“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.” – Shia LaBeouf explains his perfect woman. It didn’t sound quite as sick until I saw a picture of them!

Last week, a routine trip from Fort Lauderdale to Los Angeles took more than 15 hours and included paramedics, tornado-strength winds, and cities not even on my itinerary. I know I’m going to get no sympathy from any of you, but I must give props to my puppy Li Li who stayed in her travel bag and didn’t make a peep the entire flight. She was certainly better behaved than moi.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in a good mood when I finally got back to L.A. But you know what perked me up? Reading this headline: “Victoria Principal Pulls Gun On Maid.” Well, it was a matter of time. That Vicki is a little nuts, you know. The “Dallas” star was irate after Maribel Banegas took too long walking Vicki’s dog – a little Shih Tzu named “Mei Ling” (yeah, someone’s not a racist pig). According to court papers, the maid asked Vicki for her pay after being sacked. Principal went upstairs, and returned brandishing a gun! She pointed it at the maid in question, threatened to kill her, and at the same time told another housekeeper to get out of the way so she wouldn’t get hurt. That Vicki, she’s a people person! In her defense, Principal has filed her own lawsuit, in which she admits that she was indeed packing heat after said maid threatened her and injured the dog.

By the way, one reporter covering this story writes that Principal is “currently putting acting aside to train as a civilian astronaut on Richard Branson’s commercial space-flight venture, Virgin Galactic.” Which begs the question – can you put aside non-existent work?

Vicki might not be working, but I sure am. For what feels like the hundredth year in a row (in a good way), I will be hosting L.A. Pride – along with Ben Patrick Johnson, Marcellas Reynolds, and the incomparable Momma. This year’s festivities (June 13-14) will include performances by Sabrina Johnston, Debby Holiday, Deborah Cox, Fantasia Barrino, Syesha Mercado, Exposé, Blake Lewis, and Berlin. Quite a starry line-up, indeed. You can get more information at www.lapride.org.

Come to think of it, we’d have no show without “American Idol.” Eh, that’s nothing special – they could say the same thing over at “Celebrity Rehab”! But one of the people you won’t see there is “Exposé” star, Gioia Bruno. The singer was asked to join the VH1 show next season, but passed. It wasn’t that she wasn’t willing to get sober. She felt $60K wasn’t enough money! “I deserve better than that,” she allegedly told a friend.

Speaking of “American Idol,” some of the contestants got to meet one of their idols – “The Young and the Restless” star Tracey Bregman. Despite both shows filming at CBS’ Television City, “AI” keeps the talent on a short leash to dissuade the riff-raff. However, last week, Adam, Kris and Allison ran into Bregman in the hallway and couldn’t wait to take pics with the soapy gal. Of course, the pics fell into our hands and give us a rare glimpse of one of them not wearing any make-up. Yes, I mean Adam!

Regarding some “Idol” speculation, I am pleased to announce that all four judges will be back next season. Kara, who only had a one-year contract, has been given the green light for a second year. And Paula, whose contract runs out at the end of this season, is ironing out the specifics for next year. In Abdul’s case, she was offered a multi-year deal, but chose to only commit to one more season. Why? That’s when Simon’s contract is up, too.

Incidentally, Simon Cowell recently spoke to TV Guide about the American public’s seeming indifference regarding Adam’s sexuality. “I think people only get bothered really when they know somebody’s hiding something.” Yes, Hernandez, he’s talking about you.

This week, we add two more famous names to the list of people who have come out. First is “M*A*S*H” star, David Ogden Stiers. “I am gay. Very proud to be so.” Why is he coming out now? “I could claim noble reasons as coming out in order to move gay rights forward, but I must admit it is for far more selfish reasons.” He’s looking for a mate!

Joining him is a member of the Osmond family. Marie’s adopted daughter, Jessica. Countering claims that sex has caused a rift between mother and daughter, Mama Marie gave an interview in which she makes it clear that she supports her daughter without conditions. She admits to having some conflicts regarding the religious aspect of same-sex marriage: “When it comes to marriage, I think that civil rights need to be for all. One of the things that we need to be careful is that we don’t create hate, because people believe certain things. And we can’t make everyone become homogenized. Everybody has a right to believe what they believe. I do think everybody has a right to have civil rights. That’s how I feel.”

I was thinking of that statistic – one in ten people are gay. Given all those Osmonds, Jessica probably has some company.

We have a few photos to share with you this week. First up is Chris Pine, who stars as the younger “Captain Kirk” in the Star Trek flick. Chrissy was on his way back to his L.A. abode when he decided he was a little hot from his 5 mile hike. What to do, what to do? Doff his top – ala that famous Jared Leto pic. Not as impressive a physique, but certainly nothing to sneeze at (unless you have the swine flu).

A notable playwright sent me a pic purported to be a nude of an actor in the Wolverine flick (not Hugh or Ryan - sorry). While I can’t disclose who the scribe is (due to a confidentiality agreement), I can tell you that Liev Schrieber appears to be floating on an inflatable raft, with his penis flopped to the right. It’s a hot pic, but I couldn’t help wondering if lube comes with SPF? Head to BillyMasters.com to find out how much lotion he’d need.

One pic we definitely identify as Liev is him in drag on the set of “Taking Woodstock.” In it, he plays “Vilma,” a drag queen/body guard at the famed music festival. Personally, I think he looks better out of his dress than in it.

Liev’s half-brother, sexy Pablo Schreiber, is sizzling on stage in the Broadway revival of Desire Under The Elms. Most of his performance is given shirtless, and a portion is even pantless.

When I don’t have time for a question or a blind item, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. You know what’s funny? I always thought Pablo Schreiber looked like such a dork – until he took his shirt off. Maybe he’s changed? Or maybe I’m just a shallow whore. But even though I didn’t have room for a question, I always respond to my e-mails. Feel free to write to billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before L.A. Pride books Dr. Drew! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.