“I masturbate a lot!” – Ernest Borgnine tells his secret for looking so young. And here I thought he used Tova’s youthful elixir. Kinda’ makes you wonder what her secret ingredient is.

In the dozen or so years that I’ve written this column, I’d like to say I’m proud to have never been sued. But, that actually pisses me off – imagine what a lawsuit would have done for my career! Over the years, four people have threatened, but those threats were never followed up. First was Noah Wyle, who called me a “gossipmonger” in the tabloids (which sounds like grounds for me suing him). There was a Mr. Hotlanta whose name escapes me (Google it) who threatened to sue my Atlanta paper if they didn’t drop my column after I reported a widespread rumor that he was holed up – so to speak – in Elton John’s condo. There was no merit to his case, but the editor at my paper was bullied into acquiescing. He committed suicide shortly thereafter (the editor, not Miss Congeniality). More recently, Colin Farrell had his lawyers demand that I take down his porn video, which I believe was ill-advised since it showcased some of his best work.

Of course, that’s only three. The fourth was Tom Lowe – someone you’ve never heard of. He was a contestant on “American Idol” a couple of years back who was cut during Hollywood Week. Although born in Britain, he went to college in Boston and was rumored to have dabbled in some activities requiring little-to-no clothing. He also did some full-frontal nude modeling. I was happy to run the rumor AND the photos. Once he got wind of my report (some six months after publication), he sent a long e-mail, the gist of which asked if we’d take down the “dabbling” statement. No problem – we certainly never want to hurt anyone. You give a dabbler an inch, he’ll want all eight. He then demanded the entire item and nude photos be excised, because it allegedly hurt his thriving career. Clearly he’s never heard of Paris Hilton. Or Simon Rex – where the heck is he, anyway? The e-mails got more ludicrous, and eventually I said, “Go ahead and sue.” We never heard from him again.

Why this trip down memory lane? Because I found myself watching Mr. Lowe during the recent semi-staged production of Les Miserables at the Hollywood Bowl (directed with aplomb by Richard Jay-Alexander). I must confess, I went in hoping he’d be lousy so I could gleefully rip him apart and run the nude photos again. But guess what? He was quite good; strong voice, incisive acting, and real presence. And when I spied him backstage, he seemed quite friendly to everyone (I kept a safe distance). It almost made me regret showing his nude photos to everyone I encountered. Almost, but not quite. I’m fairly confident they’ll show up again on the site.

The rest of the cast was uniformly good. The standout on opening night was Ruth Williamson, who had the unenviable task of replacing Rosie O’Donnell as “Madame Thénardier.” She not only rose to the occasion – she stole the show. Aside from Ruth, I felt the men really outshone the women, including little Sage Ryan as “Gavroche.” BroadwayWorld.com did a great job covering the event with photos and videos, so check it out.

While in L.A., I was able to attend Sam Harris’ CD release/listening party. Rather than hosting an event where his new CD, Free, would be played (and sold), he actually performed all the tracks live at 88’s Cabaret, produced by hottie Ryan Black (next to him, I’m a pale brunette!). I adore Sam. Not only does he sound great, he looks happier than ever, which I’m sure is due to his new role as daddy to 3-month-old Cooper Atticus Harris-Jacobsen. You can snag his CD and get loads of info at www.samharris.com.

When I wasn’t out, I was glued to my TV watching the Olympics (note to self: learn Chinese, because they’re gonna’ take over the world). You know who else was watching from home? Mark Spitz – and he’s pissed. He feels, and rightfully so, that he should have been invited to attend by the Olympic committee, especially with Michael Phelps out to break his record. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

BTW, if anyone is planning a made-for-TV movie about Michael Phelps, I have three words for you – Jo Anne Worley. She’d be fabulous as the Widow Phelps.

Congrats to the US men’s gymnastic team for its bronze metal. Shortly after their win, the boys decided to doff their tops for a shirtless snap wearing their metals. Yummo! My favorite would be Alexander Artemev – who has turned up shirtless on the pommel horse (and in my dreams). I’m also partial to that little midget, Jonathan Horton. And those are some arms on Raj!

Speaking of hot, we hear David Beckham will be a surprise guest during the closing ceremonies.

Some college athletes found themselves in hot water when it was discovered they dabbled (oh, there’s that word again) in gay porn. Paul Donahoe and Kenny Jordan were wrestlers for the Huskers team at the University of Nebraska. They also did some nude modeling for FratmenTV.com. Bing, bang, boom – they’re history. Not for being on a gay site. Not even for being naked (and sporting impressive hard-ons). But because they received compensation for use of their images. In other words, if they fucked each other and didn’t make a nickel, they’d still be on the team (and mighty popular with their teammates)!

When I read the headline “Julia Child was not who you thought she was,” I was sure some genetic testing proved she was a man. But, no dice – Child was a spy during World War II. Or was it the Civil War?

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Robbie in Lake George, NY: “I heard Jake Gyllenhaal was making some movie wearing a toga. Do you know what it is? And how does he look in the toga?”

The movie you’re talking about is probably Prince of Persia, although I don’t think they called it a toga in Persia. In fact, in some surreptitious snaps from the set, he appears to be shirtless and wearing a skirt. Well, it’s a look that appears to be working for the buffed-up babe.

Could it be that Zac Efron is turning into a much younger Ryan Seacrest? They certainly have at least one thing in common – the little hottie. That’s not a boy (or a girl) – it’s a travel-sized flat iron! Zac is obsessed with keeping his hair from curling, and carries his “Lil’ Hottie” everywhere. Backstage at the “Teen Choice Awards,” Zac was caught with the iron in his hand and swore he was taking it to Vanessa Hudgens. Then why was it hot, Efron?

When ANYONE is gayer than Ryan Seacrest, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. I’m back in Boston to close out the summer of rain (second note to self – never spend a summer back east again). That gives me two weeks to investigate some of your favorite stars of yesteryear for our “What ever happened to …” column. That nicely coincides with the Jerry Lewis Telethon, where many of your “what ever happened to” candidates will turn up! For your specific questions, drop a note to me at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the Widow Phelps shows up somewhere with a boa! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.