“I like the top.” – Adam Lambert tells US Magazine his preference – when it comes to which bunk on the tour bus he’d prefer. After hearing how it came out, he said, “That’s inappropriate” and burst into giggles … yes, giggles!

Clay Aiken has shown his colors as a bitchy queen. It started when he shared his views on the “American Idol” outcome on his Web site – and put it in the “Unlimited Membership” section which people pay for (I’m the last person to criticize him for that!). His piece was called “Silence Broken,” the gist of which was that he didn’t like Adam Lambert based on his version of “Ring of Fire.” After saying he thought his “ears would bleed,” he called it “contrived, awful, and slightly frightening.”

You’d think Clay would realize there’d be a backlash. Everyone reprinted the diatribe. Within 24 hours, he responded with an even longer missive, making it clear that he was only stating his opinion based on a single hearing of La Lambert. “I hope no one actually believed that blood truly poured forth from my ears when I hear him. I obviously meant it as a colorful statement to imply that I did not enjoy what I heard.” I’m curious what this says about Clay’s fans. Surely no one who frequents my Web site would take such prose literally.

But what prompted him to write this in the first place? Could it be Clay’s frustration at being shut out by the “Idol” producers and management since he declared his independence from them? Was he mad that Adam didn’t respond to his pleas for a collaboration? If he was so hell-bent on meeting Adam a few weeks ago (a story broken in this column and picked up everywhere else), why is he now publicly bashing him? Why indeed.

When asked about Clay-Gate, Adam took a second out of his life to say this: “I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though, because he wasn’t before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him.”

Maybe Adam can sing at the upcoming gay nuptials of a certain fella named Farrell. Oh, you’ve got the right family. But the wrong boy. Colin Farrell’s gay brother, Eamon, will be getting married to his partner Steven Mannion this summer. Alas, they can’t marry in Ireland where same-sex marriages are not legal (although civil unions are fine). I hear they’d like to make it a wedding/family holiday, and are leaning towards Spain.

Another familiar name married his longtime boyfriend. The last name is Gere but, like the above item, don’t get too excited. This is about Richard’s younger brother, David. “My brother is gay and he got married in that brief period when same-sex marriage was allowed in California. They have two great kids and he’s a wonderful father.”

Obviously the California Supreme Court nixed the idea of invalidating the passage of Proposition 8, which was probably the only way it could rule. You can’t give people a vote and then take it back – regardless of how wrong it was in the first place (those arguments are best presented before). Since I’m on the East Coast, I couldn’t participate in the demonstrations. But what was TR Knight’s excuse? Instead of joining people at the rallies, he opted to have a quiet romantic dinner at Katsuya in Hollywood with his boytoy Mark Cornelson. Perhaps he was celebrating his freedom from “Grey’s Anatomy” – yes, he’ll be gone next season. I guess he’ll be able to help during the next election when he’s unemployed and, possibly, single.

We’ve got a pair of unlikely theatre stories that warrant attention. Well, three stories if you count Adam Lambert getting a standing ovation when he sat down in the audience of Hair. But that’s not a story – it’s a quip (with photos of Adam and the cast posted on BillyMasters.com). First up is a big screen remake of “Guys and Dolls” being helmed by Guy Ritchie for his boyfriend Jason Statham. If that doesn’t work out, the pair will try to develop an original movie musical. Awfully gay projects for someone Chris Ciccone alleged is homophobic, n’est-ce pas?

Does the image of Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig together do anything for you? If so, brace yourselves – the pair is signed to hit Broadway this fall in the play “A Steady Rain,” which is about two Chicago police officers who get naked and shower together. OK, perhaps that last part is just wishful thinking, but I’d still go!

If you believe all the hoopla, actor Chris Engen quit “The Young and the Restless” because he was supposed to kiss co-star Yani Gellman. I did some digging and discovered that’s not the full story. Neither Chris nor the producers felt it was a good match of actor and role. The brass reportedly considered his performance “uneven,” while he “was unhappy with the direction of the character.” We’ve heard from Engen directly that he’s most definitely NOT homophobic because, “many of my dearest friends are homosexuals” – a phrase we never get tired of! Chrissy claims he only called in sick once during his 16 months on the show, and only had one meeting with the brass. Ultimately he felt that “as an actor, and as a human being, I deserve better than to be forced to do something I don’t feel is right on many levels.” Of course, he doesn’t say exactly what those wrong things were. Whatever they were, they were wrong for him and he did indeed quit. In case anyone’s wondering, he’s a single dad with sole custody of his 10-year-old son.

By the way, his role was recast with Michael Muhney, formerly on “Veronica Mars.”

Because I know you guys live for shirtless celebs, we’ll start with Dane Cook, all naked, wet, dripping and ripped up. He’s looking a little like rough trade – and certainly in better shape than that infamous nude photo of him lounging with an empty bag of chips on his private parts. You’ll be able to see both on BillyMasters.com.

Just recently, I referred to those photos of Jared Leto taking a shirtless stroll in his neighborhood and looking like the most perfect specimen of male beauty ever (well, maybe I didn’t go that far). Now we got some new pics. He’s looking less buff, his physique is more slight, but he’s still impressive. Long hair, scruffy face, loose sweats, and just a hint of a bulge here and there.

For those of you who want your skin in person, David Drake’s acclaimed production of “2 Boys in a Bed” starring Spencer Quest and Scott Cunningham will return to Provincetown’s Art House Theatre in June (and maybe thereafter). If you’re traveling to the tip of the Cape, go to www.PTownArtHouse.com for specific dates.

Our “Ask Billy” question is also about a shirtless guy. Rod in Phoenix writes: “I heard that Robert Pattinson buffed up for the next Twilight movie. Any truth to that?”

Yes and no. We’ve obtained some hi-res shirtless pics from the set which show a seriously toned Pattinson. But something didn’t look quite right. We passed them along to our tech squad case and discovered that most of those muscles are actually painted on! Yes, his body has been contoured! Why didn’t I think of that? I’m sure part of the reason it looks so realistic is that he’s eaten a meal or two since the last film, but I’d chalk this one up to an award-winning makeup team. You can see every inch of him on my site.

When body makeup is the new lipo, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. So feel free to drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Adam bitchslaps Clay (or vice-versa)! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.