The Washington Post obtained the FBI’s file on the Rev. Jerry Falwell, and discovered it consists mainly of threats made against the Moral Majority founder. In 1983, Falwell’s Liberty Baptist College received calls announcing that a $10,000 reward had been offered for his assassination, and “the gays in Cincinnati” planned to do the deed.

FBI agents scurried to an informant on the city’s gay community, who’s referred to in the file as “source.” I hope, now that this piece of confidential history is out, Mr. Source will come forward. Until he does, I’m forced to guess, based on the file notes, how that debriefing went:

AGENT A: Here’s the deal. Jerry Falwell’s visiting Cincinnati in a couple of weeks. Phone calls said Cincinnati gays are looking to snuff him. Someone’s put up a reward. You hear anything about that on the streets?

SOURCE: On the streets? Where do you think I live?

AGENT B: Please answer the question.

SOURCE: I haven’t heard about any such thing.

AGENT B: What do gays think of Falwell?

SOURCE: We hate him.

AGENT A: Ah! Motive!

SOURCE: He says AIDS is God’s way of getting rid of gays, but I just can’t see some organized gay effort to assassinate him – maybe organized street theater to make fun of him.

AGENT B: Both calls seemed to come from young white males. One guy could’ve made both calls.

SOURCE: Could be. Not all gays are good actors.

AGENT B: The calls happened on June 18 and 19.

SOURCE: Hmm, that’s Pride Week. I wonder if your guy was just hopped up on Pride.

AGENT A: Is that a new drug you people have?

SOURCE: It’s a week-long celebration, a time to be proud of being gay and lesbian.

AGENT A: Sounds kinda like a cult to me.

SOURCE: We dress much better. I suspect your man was playing a practical joke, albeit in bad taste.

AGENT B: Did you bring us any printed information?

SOURCE: Here’s a copy of the Yellow Pages.

AGENT A: You brought us the phone book?

SOURCE: It’s the gay newspaper in Cincinnati.

AGENT B: Says here the circulation is 2,000.

AGENT A: Jesus! There are that many sissies in Cincy?!

SOURCE: Oh yes. Downtown Cincinnati has eight gay bars and one lesbian bar.

AGENT A: Holy Moses, I’ve got little kids who go Downtown!

SOURCE: To bars? What kind of father are you?

AGENT B: What’s this “Stonewall Cincinnati?”

SOURCE: The local gay political group.

AGENT A: What’s Stonewall Jackson got to do with radical faggots?

SOURCE: Huh?

AGENT B: It says here the Stonewall group was having a meeting on the subject of “The Growing Threat of the Radical Right.” You don’t think someone might’ve been moved to do something about that threat?

SOURCE: A lot of gays dislike Jerry Falwell. But I just can’t picture gays getting together to kill him. It would set the community back decades. No, I think people will do what they did last year – picket. We do a mean picket. Colorful signs, catchy chants.

AGENT B: I hope you’re right. But please try and gather more information on these Stonewall Cincinnati meetings. Just in case.

SOURCE: All right.

AGENT A: And get me some information on these bars.

SOURCE: Okay, but it would help if you told me what kind of man you want to meet.