What It’s About?: The Americanization of Anime. This long-awaited (and long-on-the-shelf) live-action rendition of the popular Japanese graphic novel series by Akira Toriyama is a spectacularly silly, laugh-out-loud abomination that begs, borrows and steals from a wide variety of sci-fi and fantasy predecessors in telling the “epic” (ha!) story of Goku (Justin Chatwin), a young warrior destined to do battle with the forces of evil in pursuit of seven mystical ‘Dragon Balls’ that entitle the bearer to absolute superiority over the universe. Or something like that. It really doesn’t matter, although all the talk about the power of the ‘Dragon Balls’ does yield some hearty laughs – for all the wrong reasons.

Who’s In It?: A lot of actors who probably wish they weren’t. Chief among them is Chow Yun-Fat, continuing his unlucky streak in American films. Wearing a perennial smile and a loud Hawaiian shirt, he acts as the de-facto mentor for our hero, dispensing words of wisdom (in some universe, undoubtedly) and occasionally executing some fancy martial-arts moves. Even for Chow’s most ardent admirers, it’s not enough. Emmy Rossum (who perhaps should have known better) and Jamie Chung provide some eye candy alongside Chatwin as fellow female warriors, while a green-skinned James Marsters growls and snarls as the film’s resident villain, the megalomaniacal Piccolo (now there’s a name that’s sure to make audiences shudder). Ernie Hudson’s in it, too – and even manages to hold onto his dignity. This is not a film that many, if any, of the participants are going to be touting on their resumes anytime soon – if at all.

What’s Good?: Extremely little. To its (dis)credit, Dragonball Evolution does murder time. You’ll never get those 90 minutes back again. If it comes down to seeing this or seeing your dentist, keep the latter appointment.

What’s Bad?: Where to begin? The script … the acting … the direction … the editing. Several scenes have been cut with such frenzied abandon that it’s nearly impossible to ascertain precisely what’s going on. Fans of the original Dragonball series may have a head start – and this rendition may well disappoint or infuriate them – but neophytes and newcomers will have a hard time determining precisely what’s going on. Not that it matters much. Even by the campiest of comic-books standards, this is a shoddy effort. The brief running time (under 90 minutes) is a dead giveaway that the studio’s shears were put to work, and the timing of its release by Fox indicates that the studio was perhaps trying to make some quick pre-summer coin in advance of Wolverine, especially given Chatwin’s Wolv-like coif.

Lines To Remember:

“The first rule is: There are no rules.”

“Somebody stole my Prometheum Orb.”

“Prepare to eat dirt.”

“Teach me how to be normal.”

“The Dragon Balls are in my grasp!”

Lines To Forget:

See above.

It’s Never A Good Idea To ...

Make a movie with “ball” or “balls” in the title – especially if it’s a bad movie.

Critic’s Tip: If you absolutely have to see this movie, see it with friends. And, please, make one of them the designated driver.

Bottom Line: Hollywood.com rated this film ? star.

What It’s About?: Ronnie Barnhardt is a kickass shopping-mall head-security guard with severe delusions of power. He meets his match when a cynical police detective is called in to take care of business after Ronnie and his crew fail to stop a parking lot flasher and can’t foil a jewelry-store robbery. Determined to prove his worth in the trade and in his personal life, Ronnie applies for a job as a cop, pursues a cosmetics salesgirl and tries to solve some crimes using his own unorthodox methods.

Who’s In It?: Tailor-made for the considerable comic talents of Seth Rogen, Barnhardt is a funny Travis Bickel, a guy with severe self-worth issues who carries on a dialogue with himself in his head. Unlike Paul Blart, this is a mall cop out to maul first and ask questions later. Rogen fits the bill and singlehandedly makes it all worth seeing. Anna Faris as his prospective girlfriend is given lots of opportunities to overact – and takes all of them. Still, she’s quite funny in a drunken dinner scene that ends with her passed out in the bedroom under Rogen’s huge girth. Ray Liotta pretty much walks through his role as the pro detective who thinks Barnhardt is a total joke. Michael Pena is strong as another security guard while twins John and Matt Yuan, and Jesse Plemons are hilarious as their dim-witted mall cop colleagues. Although he only has a couple of scenes, Aziz Ansari steals them both as a smart-aleck hanger-on. Celia Weston and Rogen, as mother and son, have some wonderfully droll moments together, but it’s first-time actor Randy Gambill as the flasher who gets the real comic workout and exposes himself as one to watch (hopefully with his clothes back on next time).

What’s Good?: A cynical, acerbic attitude rules the day here, and the idea of putting a real wacko in the mall-cop position has more bite than the PG-13 Blart, a movie that was blessed with the likable presence of Kevin James but suffered major credibility lapses.

What’s Bad?: Writer/director Jody Hill had a great idea but too often goes for the easy joke or gross-out gag when he should have drifted straight into hell with this character and really let Rogen loose. It’s hilarious in parts, but the overall tone is wildly uneven and not totally satisfying.

Favorite Scene: The final confrontation between Rogen and the flasher has to be seen to be believed and on its own more than enough to merit the film’s well-deserved restricted rating.

Should There Be A Sequel?: Yes, and it should pair Blart vs. Barnhardt in a food-court showdown. It could be the best thing since Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

Bottom Line: Hollywood.com rated this film 3 stars.