People believe that perpetrators of abusive relationships are controlling, jealous, and violent. That’s true, but it’s not how they start out.

Domestic violence (DV) is a systematic attempt to control one’s partner that often increases in severity. Tactics include physical, emotional and sexual abuse, and the threat of being outed. The abuse is the means to an end; it is for the purpose of controlling the victim.

The violence has a cycle. In the tension-building phase, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. There may be name-calling and accusations. The next phase is when the explosion comes: smashing things, hitting, or raging. After the incident, the honeymoon phase beings. There are apologies, flowers, cards, promises it will never happen again, and possibly even therapy… until the tension builds again.

DV is not an “anger problem.” Perpetrators can control their behavior in other contexts. People with anger management problems lose their cool at the store, with friends and at their jobs. DV perpetrators confine their abuse to their partners.

Usually, a perpetrator will be the most wonderful person you have ever met. She will tell you how wonderful you are and call you every day just to let you know that she is thinking about you. Then she starts dropping by unannounced.

She’ll want the relationship to move very fast, and soon you’re living together. The one or two phone calls a day becomes three or four, plus e-mails. One day, she tells you that one of your good friends came on to her and that your friend would deny it if you confronted her. You drop your good friend. She starts telling you that your other friends are mean and that your family is intrusive. She may even decide that the two of you need to move to a new city. This is all happening because perpetrators isolate their victims.

Now that you’re becoming isolated, the accusations come: you cheated on him or came on to his best friend. You can never do anything right, and he puts you down for it. Whenever he gets mad at you, it’s always because of something you did.

It may be a year, even two, before the first strike comes. He may be resting and you jostle him, and boom. He tells you it’s his “startle reflex.” Or he may push you and later tell you that it’s because you provoked him. So you think that if you don’t do that anymore, the name-calling or pushing will stop. But then a month later, you’re driving down the road and he starts driving recklessly or he sidewinds you with his arm.

He has already convinced you to leave your job, and he controls the finances. Your friends are gone and you’re literally scared to death. You call a therapist who suggests couple’s therapy, so you go and he beats you worse in between sessions. Therapy only lasts for a few sessions, and you never have the chance to be alone with the therapist to tell him just how bad it is.

You get fed up, so you tell him you want to leave. That’s when the threats begin: to kill your pet, harm you or commit suicide. Your fear turns into panic and you don’t know where to turn.

Often, in victims, this is the point where they snap and risk everything in order to leave the relationship. Sometimes they have no place to go and they become homeless. Sometimes they stay with friends or relocate out of the city. It doesn’t always get to this point, and there are places to turn when you need assistance. A few of these are listed at the end of this article.

If you have a loved one who is in the situation, I have a few suggestions. Don’t tell her to leave the relationship. In the first part of the relationship, she will tell you how much she loves her partner and that she will change. Later on, the victim already knows she needs to get out and is feeling intense shame and humiliation. Only she can find the best time to leave, and she may literally be saving her life by staying or going back to the relationship.

The best thing that you can do is to be there for her. If she wants to start counseling but doesn’t have a car, offer to take her. If she wants to give you money so she can save up prior to moving, offer to hold it for her, along with other valuables and papers. If she wants a restraining order but can’t go it alone, go with her to the police station. Offer to let her use the internet or phone at your place; her partner might be monitoring calls and internet use.

If you or someone you love needs help, the following resources can be helpful.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

(800) 799-SAFE (7233)

Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexual

Women, (617) 423-7233