“I can’t bear being seen naked. I’m not exactly a tiny woman. When Sophia is naked, this is a lot of nakedness.” – La Loren explains why she is opposed to doing nude scenes. Being 473-years-old might be another reason.

I suppose I should have seen it coming. The minute the California Supreme Court legalized gay marriage, my phone started ringing. The first call came from Dan Renzi, formerly of “The Real World: Miami,” and currently managing editor at Express Gay News in South Florida. He said he wanted to make sure we set a date “because I know you’ve been waiting.” Call me old fashioned, but I think before I marry someone, I should have sex with him – and it would appear that all of Dan’s sex slots are filled (so to speak). I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think one of us could do better. I’m just not sure which!

Dan isn’t the only one with wedding fever. Ellen DeGeneres wasted no time in announcing on her daytime show that she will marry Portia de Rossi. Miss de Rossi, 15 years DeGeneres’ junior, conveniently was in the audience for a reaction shot, weeping her little Aussie eyes out. Not to be outdone, George Takei plans to wed his longtime companion, Brad Altman. The couple has been together for the past 21 years. Ellen and Portia have been together since … since … how long has it been since Heche returned from the mothership?

Of course, there’s always a downside. Ellen issued a press release saying that she and Portia were registered at Crate & Barrel, and fans immediately went on the store’s Web site to buy presents for the happy couple. Except, Ellen was joking – she was NOT registered there. Someone described as a “scam artist” set up the registry and has been receiving those pricey gifts. Really? I mean, did strangers really log in and buy gifts for Ellen and Portia? Am I the only one who thinks they deserve to be scammed?

Gifts may be the reason behind Mariah’s decision to get in on this wedding hoopla (that fulfills our “hoopla” quota for the year). Although Mimi and Nick Cannon already wed in a quickie private ceremony, she still wants a big day fit for a princess. Or should I say a Starlet, since we hear she’s patterning her New York nuptials on the failed Star Jones/Al Reynolds conjugation.

Since it is Pride Month, I want to take a second to announce that June7-8, I will be hosting the main stage of L.A. Pride, alongside my usual cohort, Momma. The entertainment committee has pulled out all the stops and brought in some stellar talent. The person most people are excited about is Joss Stone, our Saturday night headliner. It’s quite a coup for us to get her for a Pride festival. But, personally, I’m tingling with anticipation that I will get to work with the following day’s big name – Olivia Newton-John! I mean, she’s Olivia, for God’s sake. She’s a gay icon. Those lesbians named a cruise line after her. And she’s doing her only U.S. appearance at our little festival. Not bad at all.

You’ve probably already heard that Jennie Garth will be reprising her role of “Kelly Taylor” on the new “90210” incarnation. Her character is now working as a guidance counselor at the fictitious West Beverly High. Garth has only agreed to “guest appearances” until she sees how the show actually does, but the brass hopes to turn her into a series regular. And she could be joined by some familiar faces. Tori Spelling not only begged the producers to be included, she actually issued a press release that said her father, Aaron Spelling, always wanted to do an updated version of “Beverly Hills, 90210” and, to honor his dying wish, she should be a part of it. OY! But it worked – I’m told a Tori cameo was shoe-horned into the pilot with her future yet to be determined. And Rob Estes, who was on the sister show, “Melrose Place,” has been tapped to play the dad and school principal on the new series – which I guess means “Women’s Murder Club” ain’t coming back. That’s not all. Jason Priestly has indicated that he would be interested in returning to his role of “Brandon” – if anyone would call him. And Gabrielle Carteris’ “Andrea” might show up since she is the mother of a minor character in the pilot. Ian Ziering has also said he’d consider dropping in. But my buddy Shannen Doherty, who left the show prematurely, has not made any comment one way or the other. Well, she’s busy working for “here!”.

Am I the only one breathlessly awaiting another season of “Celebrity Rehab”? I found the first series riveting, and I’m even more interested now that I’ve heard Aaron Carter is one of the “celebs” being courted. You’ll recall that at the beginning of this year, I named Aaron “Star Most Likely to OD.” Well, if I’m gonna lose a bet, this is worth it – imagine how much fun we’d have watching him going through the DTs.

Someone else who has struggled with addictions is Boy George. The long-delayed trial regarding the alleged imprisonment of a male escort in his apartment will take place in November. But Georgie ain’t sitting on his laurels. He’s actually sitting on a chair at a marketplace in East London selling his “B Rude” T-shirts for $20 a pop to passersby – the UK Sun actually got a photo of him hawking his wares. When asked how business has been, Boy said, “It’s been all right – quiet today though.” Maybe he should try singing in the subways.

While I was perusing the UK tabloids, I saw a headline that grabbed my attention: “Mr. Gay UK Accused Of Bizarre ‘Dahmercide.’” Yes, that means exactly what you think it means. Mr. Gay UK 1993 has been charged with murdering an acquaintance. But it doesn’t end there. According to reports, he turned up covered in blood at a local shop near his home and told the clerk “I am the murderer – call the police.” When the fuzz got to his flat, they found he had stabbed his victim, who had a chunk of his leg missing. This piece of prime beef was found on the kitchen counter and is described as “it appears it was being prepared for cooking.” Ick!

Enough of dead flesh. I prefer to report on living and breathing beefcake. Hunky Chris Carmack is on the beach in Hawaii shooting The Reef – which sounds like a direct-to-DVD flick. Our spies have sent us some pics of the shirtless stud cavorting in the water, looking better than ever.

Hot men lead us directly into this week’s “Ask Billy” question. Toni of undetermined gender asks: “What do you think of the stud on ‘Farmer Takes a Wife’? He’s awfully purty.”

And awfully gay looking. How many farmers in the middle of nowhere shave their entire body, work out and watch their diet enough to attain that lean ripped physique? And, no “farmer tan” in sight – every part of Matt that is on display is evenly bronzed, which explains why he is shown riding his tractor shirtless. Come on – that’s not a straight guy. That’s a Chi Chi La Rue discovery. I dunno – the jury’s out on Matt Neustadt. Or, maybe I should say, it’s a hung jury … at least from the looks of the photos I’ve seen.

When I’m entertaining marriage proposals, it’s time to end yet another column. As I said, it’s now Pride Month and we should all take a moment to reflect on where we’ve been – and where we’re going. If you have any questions, drop a note to me at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Ellen and Portia really register at Home Depot! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.