The Last House on the Left could be interpreted as the most vile, misogynistic “Just Say No” ad ever.

Then again, you’d have to assume that this remake of the 1972 Wes Craven classic has a point, other than pure shock value.

Craven’s debut was by no means great art (even though it was inspired by Ingmar Bergman’s Oscar-winning The Virgin Spring), but at least it had suspense, and in retrospect it’s easy to see how its low-budget brutality influenced decades of horror filmmakers to come.

Director Dennis Iliadis’ version retains the same basic story – a couple of teenage girls on the hunt for pot get abducted and savagely attacked by psychopaths – but there’s nothing particularly special about it artistically. It’s slick and quick and loud, filled with the typical amped-up thumps that accompany every body blow.

Working from a script by Adam Alleca and Carl Ellsworth (Disturbia), Iliadis puts his spin on the proceedings by prolonging the most grotesque, violent elements and making them more graphic. The result is never scary, but instead feels deplorably gratuitous – especially a rape scene in the woods, which goes on forever and seems intended for titillation.

Sara Paxton (Aquamarine) and Martha MacIssac (Superbad) play Mari and Paige, the girls in peril. But long before they meet up with quiet teenager Justin (Spencer Treat Clark) and his promise of primo stuff, Iliadis’ camera has been leering at the leggy Mari.

And so once she ditches her parents (a miscast Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter) to hang out with Paige the party-girl townie, you know she’s in trouble. The two end up going back to Justin’s motel room to get high, only to cross paths with Justin’s escaped-convict dad, Krug (Garret Dillahunt), his uncle Frank (Aaron Paul) and the bisexual Sadie (Riki Lindhome), who sort of belongs to everyone and no one.

Assuming that the girls are a threat to their safety, the crazies drag them into the woods with plans to torture them and leave them for dead. But when a storm comes and they need shelter, they end up knocking on the door of the nearest lake house, which belongs to – you guessed it – Mari’s family.

Her otherwise civilized parents do get their bloody revenge on these freaks – once they realize who they are, that is. It actually takes them way too long to figure out that something is a bit off about them. The physical showdown with the bad guys is wildly destructive, protracted and repetitive; rather than sucking you in, it’ll inspire you to look at your watch, wondering when it’ll end.

You do have to give mom and dad some credit for being clever in their retaliation, though. If nothing else, Last House might make you think twice before using the microwave or the garbage disposal.

Running Time: The Last House on the Left, a Rogue Pictures release, runs 109 minutes.

Bottom Line: Zero stars out of four.

What’s it about?: Set in 1985 in an alternate universe, the U.S. is in bad shape. Nixon is running for his third term (!), war is about to break out with the Russians and superheroes have become outcasts in a world so complicated even they can’t get enthusiastic about saving it. When one of them, a former member of the Watchmen named The Comedian, is sent hurtling to his death by an unknown intruder in his apartment, it brings his former associates, forced into retirement, back together (sort of) to help solve this geek-laden whodunit. Among them are Rorschach, a sociopath whose face is concealed by a mask that changes patterns with his moods (hence the name); Dan, a gadget nerd who used to soar as Nite Owl but now is rendered impotent in every way imaginable; Adrian who lives off merchandising his glory days as “genius” Oxymandias; Laurie, aka Silk Spectre II, still living in the shadow of her faded superhero mom, the aging Sally, aka the original Silk Spectre; and above all else, Jon Osterman who, as the result of a government accident, has morphed into the physically imposing, almost always naked and very blue demigod named Dr. Manhattan. He eventually leads a life in exile on Mars.

Who’s in it?: Although the busy visual landscape and CGI nature of this sprawling comic-book epic doesn’t usually lend itself to memorable acting turns, this well-chosen cast acquits itself nicely, particularly Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children), who manages to embody Rorschach with a Bogart-like noirish flavor. Haley’s Little Children co-star Patrick Wilson gives a quirky turn as Dan Dreiberg, who longs to relive his Nite Owl days but seems stuck in a life cycle that has him spiraling downward into mediocrity. Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Grey’s Anatomy) also does a convincingly chilling job as The Comedian, a man with very few morals and even less patience. Matthew Goode (Match Point), as the ego-driven Adrian, doesn’t make much of an impression. Neither does Malin Akerman (The Heartbreak Kid) as Laurie, who is pretty to look at but has some of the worst dialogue. As her mother, however, Carla Gugino succinctly portrays a woman who has seen better days. Billy Crudup has a few touching moments as Osterman but is mostly upstaged by his alter-ego Dr. Manhattan, whose ripped physique and superhero powers steal the show. A lot of guys will want to sign up for this kind of CGI makeover.

What’s good?: Director Zack Snyder has taken Alan Moore’s revered “un-filmable” graphic novel and given it a movie life that crackles onscreen. Snyder is the real star of this show, who first proved with 300 and now here that he is a cinematic visionary in a class by himself. Watchmen’s effects work is top-of-the-line dazzling.

What’s bad?: Snyder is almost too reverential to his source material. The movie is so loaded with plot and individual storylines that, at 160 minutes, it tends to put your senses on overload. A little less would have gone a long way but still Watchmen is like no comic book movie you have ever seen – and that’s a very good thing.

Favorite Scene: It has to be the opening sequence in which a fairly powerful intruder beats the whaley out of The Comedian and sends him flying through his high-rise apartment’s plate-glass window to his untimely demise on the New York pavement below. Gets the blood pumping right away.

Best line: After Rorschach has been arrested and thrown in jail, he is confronted by all the villains he has put behind bars, who all want a piece of him. But he tells them, “You think I’m locked up with you, but it’s you who are locked up with me!” Oh, if they only knew.

Bottom line: Hollywood.com rated this film 3 1/2 stars.