“So there are the vermin now celebrating twisted perverse marriage in the middle of America, calling it a victory. It’s a victory for perversion in my opinion. ... You want me to tell you what makes me sick? When I see two puffy white males kissing each other, I wanna puke. When I see two women kissing each other, on the lips, as lovers, I wanna vomit. Why? It’s unnatural. It’s against all of the laws of mankind. It is against all the laws of humankind. It is suicide for a society to embrace such behavior.”

“False. False. False. I do not love sex with men. My site is not anti-gay. I present both sides of the anti-choice-life issue. I am not anti-tolerant! Except against big-government freaks. I liked Chaka in the ’80s, and have not watched ‘Young and the Restless’ in 20 years! But I do watch ‘Judge Judy’!”

“Whenever I get a wedding invitation, I start to spew chunks all over the fine furnishings of my luxury co-op. What the invite signals is the realization that I’ll be flushing away an entire day spent awkwardly standing around in a borrowed suit and gnawing at generic catered crabcakes and cannoli, all while having to cheer on two people I like who will surely be at each other’s throats in six months. ... Why does your decision to tie the knot have to result in me eating sour fish tacos, engaging in small talk with people who think I’m caca, and spending hard-earned cash on a present you’ll surely throw out the second the room clears?”