It seems as though our local city attorney, Mike Aguirre, has an enemies list longer than the pension payroll at City Hall. Our local paper takes an Apocalypse Now approach to describing the city attorney. But, to add some perspective, we should consider what a wonderful life we would be enjoying now had it not been for Mike Aguirre and his able deputy, Alex Sachs. Had term limits not prevented Gwinn from leaving office, or his clone had been elected, here’s what the Gay & Lesbian Times would have reported during the last three years….

Instead of reporting that Aguirre supported same-sex marriage and encouraged the Council to take a stand, here’s what we would have said: City Attorney Casey Gwinn informed the City Council that it may not consider supporting the “same-sex” marriage brief filed by the city of San Francisco because it’s a “litigation” matter and not within the purview of the Council.

Gwinn told the Council that the Boy Scouts’ use of Balboa Park for free does not violate federal law, even though every court hearing the matter has ruled otherwise. He also told the Council that removing the subsidy to the Scouts would violate their rights under the Constitution, even though the California Supreme Court ruled otherwise last year, and the U.S. Supreme Court refused to even consider the matter.

Instead of reporting that city officials, even gay ones, had engaged in questionable conduct, we would have said: The City Council approved today additional pension benefits for themselves upon leaving office. City Councilmember Toni Atkins, who has worked for the city for 16 years, will receive $1 million a year upon leaving office and will have an $800,000 expense account for legal fees.

Here are a few other stories we most likely would have read about….

…Three hundred people were killed when a twin engine plane crashed into the Sunroad Building upon take off. Defeated City Attorney candidate Mike Aguirre reported that the building was two stories higher than federal limits allow and that the city was aware of the safety hazard. Casey Gwinn labeled Aguirre’s arguments “frivolous.”

…The Kroll Report concluded today that former Mayor Dick Murphy and Gwinn conspired to fraudulently bill taxpayers for legal work never performed by the city attorney’s office. It also said the city is rife with corruption and incompetence. Mayor Murphy and Gwinn said that Congressmember Duke Cunningham would study the report.

Local activist Mike Aguirre called upon U.S. Attorney Carol Lam to investigate the matter, but Carol Lam announced today she was fired for “failing to prosecute illegal border crossers” as rigorously as she prosecutes embezzlers of government funds. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he couldn’t recall when he made the decision to make the decision to fire Lam, but he’s sure her efforts to weed out corruption in the city of San Diego had absolutely nothing to do with his non-decision…

Fires ravaged major parts of the city of San Diego, destroying thousands of homes. Fire Chief Tracy Jarman blamed the lack of city resources devoted to fire fighting as a major reason why San Diego is unprepared to deal with major fires…A landslide in La Jolla destroyed hundreds of homes on Mt. Soledad. Geologists indicated that these continuing slides are being caused by water leaking from old cast-iron pipes that should have been replaced decades ago. Mayor Jerry Sanders and City Attorney Gwinn held a press conference to deny charges from all. When Mike Aguirre said that the city’s budget and debt problems are at the root of the problem, the two called Aguirre’s comments “frivolous.’

It’s a Wonderful Life may be a fantasy for Mike Aguirre. But, unfortunately, the events reported here are the reality for San Diegans. When Mike Aguirre says that the city officials are like a “den of thieves,” he’s underestimating. It’s far worse. The reason Mayor Sanders gets along so well with everyone is that his 30 years as a police officer – dealing with embezzlers, psychopaths, and sociopaths – prepared him well for working with the various constituent groups he deals with.