“When she was on ‘American Idol,’ she came in seventh. This year, the winner came in her!” – Billy Masters’ perhaps less-than-gallant introduction of Kimberly Caldwell prior to her performance at L.A. Pride.

L.A. Pride has come and gone, and 2008 will go down as a very special year indeed. The entertainment committee (headed by the tireless and under-appreciated Gaye Ann Bruno) pulled out all the stops and got two big names as our headliners – Joss Stone (doing her only Pride celebration) and Olivia Newton-John (doing her only U.S. date in 2008). Our youngest audience in history went nuts over Joss, while Olivia was clearly the one that everyone wanted. But there were other people, too. “American Idol” was well represented by Kimberly Caldwell, Kimberley Locke (and her hot dancers), and Frenchie Davis – who I cajoled into singing “Seasons of Love” for the first time since leaving the Broadway company of Rent.

Throughout the weekend, we had surprise guests dropping in. Attorney Gloria Allred was a crowd pleaser since she brought the case for same-sex marriage to the California Supreme Court (and won). Leeza Gibbons was stunning when she showed up to introduce her friend Olivia Newton-John. And little Mikalah Gordon and Ross Matthews were bundles of energy bringing out Kimberly Locke. But Billy only had eyes for one lady.

The moment I got word that Charo wanted to come by to welcome the crowd, I was in heaven. I’ve seen it all, I’ve met them all, but this was CHARO! And I am thrilled to report she was everything I expected … and more. She was sweet, fun, vivacious, and smart as a whip. She pulled me aside backstage and went over how she wanted to be introduced repeatedly – each time getting more excited. Then, after I brought her onstage, she was yelling for “Guillermo” – which, of course, is me. When she explained to the audience that she was a classically trained guitarist, I found myself repeating things she said to make sure the audience got it. She chastised me in a heavily-accented voice saying, “I am speaking English, you don’t have to translate – what the hell is the matter with you?” We’re talking about taking our act on the road!

Maybe next year we could book LaBelle. Yes, Patti LaBelle, Sarah Dash, and Nona Hendryx have reunited and are in the studio as we speak … er, type. The trio plans a CD release in the fall which will be the first full album of new material for LaBelle in more than 30 years. The ladies have gotten together in the past, most prominently for the track “Release Yourself” which was on Patti’s album Burnin’ (which won Miss Patti her first Grammy) and “Turn it Out” for the To Wong Foo soundtrack. In 2004, they recorded the title track to the flick Preaching to the Choir which Hendryx scored. One of their new songs is “Dear Rosa,” a tribute to Rosa Parks. After the CD is released, LaBelle will embark on a nationwide tour – perhaps with former “Bluebelle” Cindy Birdsong!

George W. Bush may hit the road a bit earlier than anticipated … if Dennis Kucinich has anything to say about it. Billy’s favorite presidential candidate had the balls to introduce more than two dozen articles of impeachment against the president. Even though he’s getting little support from his colleagues (including that ineffectual Nancy Pelosi), I say bravo!

We now know who will be on the next season of “Celebrity Rehab.” First, Jeff Conaway is returning for another season – which normally is good news for a TV series, but is a dubious distinction in this particular case. Although Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore dropped out, Rod Stewart’s son Sean, Tawny Kitaen, Sebastian Bach and Rodney King (of all people) will also be patients. Rumored to join them are “AI” alum Nikki McKibbin and Aaron Carter.

In a macabre transition, would you like to have a piece of Heath Ledger’s ass? Look: dead, not dead, it was still a good ass. Up for auction is the director’s chair from Brokeback Mountain emblazoned with Ledger’s name. The auction of entertainment memorabilia is taking place at Bonhams & Butterfields in Los Angeles on June 16 and includes a number of personal possessions of Marilyn Monroe. But, one lucky person will get to put their ass where Heath’s once rested … and that’s a hard ass to follow.

I never feel bad for Madonna, but the Material Mum has had a shitty couple of weeks. First people attack her for adopting that little boy (whose name escapes me right now). Then tabloids are constantly predicting the demise of her marriage. And now, her opportunistic brother, our very own Christopher Ciccone, announced he’s writing a tell-all. People in the know whisper that this is an act of desperation, since Chris is allegedly penniless because of years of drugs and alcohol. Rumor has it that Chrissy has been tossed out of his pricey SoBe digs and had his car repossessed. So where the hell is he writing? In Starbucks? Just the title of the tome, My Life with My Sister Madonna, tells us something – he must be using past life regression, since he and Madge have been estranged for ages! What’s he gonna tell us about? The Blond Ambition Tour? Riveting!

Let me send some congrats out to our own Kevin Spirtas for joining the cast of “One Life to Live.” You surely remember the sexy actor from his days on “Days of Our Lives” and a number of stage roles. On “OLTL”, he’ll be playing “Jonas Chamberlain” who, if I know my soaps, will be shirtless a good amount of the time.

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Randy in Key West: “Have you heard about this video of Shia LaBeouf calling someone a faggot? All the Web sites I went to say the video is pulled, but I know you’ve got sources.”

Yes I have and yes I do. The video in question is allegedly from a couple of years ago and features Shia (who turned 22 last week) drinking with some buddies – which means the video is either one year old, or he was drinking underage. Anyway, LaBeouf tries to get one of his friends to hit him (actually, he wants to get “slapped” … how butch) and taunts him by using the term “faggot.” Needless to say, everyone’s panties are in a knot over this, and Shi immediately issued an apologetic statement saying it was a drunken game that got out of control and he’s very embarrassed by the footage. This would explain why all the Web sites housing it deleted the video … but not before I got a hold of it!

When I’m sharing videos of Charo and Shia, it’s time to find someone with a normal name and end yet another column. Have I mentioned that I am EXHAUSTED? Ten days left in L.A. and then I leave for the summer (well, I sneak back into town for the Rosie O’Donnell Les Miz, but we’ll get to that later). If you have a question that needs answering, write me at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Madonna gives a rat’s ass about her brother’s book! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.