“He was a real sweetie pie.” – Eric Roberts, who plays a minor role in The Dark Knight, describes co-star Heath Ledger. Do straight men often call their male friends “sweetie pie?”

This week’s column could be called “Four Funerals and a Wedding,” as luminaries have been dropping like flies. I’ll tackle them in order of demise. First was Brad Renfro – a talented little actor who it seems virtually no one knew by name. Renfro did some of his best work in Apt Pupil opposite Sir Ian McKellen, and was also seen in The Client, Sleepers, and Deuces Wild. Unfortunately, he was better known for his troubles with the law. He was charged with cocaine and marijuana possession in 1998. In 2001, he was placed on probation for trying to steal a yacht and was ordered to pay $4,000 in repairs. In 2001, he was charged with underage drinking, violating his parole, and entered rehab. More recently, he served 10 days in prison for driving while drunk and for trying to buy heroin from an undercover cop. Two days before he died, he got a new tattoo on his back that said “FUCK ALL Y’ALL.” Likely a fitting send off.

Next was the death of Lois Nettleton. The acclaimed actress was beloved for both her stage and film roles. She understudied Barbara Bel Geddes in the original Broadway production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (and went on several times). When A Streetcar Named Desire was revived for Rosemary Harris, Lois took over the role of “Blanche” halfway through the run. But most of my fans will remember her from “The Golden Girls” when she played the friend of “Dorothy” who has a crush on “Rose.” One of the earliest – and best written – instances of adults dealing with the same-sex issue on TV.

Then we have another gay fave – Suzanne Pleshette. Although she’d been battling lung cancer since 2006, it was after the death of her husband, Tom Poston, this past April when she gave up the will to live. “She seemed to have a ‘why bother?’ attitude,” one of her close friends told me. Pleshette had a long and varied career – from stage (taking over Anne Bancroft’s role in The Miracle Worker on Broadway), film (The Birds, If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium), and TV (“The Bob Newhart Show,” “Will & Grace,” “The Queen of Mean”). Suzanne had done it all. Sadly, one week after her death, she received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Now we come to Heath Ledger. Were it not for Brokeback Mountain, his passing would probably register as much interest as that of Brad Renfro. Certainly the gay press wouldn’t pay much attention. After all, he wasn’t gay and didn’t have any strong political views on the subject. He simply lived his life as a quiet, tormented actor. But because he was “Ennis,” gay men around the world feel as if they lost one of their own. They saw him grieve at the end of that film, and they, in turn, grieve for Heath. Details are still sketchy. We do know that the apartment he was in did NOT belong to Mary-Kate Olsen (haven’t those poor girls suffered enough?). His part-time housekeeper let herself in at 1 p.m. and heard Ledger snoring in the bedroom. When a masseuse arrived at 2:45 for a scheduled session, the housekeeper let her in, and they went to Heath’s bedroom door and knocked. At 3 p.m., the masseuse went in and set up her table.

When she tried to wake up Ledger 15 minutes later, he was unresponsive. She picked up Heath’s cell phone, hit redial, and ended up on the phone with Mary-Kate Olsen (hence the connection). Allegedly, Heath and Olsen were “close.” Mary-Kate, who was in California, told the masseuse that she’d call some private security people to rush over. Five minutes later, the masseuse called MK back saying she thought Heath was dead and was calling 911. The operator talked the masseuse through some CPR, and the paramedics took over as they and Olsen’s security team converged on the apartment at the same time. Heath was pronounced dead five minutes later. TMZ reports that Xanax, Valium, Ativan, Lunesta, and Restoril were all found in the apartment, leading one to believe this was an accidental overdose (toxicology could take up to two weeks). According to some reports, Ledger spent time in rehab for a heroin addiction last year. Others state that the stay in rehab was to more convincingly play a junkie in the film Candy. He was 28 years old.

One eerie codicil is that his last completed role was as “The Joker,” where his face is distorted with very thick clown-like make-up. Interestingly, at the time of his untimely death, Brandon Lee was filming The Crow, so he looked similar in his final performance. Because we’re told these things come in threes, we need look no further than Anna Nicole’s final performance dressed as a clown allegedly high on mushrooms. The moral of this story – stay away from clown make-up. Gene Simmons, you could be next!

The wedding in question simply ain’t happening. Rumor had it that Heath’s Brokeback paramour Jake Gyllenhaal will soon marry Reese Witherspoon. No truth to the rumors.

She’s not dead yet, but I’d rush to Las Vegas to see Bette Midler sooner rather than later. The Divine One’s show in The Colosseum at Caesars Palace starts on Feb. 20 and she’s signed a deal for just more than two years. This could be your last chance to see Bette in the flesh. Midler told Parade magazine, “I feel like I’m going out with a bang. It’s something my husband and I have talked about. I certainly don’t want to die in a harness. I’m not one of those people.” What was that about a harness?

When I feel like I’m writing the “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. In light of all this death, it seems almost tacky for me to mention that my birthday is coming up, but why not? I’ll be another year older on Feb. 13. According to the Internet Movie Database and Wikipedia, I’m going to be 39 – and who am I to disagree with such reliable sources? If you’d like to send me a birthday wish, or ask a question, drop an e-mail to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we get a video of Bette in that harness! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.