real money!”

Here’s the fourth possible approach:

“It’s nice to be around university students. When I was in college, I was a cheerleader. That’s a person who yells and chants and gets other students all fired up. Actually, that sounds a lot like what students were doing here in 1979.

“Wasn’t that hostage crisis something? Let me tell y’all, I was pretty angry at the time, but you did one thing right. You helped pave the way for Ronald Reagan to be elected, so it wasn’t all bad!”

Here’s the fifth approach I can imagine Bush taking:

“I want to tell you sincerely that the American people forgive; they’re not a revengeful people. The people think well of well-thinking people. Other people, too.”

Here’s the sixth approach:

“Your President Ahmadinejad questions whether the Holocaust ever happened. But people’s minds can be changed. Look at me and global warming. I believe it now. Not gonna do anything about it, but I believe it.”

Here’s the seventh possibility:

“The president of Iran stood in front of a university audience in New York City and said his country has no homosexuals. Now I’m standing in front of a university audience in Tehran to tell you I wish my country didn’t.”

Here’s the eighth and final approach I can imagine our leader taking in a speech before Iranian students:

“I am here today to say in the strongest possible terms that Iran must stop arresting and executing gays. It is an appalling attack on human rights and human dignity to murder someone because of his or her sexual orientation. If Iran wants at any time in the future to be a friend of the United States, the blatant persecution of homosexuals must come to an end.

“Don’t look so depressed. You still get to discriminate. You see, killing, well, that’s way too severe. Too obvious. Too yucky. Stick with what we do – denying them equal rights every step of the way. It’s really pretty impressive, considering we also claim to be the world’s foremost defender of human rights.

“And take it from me, gays have their uses. For instance, you can whip up fear of them when you need a distraction. Can’t do that if you’ve killed them all, now can you?

“You young people follow my advice, and soon Iran will join America in the nineteenth century.”