“I’m sore. I couldn’t even get off the toilet the other day. It hurts so bad. I don’t know if it’s I’m not coordinated or using muscles I never had to use before.” – Clay Aiken makes a startling confession to Newsweek. Don’t jump to conclusions – he’s talking about the rigors of rehearsing for his Broadway debut in Spamalot. Later in the chat, he had a little hissy fit when asked if he thought Kelly Ripa was homophobic, and abruptly ended the interview. Well, that’s better than a denial.

I was recently reading a story about Christopher Austin, one of those counselors who “help” gay people turn straight. He taught a seminar entitled “Understanding and Treating Compulsive Sexual Behavior in Men with Value-Incongruent Homosexual Issues: A Multidimensional Approach.” I guess one of those dimensions includes having sex with men, since Austin has been convicted of unlawfully, intentionally and knowingly causing sexual penetration of a client. Apparently, he was trying to fuck the gay right out of his patient! Note to Chris – I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work.

We hear that Ike Turner did indeed die of a cocaine overdose. I guess he wasn’t as clean as he’d led us to believe.

Don’t believe the rumors that Britney is pregnant. She’s not – but not for lack of trying. Sources tell me she’s desperate to have another child. Sigh – am I the only one who thinks it’s just a matter of time before she’s eating mushrooms and dressing up like a clown? She’s following Anna’s blueprint to the tee.

No, Dannielynn isn’t dressing like a pirate for fun. Anna Nicole’s little girl has been diagnosed with strabismus, an affliction that renders one of her eyes weaker and crossed. The first thing Larry Birkhead asked the doctors is if this ailment could have been caused by any drugs the mother had in her system during the pregnancy. Astonishingly, the doctors said no – it was genetic. Until such time as surgery is an option, Dannielynn is wearing an eyepatch on the strong eye to help strengthen the weak one. Larry bought his daughter a pirate doll to show that it’s OK for a girl to play dress up. You know what else might help? Home movies.

One of our favorite people is having complications due to a recent appendectomy. Dame Edna Everage has been forced to cancel her upcoming U.S. tour because the doctors have demanded six months away from live performances – and there is still the possibility of follow-up surgery. Needless to say, the Dame and her audiences are devastated by the news. Of course, Edna denies the appendix reports and simply states she had “female troubles.”

Speaking of female troubles, Zac Efron was rushed into surgery this past week in a situation eerily similar to Dame Edna’s. He too had appendicitis and had the pesky organ removed, which may have left a bit of a scar. Eh, he can just say it was a bad bikini wax.

BTW, it’s been announced that there will be yet another High School Musical flick. Starting this spring, the cast will reunite for this production which promises to be bigger than the previous two. In fact, this one will bypass the Disney Channel and actually have a theatrical run. Look for it on cable later that week.

I know many of my fans would like to get into Jesse Metcalfe’s pants (probably backside). Now you have the chance to get into his house. The be-tweezed one has put his Hollywood home up for sale – downsizing, I suppose. It boasts five bedrooms, five bathrooms, and is considered a bargain at $1.5 million (up from the cool mil he spent on it in 2004). The bargain price is due to the lack of adjoining land or pool. No pool? No thanks.

The Gay American Heroes Foundation is having a fund-raiser on Jan. 26 here in West Hollywood. This organization has put together an exhibition that will tour schools and libraries paying tribute to folks who have been murdered because of their sexual orientation. Silence the Hate ‘08 will be held at East/West Lounge from 3-7 p.m. and will be attended by such luminaries as Chad Allen, Alan Cumming, Robert Gant, James Getzlaff, Iman, the Lane Twins, Reichen, Marcellas Reynolds, Christopher Rice and moi (I’m on the board). Please come and show your support for this great cause. You can get more information at www.GayAmericanHeroes.com.

In theater news, Scissor Sisters’ Jake Shears is reportedly penning a musical based on Tales of the City. I can just see Cloris Leachman as “Mrs. Madrigal.”

From Tales of the City to Sex and the City, our spies on the set of the big screen version tell us that the sex scenes between Kim Cattrall and Jason Lewis will top anything they’ve done in the past. In fact, because it’s a theatrical release, the actors have more potential to push the envelope. From the photos we’ve received of them cavorting on a chaise and on the beach, it’s pretty clear Jason has no problem with nudity.

A tell-all book proposal about the early days of the series has been circulating. In it, executive producer Darren Star allegedly admits that he passed on Ashton Kutcher being on the show because, “I don’t see this kid going anywhere.” Just think, it could have been Kim Kutcher. Boy, did she dodge a bullet!

My former paramour George Michael has inked a deal to write his autobiography for HarperCollins, netting about $6 million for the British rights alone. This will not be Georgie’s first book – his previous book was entitled Bare: George Michael, His Own Story. However, that book was anything but revelatory, as he hadn’t come out or been arrested … yet. He’s even criticized his previous effort as “rubbish.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt has changed her tune about the unflattering bikini pics that were everywhere a month ago. She’s now looking on the bright side: “I’ve worked 20 years in this business, and that’s how I got the cover of People.” Smart gal.

While on vacation in Rome, Dionne Warwick’s room at the Hotel de Russie was broken into, and the thief absconded with more than $100,000 in jewelry. I’m shocked! Who knew she had that much in assets? And where were her “Psychic Friends?”

Gareth in the U.K. writes: “Luv your wit and style. The new series of Torchwood debuted here this week. Mega hot scene between Barrowman and James Marsters. Thought you and your Yank fans would enjoy it.”

Never let it be said that I held out on my fans – Yanks or otherwise. I have come into possession of the entire episode – including the intense (and very sexual) Barrowman/Marsters scene. Cheers, Gareth.

When I’m giving my fans a good Yank, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. If you’ve got any questions, write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Edna and Zac compare scars! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.