Oh my dear, do I know what you mean. It is really hard to ignore something like non-stop chatter, no matter how many other good qualities this woman has. So, figure out a way to let her know that you would like more quiet time in your relationship.

Instead of just blurting out “You talk too much!” try something like: “Sometimes I just love to be with you and enjoy the quiet, can we try this?” or “I just love to (look at you/hold you/lay with you/whatever). Can we try this for a few minutes?”

If that doesn’t work, try the more direct approach. First, tell her all her wonderful qualities, and list them all, “You are so beautiful, smart, good in bed, etc., and I love being with you, but I am not used to being with someone who likes to talk as much as you do. Can you help me with this?

For most of us, talking too much goes pretty deep, and isn’t something we can change overnight (even Doctor Beyond has been told he sometimes talks too much, imagine that?), so expecting dramatic changes isn’t realistic. But, if you don’t ask for what you want (nicely and respectfully), you have no chance of getting it.

Okay, I’ll spare you the sweetness and light approach and cut to the chase: why do you think people are responding to you in a “stuck up and unfriendly” way? Could they be mirroring back to you what they’re seeing? I’m not being rude: this is simply a reality check. What are you presenting to others? Do you appear unapproachable? Are you so defensive and afraid that others can’t see the wonderful you underneath?

Give to others what you want to get back. It works. If you are smiling and friendly, dancing in a club, enjoying your own company, sitting in a café, working out at a gym, believe me honey, people will want to know you. Many of us found San Diego a bit scary when we first moved here, but I promise you there are lots of great guys here, just waiting to meet you. Give us a chance.

Dear Doctor Beyond:

My father is a real jerk. He drives me crazy, he puts me down and doesn’t like my girlfriend either. I usually see him once a week (he lives here in San Diego) and wonder if I should just dump him and get him out of my life, or should I try to work it out? He is my father, after all…

Signed,

Frustrated Daughter in Talmadge

In deciding what to do about your father, ask yourself: “What do I want out of this?” Is there realistic hope for this relationship to grow and change, or will you be more fulfilled by cutting your father out of your life? While it often seems easier to cut and run, this is an illusion. It is very hard for most of us to really forget our parents, no matter how awful they are. Despite our wanting to dump them, they haunt us in our thoughts and dreams because they have imprinted themselves deeply upon our consciousness. Even if we never see them again, or they die, we still have to make peace with them in our heads; otherwise, we won’t be free of them.

If you choose to be free of your father, I suggest you reflect on what he means to you (the good times/bad times you’ve shared, how you are like him, unlike him, etc.). This takes time and effort, but I don’t think you can skip this step and be free of him. Our minds don’t usually hit the erase button that easily.

Warning, warning! If you and your father mirror each other in any major way, take note. For example, if you are both stubborn and unwilling to change, your relationship is probably doomed unless someone is open to change. And it will probably have to be you (surprise, surprise).