Pinch me. I must be dreaming. How did 2003 suddenly become the Year of the Queer? Sodomy laws have been repealed, Episcopalians have elected an openly gay bishop, Canada is allowing legal gay marriages and each week a different hetero shlub lets five gay guys turn him into Cinderfella.

Yes, Michael Ovitz, there is a Gay Mafia and they’ve made straights an offer they can’t refuse: No more Smear the Queer.

The Fab Five of “Queer Eye” have created the perception that all gay men have access to an infinite pool of wisdom regarding fashion, food and culture. My gay boy buddies are being stopped on the street by anxious straight men that ask, “Does this belt work with these shoes?” Heteros won’t venture into the gayborhood anymore unless they’re wearing Prada and are carrying copies of Gourmet magazine to use as cheat notes before dinner. After all, there’s a good chance they’ll encounter a gay waiter who may scoff at their wine choices.

We lesbians should be getting some of the credit for this media frenzy. After all, six short years ago Ellen DeGeneres made 1997 the Year of Lesbian Chic, once thought to be the oxymoron to end all oxymorons. On April 30 of that year DeGeneres made history by having her television character, Ellen, come out as a lesbian. How shocked we all were when she came out in real life.

And suddenly, for a fleeting moment, lesbians were the new media darlings. DeGeneres and then girlfriend Anne “Call Me Crazy” Heche were bigger than life, even

bigger than Ben and J. Lo. Their glorious blond faces were splashed across newspapers and magazines. Chat show hosts clamored to get them as guests.

Then, almost as quickly as it materialized, the Anne and Ellen Moment came apart. Heche went straight and then went straight to Fresno — apparently on the way back to her home planet. DeGeneres took off the Gay Icon tiara and lesbians once again fell off the map and back into Birkenstocks, vegetarian pot lucks and “Xena: Warrior Princess” reruns.

Gay men have all the fun. We queer girls get saddled with straight girls who have no idea how to play lesbians in Kissing Jessica Stein. The gay boys, however, get the Fab Five on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” In fact, according to pop culture diva Candace Bushnell, because of this new “metrosexual” phenomenon, straight men are the new gay men. Yep, the hetero everyman has traded in his Dial soap and Pert shampoo for thousands of dollars in products for his mind, body and spirit. And five previously unknown gay men have become the Pied Pipers of food, fashion and fabulousness.

It’s now OK for Joe Sixpack to get facials, manicures, pedicures, body waxes and $200 haircuts. Straight guys are even going so far as to shave their body hair to show off their muscles. Oddly enough, gay boys, who once packed into day spas as if they were hot clubs, are shifting in a different direction. Body hair, beer guts and all around manliness have become the new gay male chic. Welcome to the bear culture, where plaid is the new black.

In the meantime, we Sapphic sodomites are like the forgotten stepchildren. What about us? Where are our reality shows? We could have our own Pygmalion makeover program, “Lesbian Chic for the Straight Girl Geek” with the Fabulous Femme Five. There are lots of lipstick lezzies out there who could show those soccer moms a thing or two about hair, makeup and lingerie. Ladies, if you want to get hot and horizontal with hubby you need to take off the Keds and the nylon warm up suits. And for God’s sake get those scrunchies out of your hair!

But that’s not likely to happen any time soon. After all, lesbians have never been known to be on the cutting edge of fashion. Unless, of course, you count the popularity of the mullet. America will never know the potential of letting Vogue-wielding dyke divas loose on the women of Middle America.

So let the boys of “Queer Eye” bask in their newfound fame. We female-loving fashionistas are ready to take on the faded terrycloth housecoats of America, if only Bravo would give us a chance.