“I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City, and he came in just from the gym. I was sitting there, and I was, like, wow. And I pretty much saw everything – the whole package.” – Heidi Klum tells Oprah about her first impressions of Seal. Now, let’s get back to “the whole package”...

Two years ago, one of my best friends considered getting LASIK eye surgery, but his doctor refused to do the procedure because my friend has “thin corneas” – as if being too thin is a bad thing. He got a second opinion, and that doctor agreed with the diagnosis but WOULD do the surgery … as long as my friend signed a waiver saying he had been informed of the possible complications. Me being me told him to go for it and said, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Ask Kanye West, whose mom was in a similar situation. Allegedly, she wanted to get a breast reduction and tummy tuck and the first doctor she consulted said he wouldn’t do the surgery without “medical and cardiac clearance.” When she found another doctor who would do the surgery, Mama West probably thought, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Just a reminder that any time you go under the knife, something could go awry – although in the case of Mama West, she developed complications the day after surgery. Regardless, that’s why Joan Collins and I are aging gracefully and naturally – Hah!

Collins was always called the “poor man’s Elizabeth Taylor,” but she’s having the last laugh. Liz may only be a year older than Joan, but that was one hard year. She’s a legend and a lovely woman with a big heart, but have you seen her lately? She was recently out promoting her House of Taylor Jewelry collection and she’s physically deteriorating rapidly – and this is after numerous cosmetic procedures. She’s certainly had more illness than your average person, and I think it’s all catching up with her.

Kanye and Elizabeth might wanna have a chat with Britney Spears, who is reportedly becoming a liposuction junkie. Allegedly, Britney has been turning up at the LipoDissolve Center in Las Vegas every so often for a little “procedure.” It’s not traditional lipo, but rather PCDC treatment, which consists of injections of soy extract to dissolve fat deposits in a matter of weeks. What the worst that could happen?

Everyone’s been asking me about the picture in Brit’s CD of the hot male model dressed as a priest. His name is John Coulter (no relation to Ann) and he’s a model from Tucson, Ariz. He’s previously modeled for International Male and Undergear – wearing significantly less than his cleric’s collar. He’s also been on “America’s Next Top Model” and featured in the 2005 “Studs ’n’ Spurs” calendar.

Christina Aguilera had a busy Veterans Day weekend with three baby showers. I’m only interested in the one called “Christina’s Kiddyland Carnival,” which was held at the songstress’ new Beverly Hills abode. The place was tastefully decorated with Japanese lanterns and the entertainment featured drag queens! Not just any drag queens – the best the Southland had to offer, including the divine Chad Michaels, renowned for his Cher. BTW, Chrissie’s having a boy.

John Stamos recently found the skies anything but friendly. On a flight from Chicago to Los Angeles, the sexy actor was dozing in first class when a woman shook him awake and pushed him out of his seat! Stamos thought the bitch was nuts, so he slipped into the restroom hoping she’d settle down, which she did – in his seat! She refused to get up, all the while screaming and threatening him. If only we could figure out which Olsen twin it was...

Dolly Parton’s long-awaited musical version of 9 to 5 will have its world premiere on Sept. 21 right here in Los Angeles. The show is slated to debut at the swanky Ahmanson Theatre and will be directed by our own Joe Mantello. The cast includes Stephanie Block, Megan Hilty, Marc Kudisch and Allison Janney in the role Lily Tomlin made famous.

Our first “Ask Billy” question comes from MaskedPoster out in Cyberspace: “Why is Ellen being targeted by the writers, but they are leaving Oprah, Regis and ‘The View’ alone? Are those people too powerful to be targeted?”

The difference is that Ellen employs members of the Writer’s Guild of America to pen her monologues and skits, while Oprah, Regis, and the gals on “The View” do not. Another factor is that Ellen’s not only a performer, she’s also a writer and a member of the WGA – the very guild that is striking. So not only is she crossing the picket line, she’s breaking the strike. But she has good reason. What most people don’t know is that DeGeneres has a “no strike” clause written into her contract. If she doesn’t show up for work, she’ll be sued.

Because of the strike, many networks have started laying off employees. Let’s give props to David Letterman, who has pledged to pay ALL of his staff members’ salaries through the strike period, and thus protect their jobs. Now that’s a classy guy.

Elsewhere on the dial, NBC is considering bringing in substitutes to fill in for Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien. The network assumes that different rotating hosts could bring in fresh material each day. Hmmm - time for me to dust off that audition reel.

Next question is from Reggie in Knoxville who asks: “Is ‘The Janice Dickinson Show’ coming back this season? Will J.P. Calderon return? Any new hot gay guys? I heard she was doing some other reality show in England.”

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. The show is coming back, J.P.’s returning, there are new hot gay guys, and she is doing “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” in the U.K. – where she will be dumped in the middle of a jungle with a bunch of nobodies. Now let’s get back to those domestic hotties. When J.P. returns, I’m told there will be a “romantic twist.” Hmmm. Shaun McCarron and Paul Anderson join Janice’s stable. They’re a gay couple from Orlando and have been together for more than three years.

When soy can dissolve fat, it’s time for me to buy a case of Silk and end yet another column. In case you were wondering, my friend never did get LASIK surgery, and he’s thankful. I’m thankful for the many people who help me entertain and inform you each week: my long-suffering proofreaders who fight me over every comma and dangling participle; the Filth2Go legal team who keeps me out of prison; the papers who publish this column even when I cross the line and most importantly, you, the reader. The fans have kept me going well over a decade, and I show no signs of stopping – and I’ve brought some porn for popping! Without you, I’d be going to parties with a bunch of nobodies and have no one to tell! For your specific needs, e-mail me directly at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Britney asks Kanye for his mother’s doctor’s number! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.