“Let me tell you, if ‘Robin’ somehow crops up in one of the new Batman films along the line, I’ll be chaining myself up somewhere and refusing to go to work.” – Christian Bale makes a stand regarding any sidekick showing up for Batman. While I’m sorry to not see him cavorting with “Robin,” the idea of Christian chained up is quite titillating.

How was my Fourth of July weekend? Fine, if you skip the part about the paramedics rushing to the scene and my head covered in blood! Oh, what a weekend. If nothing else, I now can say I’ve been inside of an ambulance – conscious! Who in Ptown can say that?! A good time was had by all …

I have a pet peeve. Actually, I have a pet dog, but I also have a pet peeve. And that is when I’ve met someone repeatedly and they don’t remember me. It bothers me because I have such a good memory – except when I see John Cantwell from “The Nellie Olesons.” I wish I could blame it on my head injury, but every time he’s come up to me since we first met 10 years ago, I have a blank look on my face – until he says his name. Prior to that, I just think he’s a hot blond guy … which he is, but that’s beside the point. The point is that “The Nellie Olesons” are an outrageously funny and talented trio, made up of hunky John Cantwell, sexy Terrence Michael, and Nora Burns – who is probably sexy too, but that’s not my department. They’re a hoot and they’re playing Provincetown’s UU House through Aug. 8 and you really should check them out. See their full schedule at www.thenellieolesons.com.

I ran into John while we were waiting to see Jackie Beat at the Post Office Café. How Miss Beat has never played Ptown before is a mystery to me because it’s a match made in heaven – or hell. You decide. That oversight is being rectified this summer as she packs ‘em in once Jimmy James gets off the stage (oh, she does go on … and on … and on). If you want sharp, scathing wit and naughty little ditties, check out Jackie. But don’t sit near the stage or you could end up part of the show! More information can be found at www.jackiebeatrules.com.

It’s entirely possible that Doris Day has lost her mind. The former movie star/animal activist/recluse lives in the lovely little city of Carmel, and has distanced herself from her past vocation. According to biographer David Kaufman, Day has gone so far as to insist that her friends call her “Clara.” She signs notes as Clara, she answers the phone as Clara, it’s “Clara” this and “Clara” that. And I don’t even believe that’s a name in the Kabbalah!

Last week, I spent the better part of this column telling my readers what some of their favorite hunks look like in real life. I think often we compare ourselves to the unrealistic images the media feeds us about how celebrities look, when reality is vastly different. These folks have problems too. The tabloids are running a photo of Tom Cruise in a pair of snug jeans, shirtless, and shot from behind, and sporting what I’ll lovingly call a muffin top! The tabs have titled the pic “Days of Blubber.” Now, come on – that’s not nice. It’s true, but it’s not nice.

Speaking of chunky hunks, Matt LeBlanc is in trouble with his business manager – which is kinda hard to do when you’re not working. His manager alleges that Matt owes $1 million from work on “Friends” and “Joey” – admittedly, probably very little is from “Joey.”

Matt and Tom might want to improve their image with a bit of nip/tuck. They’ll have to call someone new, ‘cause surgeon to the stars, Dr. Steven Hoefflin, is in the nut house. But is he crazy? Crazy like a fox is more like it. Last week, a $100 million defamation lawsuit was filed against “Doc Hollywood” by two former business partners. Three days later, Hoefflin checked himself into Cedars-Sinai’s psychiatric ward. Then again, who could argue that the plastic surgeon to Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson isn’t at least a little wacko?

BTW, Dr. Hoefflin isn’t alone. We hear that “Jackass” star Steve-O is also in Cedars’ psych ward. Just gives us an excuse to run some hot pics of the psycho stud (who likes to show his dick)!

Maybe all these people need a good massage. Anne Hathaway turned to a masseuse to help her through her recent difficulties (the depths of which go beyond the confines of this column). But she didn’t just find any old masseuse. She found a psychic masseuse! I don’t believe there is an accredited college teaching this skill.

One of Billy’s favorite shows, “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, is poised to take on a subject ripped from the headlines – same-sex marriage! We hear that in an early episode, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (she of the heterosexual persuasion) marries Wanda Sykes (the jury’s out on her). I doubt it’s a romantic storyline – they’re probably trying to screw the system for something like health benefits or a tax break. But it should be lots of fun to watch.

That leads directly into this week’s “Ask Billy” question, which comes from Steve in Chicago: “I was in WeHo a couple weeks ago and overheard some guys talking about same-sex marriage. Two gorgeous guys said they just got married. I swear one of them was porn star Tyler Saint. Do you know if it’s true? Damn those two are hot! Would love to be a fly on their wall!”

You and me both! It’s true. Tyler (real name John Martell) and his boyfriend Rob Peters did indeed tie the knot – and we’ve got the photo of them kissing under the trellis to prove it. Of course, the photo I like more is them crying after the ceremony. Awww. I don’t mind sharing these details because the boys have been all over the media about California legalizing same-sex marriage.

In news that I think will be more up my reader’s alley, so to speak, Tyler just did his first bottoming scene. And who got to top him? Sexy Brit Ross Hurston (we’ll always have Earl Morgan) – who I met onstage when I was being inducted into the “Wall of Fame” at the Grabby Awards … but enough about me. The scene with Tyler and Ross is part of Trunks 5, which can be viewed on www.hothouse.com, and will be out on DVD in a couple of months.

Could it be that a certain spurned siren has hooked up with yet another homo hunk? She just ended a rocky relationship with someone who actually lived in the closet and jumped right into another with a guy about to get a Brazilian! But, don’t fret for our fearless femme fatale … she’s a smart cookie and knows these dangerous liaisons are only helping her career – whatever that is!

When I can go from a psychic masseuse to a same-sex marriage, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. This was an awfully entertaining column from someone who barely knows where he is. Where am I? Physically, I’m in N.Y.C. this week, attending a swanky Broadway opening night and a Logo premiere. Oh, the glamour never ends. But no matter where I am, I’m constantly online, answering your questions and trying to make your days a little brighter. So feel free to send me a note at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you right after I send a basket of muffin tops (which are yummy at breakfast) to Aunt Clara in Carmel! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.