“If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet and you can find a lot of people there who don’t like you … They can suck it.” – Golden Globe winner Tina Fey addresses her haters.

My favorite aspect of the Globes is that as they go on and on, everyone gets more and more drunk. None of that helped the bomb of the evening – Sacha Baron Cohen’s attack on Hollywood. Kathy Griffin is smart enough to always remember the old adage “know your audience.” If Sacha wanted to go after Guy Ritchie and Madonna in a group of non-entertainment folk, people would eat it up. But in front of a solely industry audience? Not so much. The groans you heard on TV were nothing compared to the boos in the venue.

However, Sacha didn’t have the most embarrassing moment of the night. No, that was saved for Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. The diminutive interviewer spied Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and literally leapt off his perch and walked right over to them. Did he get the interview? Nope. Despite being inches from her face, Angelina never turned her head, and Brad said something over his shoulder that looked like, “Back off, bitch.” A security man literally pushed Ryan away while Brangelina sauntered over to chat with Billy Bush from “Access Hollywood.” Ouch … that’s gotta hurt. Seacrest OUT!

Most absurd thing I saw? A rather bloated Leonardo DiCaprio walking around with a security guard who quite forcefully suggested everyone around NOT take his photo … or else. How silly!

Hottest guy at the awards? Colin Farrell. Perfect hair, perfect weight, perfect everything. And, of course, we all know he has the perfect penis.

Another incredibly hot guy was Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who looked fit as a fiddle and not nearly as sketchy as when we last met. He practically knocked me over to get into a men’s room stall after the awards, and stayed sequestered in said stall for the better part of 10 minutes. I never saw Johnny again (I can only loiter in the loo for so long). Paparazzi snapped him being helped out of the hotel, so maybe he was ill. After ditching the parties, he must have recovered because the paps caught him chowing down on burgers at the Saddle Ranch Bar on Sunset.

Everywhere I turned, I found myself face to face with Jeremy Piven (often joined at the hip with Shemar Moore). I did my best to avoid shaking hands with him – never know what you might catch! All night, he was questioned ENDLESSLY about his alleged “mercury poisoning” and abrupt departure from the Broadway production of Speed-The-Plow. On the red carpet, he was accompanied by Mark Wahlberg, who quipped, “I’m just wondering if this mercury poisoning isn’t contagious.” There’s that Wahlberg humor we’ve heard so much about! The New York Post is claiming that Piven may have to dish out some money to producers who had been close to recouping their investment. But another rumor is circulating – that he was FIRED from the show and the illness story was made up as a way for him to depart and save face. And, as Barbara Walters would say, he’s welcome back any time!

At the HBO party, Drew Barrymore showed off her new tongue piercing while spending time with her Grey Gardens co-star Jessica Lange (and don’t those eyes look particularly Asian?). When Lange left, Drew bummed a cigarette off of Amy Poehler and stayed with her and hubby Will Arnett till the end of the evening. Tina Fey made a quick run through, while Sigourney sat at a table looking quite stunning, if not somewhat unapproachable (not that that’s ever stopped me). Sexy Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto posed together and talked Trek, while hunky Ryan Kwanten gabbed about “True Blood.” All the while, Shirley MacLaine made four complete loops of the party. That’s her cardio workout for 2009!

I was not invited to Kevin Huvane’s exclusive CAA bash, and neither was Paris Hilton. But while I schmoozed with her parents at the HBO party, Paris was trying to slip into CAA’s soirée … to disastrous results. Huvane (who is no fool) had his eye on the door when Paris arrived and loudly asked, “Who let her in?” At that moment, Hilton slipped into the ladies room – hoping to avoid a confrontation. What she didn’t know is Kevin had instructed security to wait outside the door. Once Paris eventually emerged, she was ejected.

Last week, I planned to write about hunky Chris Evans coming out in favor of gay marriage. Since we ran long, I cut the story and figured I’d slip it in this week. As luck would have it, I found Chris slipping in next to me at the Golden Globes bar! After getting the usual geography out of the way (we’re both from Boston), I applauded him for this quote: “It’s mindboggling and appalling that human beings are being denied civil rights in this country.” It’s a personal issue for Chris – his younger brother is gay (and he says they look exactly alike). Of course, we tracked down Scott Evans and have some pics to share with you on our site.

But, back to Chris – turns out he has a secret: “I’m down with the gays. Mostly I’m hanging out with my brother and his gay buddies, who are fucking hilarious. They’re the funniest people I know. They’ve invited me out to gay bars before, and I said, ‘Look, guys, I’ve got to draw the line there.’ That’s where a photo will get taken, it will run in magazines, and before you know it, I’ll be living down the gay rumor for the rest of my life.” Far be it from me to start any rumors, but we’ve also learned that he has a crush on Brad Pitt, enjoys the blue tights from Fantastic Four flicks (which he tells me are over), and donned drag with Milo Ventimiglia (also in drag) for a performance of “I Will Survive” from the pilot episode of the TV series “Opposite Sex.” And, girlfriend, they be SANGING! Because we’re givers, we found this footage and you can enjoy it on BillyMasters.com.

The day after the Globes, I attended “Defying Inequality,” a benefit thrown by the cast of Wicked to raise money to promote equality and civil rights. This benefit actually took place in four cities – Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Louisville. Louisville? That’s where the national tour of Wicked happens to be (L.A. and Chicago had their own companies). The L.A. event featured a host of talent, including Eden Espinosa, Megan Hilty, Jason Graae, Jo Anne Worley and composer Steven Schwartz. We’re told it raised oodles of money.

By the way, any of you who were planning on seeing the Broadway revival of Hair to catch Ms. Espinosa, forget it. She’s bowed out. While the official excuse is citing a scheduling conflict, we hear that Eden absolutely refused to do the nude scene – probably guessing (correctly) that it would end up on some sordid site like BillyMasters.com!

When I don’t have time for a blind item or a question, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. I am SO excited – I have a week of peace and quiet. No events. No house guests. No nothing. Just me and the endless parade of naked men that pass through Billy Masters International. You can keep up on all the cummings and goings at www.billymasters.com. Since I’ve got so much free time, feel free to write me at billy@billymasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Paris signs with CAA. Until next time, remember, one man’s gossip is another man’s bible.