“He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!” – Victoria Beckham raves about hubby David’s “appendage.” I guess it’s now acceptable to brag about how much one’s vagina can handle. I guess if you’ve got it, stretch it. Remind me again why she’s nicknamed “Posh?”

One can’t escape one’s past – that is my lesson for you this week. It’s a theme that will recur in this column, just as it does in my life on a regular basis. Last week, I zipped down to the Filth2Go Beach House in Fort Lauderdale. My first night in town – there’s Matthew Rush sitting at the next table at dinner. A few nights later – there’s Will Clark sitting in front of me at the theater. Admittedly, both of these were in trés gay venues – dinner at Rosie’s, and seeing the divine Steven Brinberg as Simply Barbra at the up-and-coming Rising Action Theatre (with their GORGEOUS new theatre in Oakland Park). And heaven knows I love these guys. But, Lordy, sometimes it’s nice to just be an anonymous guy in the crowd. Yes, I said that.

Brinberg was fab as Babs. Coming up next at Rising Action is The Eleven O’Clock Number. This play is being billed as a world premiere, and yet the press release says it won “Best New Play” in Sonora, Calif., and was first runner-up in the “New Orleans Saints and Sinners New Play Competition.” Huh? Anywho, the show is about a 40-something musical theatre fanatic who is given as a birthday gift a Scrabble set previously owned by Ethel Merman. While playing Scrabble, said composer somehow conjures up the spirit of Ethel. Or something like that. I’ll have to ask someone who saw this play which is about to have its world premiere. Stop – I’m getting dizzy.

All of that was to segue to our next item – we can FINALLY confirm that the incomparable Patti LuPone will bring her acclaimed portrayal of “Mama Rose” in Gypsy to Broadway in 2008. The show is slated to open on March 27 at the St. James Theatre. Her co-stars from last summer, Laura Benanti and Boyd Gaines, will join her on Broadway, and author Arthur Laurents will once again direct.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Charles Busch is a national treasure. I just came from seeing him off-Broadway in Die, Mommie, Die and it once again reminded me he is a true original. If ever someone in our community deserved a Kennedy Center Honor, it’s Busch. I am totally in awe of him. It didn’t hurt that Van Hansis is cast as the gay son – a very different gay son than the one he plays on “As the World Turns.” Van proved to be an admirable stage actor capable of holding his own against the divine Charles – no easy task!

In other theater news, we can announce for the second time that a proposed all-black version of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof will hit Broadway. I say for the second time because when this was first announced, the producers ran out of money, and plans were put on hold. However, the opening is set for March 6, and the cast is quite something. Anika Noni Rose will play “Maggie,” Terrence Howard is “Brick,” Phylicia Rashad and James Earl Jones are “Big Mama” and “Big Daddy” respectively, and the show is being directed by, who else, Debbie Allen.

Speaking of cats, Kathy Griffin has some great news – Bravo has unexpectedly renewed her show. What a difference an Emmy makes, huh? Instead of the usual six episodes, this summer will have 10 new episodes. Shooting for this fourth season will begin on New Year’s Eve, which will find Kat on CNN in Times Square with Anderson Cooper. Again, huh?

Sometimes I bemoan the gigs I get to host, judge, or participate in. Let’s face it – they ain’t even “D-List.” They’re “F-List” – fag list! That said, my gigs are stellar compared to the ones Mario Lopez and Tara Reid get. Last week, Mario showed up at Jet nightclub in Las Vegas to host “Boobs Or Bust 2/Go Big or Go Home.” Yes, it’s exactly what you think it was – women competed to win $5,000 toward breast augmentation surgery. I’m told the club gave customers some kind of ticket, and the gals who competed tried to get the most tickets out of the customers. One of my proofreaders quipped: “I guess the chick with the most tickets won the boobie prize.” Now you know why I do the jokes and they do the editing.

Tara Reid has been trying to get people to take her seriously as an actress, and yet a couple of weeks ago she hosted the “Hookers Ball” in Darwin, Australia. I’ve done absolutely no research on this event – I’m taking it at face value. I did read that on her way home from Australia, she stopped in Bali to go to a Christmas party where she collapsed. She was hospitalized and treated for cuts and bruises, which begs the question – how many times did she fall?

For our first “Ask Billy” question, we turn to Jarrod in San Francisco: “Have you seen the ads for the new ‘American Gladiator’? I swear one of the guys is a gay porn star.”

If you’re talking about the Gladiator being billed as “Militia,” then you’ve got eagle eyes. He previously made porn for San Francisco’s very own Colt Studios under the name “Elian Cortez” – probably no relation to little Elian Gonzales, although the porn star is also Cuban. His birth name is Alex Castro – so now he’s got three different monikers. Despite what lesser scribes say, I don’t think it was ever much of a secret – Colt head honcho John Rutherford even issued a press release about it!

We’ll squeeze in a question from Barry in Dallas: “I just saw ‘Beowulf’ and I thought the lead was stunning. But a friend told me the real guy doesn’t have anything like the body we saw. What gives?”

Honey, “Beowulf” was a cartoon! They simply put whatever body they wanted onto the mellifluous Ray Winstone (who also intoned the roles of “Golden Man” and “Dragon”). The model for the character’s fantastic physique was based on Alan Ritchson, who played “Aquaman” on two episodes of “Smallville.” We have gotten a hold of some VERY risqué shots of him which were used by the CGI technicians!

When I’m uncovering cartoon characters, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. You know which column this is? The 51st column of the year. And you know what next week is? Yes, the 52nd. Which also means it is the Best of Billy 2007. I’ll be re-reading every damn word I’ve written over the past year (and cringing as often as laughing) to come up with what I think were the key moments of 2007. You won’t want to miss it. Feel free to drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Kathy reports on Anderson’s dropping balls! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.