“I think Lindsay Lohan and Samantha [Ronson] are an adorable couple, and I think they’re really cute together.” – Pop princess Belinda Carlisle gives her opinion on our latest ambiguously gay duo. When asked elsewhere if she’s had any similar relationships, she says, “Believe me – I’ve been there and I’ve done it all.”

You know the times are a-changin’ when the so-called mainstream press is speculating about someone’s sexuality. This is no longer the realm of the tabloids or those nasty bloggers. We’re now talking CNN and MSNBC. When it comes to Lindsay and Samantha, everything appears to be fair game. Even the fuzz have gotten involved. LAPD Chief William Bratton appeared at a hearing about stricter paparazzi laws (something he opposes). His argument is that if celebs don’t act up, the paps aren’t an issue: “If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank God; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue.”

Lindsay, who heretofore has not said a word about her sexual orientation, shot back: “People shouldn’t get involved in everyone else’s business when it comes to their personal life. It’s inappropriate.”

Then Lohan’s dad decided to chime in: “I haven’t heard anything from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my faith. She just wouldn’t ask.” Almost makes Dina look like a prize!

Lindsay may not be getting married, but Heather Matarazzo is. The out actress will soon marry gal pal Carolyn Murphy. The couple have been together for more than a year and recently proposed to each other (we’re told Heather proposed first, with Carolyn following suit). Congrats, girls.

I don’t expect Sandra Bernhard to marry her spousal equivalent anytime soon – the omni-talented thespian ain’t someone who’d do something so bourgeois. But she is celebrating a milestone – the 20th anniversary of her landmark show “Without You I’m Nothing.” She’s marking the occasion with a new tour revisiting the breakout material. First stop is Washington D.C.’s Theatre J on Sept. 9. Full dates and cities can be found at www.sandrabernhard.com.

Prior to D.C., Miss Sandi will be in Provincetown during Carnival Week. She’ll hit Vixen for four shows Aug. 19-20. Catch her (and her sexy musical director Mitch Kaplan) if you can.

Paris Hilton took a break from tanning and political ads to consider making her stage debut – on U.K.’s West End! Believe it or not, Hilton was asked to assume the role of “Roxie Hart” in Chicago (not so far-fetched – Melanie Griffith did it on Broadway). Paris was intrigued enough to endure two full days of rehearsals. However, when she caught a glimpse at the eight shows a week schedule, she balked. “I was flattered, but with my schedule, there was no way I could fit it in.” I dunno – I’ve seen her sex video, and I don’t believe there’s a limit to what Paris could accommodate.

You probably think the Paris item was the most bizarre showbiz news of the week, but you’d be wrong. Kevin Costner has announced that he will not participate in a Dances With Wolves sequel. Fine. Sequels are usually tacky anyway. But in the same breath, he announced that he’s working on a follow-up to The Bodyguard. Why revisit an Oscar-winning film when you could work with Whitney Houston again?

With the Olympics starting, I thought I’d look at an out athlete – ‘cause nothing brings me more pleasure than scantily-clad muscular men. Since The Advocate did a feature on Australia’s Matthew Mitcham, we’ll look at this rippling diver. The 20-year-old came out recently when he matter-of-factly told a reporter that he was in a two-year relationship with a guy named Lachan. When asked what response he got from the other divers, he candidly replied, “They don’t seem to mind that I’m a big homo.” Ya gotta love that! In what I think is a first, his lover will be able to go to China to watch him compete – courtesy of the Johnson & Johnson’s Athlete Family Support Program.

This might be a good time to mention that I, Billy Masters, earned my letter as a diver in high school. Yes, I was like a less-talented Greg Louganis – but I earned a letter anyway. At one point, I even participated in a diving clinic with Louganis. Oh, I was quite the athlete. Throughout high school and college, I coached and taught swimming and diving. I was even a lifeguard! And you think the Speedos are a recent affectation? Honey, they were a requirement.

Speaking of the Olympics, let’s talk about Ian Thorpe. He’s always been pretty cagey about his sexuality – like in a recent interview when he said, “There is someone special in my life, but they don’t live in this country.” Note the gender-free singular pronoun (which I’m sure makes my proofreaders cringe). When another interviewer asked him for details, he refused to name the person, but clarified that it was a female: “She’s a friend of a friend of mine. She has all of the qualities that are most important to me.” One of those qualities, I’m assuming, is not having a dick.

Ian ain’t the only one going out of his way to proclaim his heterosexuality. Remember Sanjaya? Just when I thought I erase him from my memory, he does an interview with Courant magazine and talks about a girlfriend. Girlfriend, please! He said, “She is in school and when she finishes, we’ll see where it goes.” Yeah, whatever. Then he reveals he has a pet guinea pig he’s named “Miss McGillucuddy.” Yeah, straight as a U-turn!

This week’s “Ask Billy” question is about four months old. Way back then, Doug in Phoenix wrote: “I think Hunter Parrish on ‘Weeds’ is the hottest guy on TV. But you never mention him. What up with that?!”

What can I tell you? I never had anything to say … until now. We’ve held onto Doug’s letter in hopes that I’d have a reason to run it. Hunter is joining the Broadway cast of Spring Awakening on Aug. 18, so you’ll get a chance to see him in the flesh. And what sexy flesh it is. Parrish just turned 21, so you know what that means – he’s finally legal, and he’s too old for TR Knight (which will provoke more hate mail, but fuck it). In a recent episode of “Weeds,” little Hunter performed oral sex on Julie Bowen. Although he’s naked, you only see him from the back. And while I’m not much of a back-man, I must confess this is totally hot – and it’s a helluva butt.

Could it be that a certain closet-hopping gal has landed yet another gay dude? She’s certainly got a thing for hot men of dubious sexuality – high IQ not required. And now she’s with that “confirmed bachelor,” a term which used to be code for “gay” way back when. No one’s saying anything publicly, but she’s dancing as fast as she can, which is fine. She’s taken the lead, which is good since he’s more of a follower, anyway.

When Sanjaya has a girlfriend, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. A fan recently wrote me after investigating years of my old columns. He noted that during bygone summers, I’d devote a column to some of my fan’s favorite fellas. “What ever happened to …” columns were always a favorite, so I think Labor Day might be a nice week to revisit this tradition. Send in your candidates to billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you within the next four months. So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.