“Two girls I kissed turned out to be gay. I kissed Jody Foster. She played my girl on ‘The Partridge Family,’ and look what happened.” – Danny Bonaduce is coy about who the second girl was, but my money’s on Laurie Prange.

I was recently in San Francisco as a judge for the GayVN Awards, which honors the best in gay porn. You may have seen last year’s ceremony featured on Kathy Griffin’s show since she was the host. This year, Sirius OutQ’s Derek and Romaine had the dubious task of following in her footsteps – a job no one wanted because you were destined to pale in comparison. But the Gotham duo had the best game plan – get on, get off, and keep the show moving. OK, it came to a screeching halt during BOTH of Lady Bunny’s sets, but at least she got some laughs.

Unlike last year when the lion’s share of awards were won by Michael Lucas’ La Dolce Vita (a record 14 awards), this year’s laurels were more evenly distributed. Raging Stallions’ Grunts was the big winner with nine trophies. Chi Chi LaRue’s Channel One Releasing garnered eight wins. Lucas’ The Intern won four awards. I’m not sure how thrilled SF-based companies Colt and Falcon were, having left with one and two trophies respectively. Everyone was all smiles – publicly, at least. Then came the inevitable e-mail from Michael Lucas wondering why his film The Intern beat out his other flick Gigolo in a number of categories. Personally, I think having two high-profile flicks splits the vote – and he’s a polarizing figure to begin with. Michael’s right about one thing – Gigolo is most certainly in a different class than The Intern.

I learned something at this year’s GayVNs – never sit near Tory Mason when he loses. Red wine went flying all over Scott Adler’s expensive tux shirt and my inexpensive but sexy velvet sailor pants. I’ll be sending someone a dry cleaning bill. I left SF with stained pants and a regret – I didn’t meet Dean Flynn. The Titan hottie, who photographs like a dream, was everywhere I was. But, alas, the twain never did meet. Oh, and let me give a tip to Jesse Santana and boyfriend Guy Parker – calm down on the make-up and Mystic Tan next year. Sister Roma looked more masculine in full drag (and showing off her newly svelte physique).

Seven years ago, Birmingham, Ala., Mayor Larry Landford started a charity called Computer Help for Kids with a mission to provide a laptop computer for every kid. A noble idea, but investigators found some questionable beneficiaries of this fund. John Katopodis, one of the mayor’s friends, ran the council and distributed $28K to himself via checks and ATM withdrawals at casinos – there’s a red flag! During an investigation, people wondered who Marc Anthony Donais was and why he got $30,000. He is better known to us as Ryan Idol. According to invoices, Marc/Ryan did computer repair work – which is entirely plausible if not completely believable. During his civil lawsuit, Katopodis said of Ryan, “He’s a businessman and … had done several off-Broadway productions and had been writing a play. I don’t know what else he was doing, you know. He was very good at working on computers.” When Ryan was questioned, he referenced his 1998 fall from a Manhattan window when he said he could not remember details because he was “not at my full faculties.” During testimony, Katopodis said of Ryan, “He’s very adept at computers. But at the time he was working at the council, he didn’t work on computers.” Which begs the question – on whose laptop was he working?

I’ve been sitting on some news for months and I’ve finally been given the OK to share it. On April 22, my dear friend Jenifer Lewis will join the Broadway cast of Hairspray in the role of Motormouth Mabel. This has been a long time coming. The role was written for her and she did the original demos and workshops. But because she was on Lifetime’s “Strong Medicine,” she was unable to originate the role on Broadway. Better late than never.

Speaking of Jenifer, she and Marc Shaiman were in Vegas for Bette Midler’s opening night (I was asked to delay going for a couple of weeks). In addition to them, such folk as Alan Thicke, Christine Ebersole, Rita Rudner, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Coolidge, Taye Diggs, Idina Menzel, Meatloaf, Joey Fatone, Lance Bass, Ricki Lake, and Siegfried and Roy turned up on the red carpet.

Do you dream of a romantic dinner with Anderson Cooper? Well, how about lunch? It’ll only cost you $20K – more or less. Andy is auctioning off a lunch date on Feb. 28 which will benefit the Bailey House, a NYC AIDS housing organization. Last year, the tête-à-tête went for $21K, so start saving your pennies.

The rumors are true – Kirstie Alley and Jenny Craig have gone their separate ways, amidst rumors that Alley has gained back most of the 75 pounds she lost on the diet. Although neither party is citing specific reasons for the schism, Alley states that she wants to “develop and pilot my own weight-loss brand that I hope to launch in 2009.” Something that allows you six cheat days a week, no doubt.

Our “Ask Billy” question/complaint this week comes from Kendall in Hartford: “I’m SO pissed! I went to see Chad Allen in The Little Dog Laughed and he was never naked. What the fuck!?”

You’re not the only one pissed off. Many fans complained that, unlike Johnny Galecki and Tom Everett Scott in the Broadway production, Chad Allen was shy about showing the goods. One person wrote me saying that aside from enjoying a glimpse of Chad’s ass, “he’s obviously not very well endowed since I didn’t even notice a bulge in his underwear.” OUCH! But the complaints don’t stop there. Playwright Douglas Carter Beane was in for a shock when he attended a performance at Chicago’s About Face Theatre and found the nudity cut altogether! Not only that, but someone re-wrote the lines to reflect this staging – a no-no in the theatre. Beane made his outrage known during intermission and was assured the staging and lines would be changed by the next performance – a promise that was not kept. Never piss off a bitchy writer (make a note of that). Beane’s representatives told the troupe that the rights to the play were being pulled and they’d have to shut down immediately. After pleading that such a cancellation could bankrupt the company, Beane allowed the run to continue unaltered. Why didn’t they just put in the nudity? The actors were never informed of the possibility of nudity when they auditioned, and now were not inclined to appear in the buff. Beane stated there were ways to stage it tastefully, but agreed that given the circumstances, there was little choice. OY!

When I’m talking about a bitchy writer other than moi, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. It doesn’t seem like it, but we ran long again this week. If you have a question, drop a note to billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Ryan uses his $30K to buy a lunch with Anderson! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.