“I was blown away. I just thought, you know there is no way this girl shouldn’t be ranked with Shirley Temple or Judy Garland. I couldn’t believe it. It was like watching an evening with Barbra Streisand. She was 15 for the whole making of the movie. Was Barbra doing that at 15? I don’t think so.” – Peter Chelsom, director of Hannah Montana: The Movie, describes the force of nature that is Miley Cyrus. I have one question – who the fuck is Peter Chelsom?

Those of you who hang on my every word will recall my anecdote about being on a plane next to a strikingly handsome and allegedly straight guy with pristine construction boots and a questionable story about an ex-wife, a little dog, a current girlfriend and a job in the prison system. None of which added up at the time, and now I know why – because it was all a lie! I can’t tell you how I found out, but the guy was an air marshal who was trying to keep his identity on the down low. I should have figured out something was going on when I saw him de-plane with another strikingly hot guy...who I think was also a marshal. Well, cuff me, ’cause I’ve been a bad boy!

This week, we must acknowledge the passing of porn superstar Jack Wrangler. The legendary performer was one of the first gay porn icons. His reputation suffered after marrying the much older chanteuse Margaret Whiting. With the documentary Wrangler: Anatomy of an Icon, he not only rehabilitated his position in the history of porn, he also attracted legions of younger fans. The documentary just won Best Alternative Release at the GayVN Awards last week. I’m glad he lived long enough to see this achievement.

Much hoopla has been made about porn pup Tory Mason doing a scene where he gets fucked by all three of the Visconti Triplets. One of my colleagues reported on this event by asking, “How many people can say they’ve been fucked by triplets?” I can answer that - NONE. I’m sure I’m going to get in trouble for revealing this, but the truth of the matter is that La Mason was only fucked by ONE Visconti. The other two participated via trick photography and the like. This, of course, is nothing new in the porn industry where “stunt cocks” are de rigueur (or, at least, used to be prior to Viagra). Still, if you can’t trust me, who can you trust?

That’s not to say I’m infallible. I recently told you that the hot blue man in Watchmen was a CGI representation of actor Billy Crudup. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Crudup is hot, but not that hot. I must give credit where it is due – his uncredited body double was actor and fitness model Greg Plitt.

Sure, I’m occasionally wrong. But the essence is right. I just don’t get bogged down by little things like details or facts. For instance, when I saw Gale Harold after his accident and he told me that he’d soon be back on “Desperate Housewives,” everyone said I was crazy. But a couple of weeks later, he showed up – albeit via a disembodied voice on the telephone. And now, I say “HA!” He’s back. On the Sunday, May 3, episode, he’ll show up in the flesh – and I’m told it’s not just a one-shot deal. Don’t touch that dial.

And now, another installment of “Gay or British.” Well, we never called it that, but I think we can all agree that so many of our favorite Brit boys come off a bit fey...as in gay (not as in Dunaway). This week, we tackle Robert Pattinson – not literally. That poor little bit of a thing would probably snap like a twig. Apparently, he once auditioned for the role of a transsexual prostitute and figured he’d do something really clever – like show up at the casting director’s office in full drag. Of course, Bobby didn’t realize that’s what most actors would do, so he found himself in a waiting room with a gaggle of guys in bad drag. Needless to say, he didn’t get the part. Nor, sadly, do we have a picture of him in drag. Drat!

What we DO have is a photo of Prince Harry in drag! Apparently, Harry has joined some allegedly secret society with ties to Oxford University and the UK military. It’s known as TT (which usually refers to boy band Take That in the UK). As part of the “initiation,” he had to don a wig, bra, bracelet and lei. Maybe he was going to luau!

I have newfound respect for both Meryl Streep and Barbra Streisand. Both ladies were smart enough to pass when Baz Luhrmann asked them to take part in that travesty of a musical number at the Oscars. Apparently, Meryl was asked to sing a few bars during the Mamma Mia segment, but felt it would be “undignified.” Babs actually considered singing “Somewhere” near the end of the West Side Story section, but she dropped out at the last minute. Probably at the dress rehearsal when the term “train wreck” was being bandied about.

Babs is awfully busy. On Saturday, April 25, CBS will air a one-hour special about her 2006 concert tour, which will coincide with the DVD release of Barbra Streisand - The Concerts. The three-DVD set will include the Fort Lauderdale show from that tour.

Missing from Babs’ DVD is Rosie’s documentary of the tour. But O’Donnell is making news with another gal – Star Jones. The twosome teamed up to benefit the Figure Skating in Harlem Skating with the Stars Gala. The high bidder will get to go to lunch with both ladies ... TOGETHER! Strange bedfellows, to say the least. To prepare, the gals are having a private dinner this week. It’s a world gone mad! But I’d wanna be there.

Sexy friend of the family Jason Statham was snapped by the paps while enjoying the sun and surf of Malibu Beach.

On the flip side, Harry Connick Jr. was snapped last month in St. Barts looking...well, like a beached whale. I’m always fascinated by how certain guys who have to look good for a film can whip themselves together when they need to, but then can let themselves go so drastically on their down time. Of course, if someone were paying me thousands of bucks, I’d look fabulous, too! When I can admit a mistake, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Speaking of confessions, have I mentioned that I’m sneezing constantly because of allergies? Or that I am furious at the makers of Chlor-Trimeton 12mg for discontinuing the only product that has ever given me relief (of the nasal persuasion)? If you’ve got any expired meds, please send them my way.

Even though we didn’t have room for an “Ask Billy” question this week, I always find time to respond to your queries. Send ’em along to billy@billymasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Rosie and Star go ice skating! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.