“I think part of me would love to play a drag queen, just because it would be an excuse to wear loads of eye makeup.” – Daniel Radcliffe tells Details his secret dream. What is it about young Hollywood and eye makeup? I gotta look into this …

The Democratic and Republican conventions and Olympics kept me glued to the tube but, as readers of this column know, nothing can keep me away from “The Jerry Lewis Telethon.” Each year, the show gets progressively worse – it’s almost hypnotic. Oh, sure, Tom Bergeron is the best host on TV, and no one is more beautiful (or poised) than Nancy O’Dell. And how phenomenal was Billy Gilman – both as a singer and a host. He’s really becoming someone to watch. But Jerry was clearly off his game from the moment he made his out-of-breath entrance – which was surprising because he’s lost weight and looks better than he has in years. He was so disoriented and distracted, he almost made Ed McMahon look virile!

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the host in the wee small hours was Ace Young. On the surface, this “American Idol” cast-off seems to have it all (btw, he’s headed to Broadway to play “Kenickie” in Grease). He’s got a gorgeous face, great head of hair, rockin’ body and the camera clearly loves him. Then he opens his mouth and the poor thing is devoid of any charisma or presence. His singing was pleasant enough if somewhat non-descript. Still, I’d take him over the new version of Menudo. If ever five less talented people were assembled on one stage, I’ve not encountered them. They weren’t even cute!

On the opposite side of the spectrum, the divinely talented Charles Busch is debuting his new play, The Third Story, at the La Jolla Playhouse on Sept. 16. The show focuses on three disparate stories that will somehow intertwine: a mother and son screenwriting team in the 1940s, the uneasy alliance between a mob queen and an icy female scientist, and a Russian fairy tale in which a shy princess makes a dark pact with a mercurial witch! Charles will appear alongside one of my favorite actresses – Mary Beth Peil. It’s like a match made in heaven. I can’t wait!

I almost never tell you I wish I were in L.A. But, damn, I wish I could have been there on Sept. 3. That was the day Fran Drescher and ex-hubby Peter Marc Jacobson co-hosted a cocktail party to benefit Love, Honor, Cherish and Equality California, two groups fighting Proposition 8, which is a ban on same-sex marriage. Fran has always been a huge supporter of the gay community – she is an icon, after all – and people seem impressed that she and her ex are coming together for this particular cause. Of course, I’m not surprised – they’re still best friends, professional collaborators and incredibly supportive of each other. And, he’s gay (and gorgeous, but that’s beside the point). The event raised more than $40K and was a huge success with Fran speaking passionately about protecting the rights of all people. Congrats!

Happily, I will be back in California in time for another event – “L.A. Sunset Strips” on Sept. 14. This is a benefit for the Actors Fund and AIDS Project L.A. and will feature more than 100 performers who will, according to the press release, “strut, tease, and bare it (mostly) all.” It all sounds like a West Coast version of the very successful “Broadway Bares,” which is a good thing. Expect lots of skin and lots of laughs – especially since the show is being written by Bruce Vilanch and will feature Leslie Jordan, Wilson Cruz and Jai Rodriguez. You can get more info at www.actorsfund.org or www.apla.org.

I have come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with the McConaughey family gene pool. Yes, Matthew is hot and I’d do him, but I’ve always thought that perhaps his parents were first cousins. If they were, then one of them died smiling. According to Mrs. McConaughey, she fucked her husband to death … literally. In her new book I Amaze Myself (that makes one of us), she said that her hubby died while they were having their Monday morning sex and that, “it was just the best way to go.” That’s not even the best part. When the paramedics arrived, she didn’t cover up his naked body – “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey – and his gift.” As in his manhood! I’m telling you, they’re like carny folk.

Oh, in case you think this mental disorder skips a generation, Matthew said, “I can’t think of a better way to go. I hope my own death is way down the line, but when it happens, that’s my preferred exit strategy.” He’s also planting his son’s placenta in an orchard hoping “it’s going to bear some wonderful fruit.”

Have you been following this soap opera called the Palin family? Granted, they’re a good-looking bunch. You’ve got that hot son who’s being shipped off to Iraq for dubious reasons (and doesn’t he look PETRIFIED?); the handsome dad, known in Alaska as the “First Dude”; the daughter who is having her first or second child – depending on who you believe; her baby daddy who looked like he was cruising the convention for chicks; and the governor’s son/grandson being passed around the convention floor like a party favor! I did find out that when Sarah and Tom married, they eloped, allegedly because they didn’t want to put a financial burden on their parents. Yeah, right – she gave birth to her first child exactly eight months later. Anyhoo, when they got to the justice of the peace, they didn’t know they needed witnesses. What did they do? Go to the nursing home next door and bring over two senior citizens! Yeah, these are the people I want a heartbeat away from the Oval Office – people who didn’t even teach their daughter that you’re most fertile right after giving birth.

Now we come to my favorite story of the week. Pamela Anderson was doing some press in Australia for her reality show “Pam: Girl on the Loose.” At a meet-and-greet in Sydney, a reporter pulled down his pants and asked Pam to autograph his undies – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that. Pam had no objections (why would she?), until the writer pulled a chicken leg out of his briefs … begging the question, did Pam just think he was just happy to see her? Anderson was horrified when he started chomping on the drumstick to protest her anti-KFC stance. I think she was more unhappy he didn’t whip out his dick.

When someone’s eating chicken and it’s not TR Knight, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. So I’m sitting here in Fort Lauderdale and what’s it doing? Raining! I can’t get away from this rain. Like I said before, it’s almost making me eager to return to California. For your specific needs, you can write to me at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we find out where the Palin placenta is buried! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.