“Listen, I like a good ass fuck as much as the next guy. ... That makes me gay? C’mon. It’s the 21st century. ... Despite what Family Guy would lead you to believe, I’m not gay.”

“I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on OxyContin he missed his flight. ... Rush Limbaugh. ‘I hope the country fails.’ I hope his kidneys fail. How ’bout that? He needs a good waterboarding, that’s what he needs.”

“Only in America would the notion of a nearly naked fundamentalist Christian beauty queen tossing her processed hair and parading brand new pageant-bought plastic breasts across a Las Vegas stage in front of millions of television viewers with all the modesty of a blue ribbon heifer at a county livestock fair (the same fundamentalist Christian beauty queen who would later tell a television reporter that she heard God whispering in her ear as she answered a celebrity-worshipping Internet gossip columnist’s question about gay marriage) be treated as anything other than an occasion for high comedy and mirth.”

“At its core, (this bill) simply changes the term ‘civil union’ to ‘civil marriage.’ Given the cultural, historical and religious significance of the word marriage, this is a meaningful change. I have heard, and I understand, the very real feelings of same-sex couples that a separate system is not an equal system. That a civil law that differentiates between their committed relationships and those of heterosexual couples undermines both their dignity and the legitimacy of their families.”