“Democracy, rules of law, freedom of speech, freedom of religion - those are not simply principles of the West to be hoisted on these countries.”

- President Obama, as quoted by the BBC.

Now we’re hoisting things? Are we on a ship? I forgot how much fun we had with George W!

What do Gilles Marini, Adam Lambert and Susan Boyle have in common? All were the early favorites on their respective talent shows, and all came in second – proving that it’s better to peak late lest you harvest public apathy. But is anyone really surprised that Susan cracked under the pressure? I easily could see a visit to the nut house in her not-so-distant future (and, possibly, past). Interestingly enough, this week a contestant on Bulgarian “Survivor” died of a heart attack while filming a challenge. Is this what we’ve come to? Watching people fall apart (and/or die) while doing something that entertains us? Having people with questionable mental acuity perform for our pleasure? Are we the court and they the jesters? Why not just put a webcam on Susan in the loony bin and watch her 24/7? If she snaps again and injures herself, let’s just pray it’s during sweeps.

Kris Allen may have won “American Idol,” but you know what he’d rather have? Chest hair! “I do have a little bit. But it’s really patchy and nasty looking. So I want man chest hair.” Because I know you all want to see, we’ve dug and dug and unearthed a shirtless photo of Kris and, he’s right – pretty sparse in the hair department. But hot everywhere else.

While you’re there, check out the pics of Adam Lambert and his boyfriend’s night on the town. After all the “Idol” frenzy, Adam went back to what he’d normally be doing, which is shopping and playing with his boyfriend, interior designer Drake LaBry. “You saw Drake many times when they showed “Adam’s Friends” after Lambert’s performances on “Idol.” Now they’ve been caught shopping (Adam bought Drake a $358 Marc Jacobs’ blazer) and partying at Guys & Dolls in Hollywood.

You know I couldn’t care less about “Twilight” or any of those untalented actors. But I think I’ve made a discovery about vampires – they don’t wear underwear! At least not the male vampires. We were sent some stills of the nicely pumped-up, shirtless Taylor Lautner. The next day, in came some pics of him at the gym with a very visible cylindrical object traveling down his left leg. And I mean WAY down his left leg!!

Don’t think I’m ignoring Kellan Lutz – the hotter one, if you ask me. He claims that Pattinson and Lautner have been working out together, which is why Robert looks so much more buff (Lutz completely dismisses the makeup story, but I stand by it). Be that as it may, Kellan took time out of his day to walk his dog while wearing shorts and no shirt. To throw the paparazzi off, he put on a hat. Yeah, that really worked, Kell! So we’ve got hot pics of his body, which is all I cared about. In his case, a meaty bulge to the left.

If we follow this rationale, Ryan Seacrest might be a member of the undead. A snap of him stepping out with his latest lady friend (which is all I’m sure it is) shows him sporting a slightly smaller bulge – in his case, hanging to the right. Maybe the valet was a guy!

So, who buys all that underwear? Zac Efron, who just filmed a scene for the upcoming season of “Entourage.” He was working outside Niketown in Beverly Hills (a stone’s throw away from Billy Masters International) with that walking petri dish, Jeremy Piven. I wouldn’t normally care, except Zac does expose his white Calvin Klein undies. In fact, from the look at them, he may have on the style I wear – the hip brief. ’Cause, you know, I’m hip and he’s brief.

When Joan Rivers moved back to NYC two decades ago, she spied a gorgeous forgotten space and decided to turn it into her ultimate penthouse. But after years of hard work in the Big Apple, Auntie Joan has decided to get rid of it. She’s spending more time out West with her daughter and grandson and can happily stay in hotels when she’s in the city. With much regret, she put her beloved pied-à-terre on the market. How much money will it take for Joanie to part with it? Only $25 million! For that much money, she should throw in Missy!

Would ya like to live the life of a teen heartthrob? You can – for $4,900 a month. A small price to pay when you consider you’re getting Jessie McCartney’s Hollywood Hills home. The place has two bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a cottage and other spiffy amenities. He’s also listed it for sale at $1.2 million. A bargain next to Casa Rivers!

Congratulations go out to Hillary who decided that all GLBT employees of the Department of State will enjoy the same benefits as the heteros. Just a hint at what a Clinton administration might have been like.

Ironically, Dick Cheney came forward this week supporting same-sex marriage. Having a lesbian daughter will do that! His exact words were: “Freedom means freedom for everybody. I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they want with any kind of arrangement they want.” OK, so he didn’t say marriage, but still.

These columns sometimes have a way of developing themes. This week’s “Ask Billy” query comes from Will in Las Vegas: “I keep seeing Russell Brand here in town, and he’s really hot in a kinda dirty/nasty way. Has he ever shown his dick in a film? He looks like the type that wouldn’t be shy.”

And he’s not. That’s the Brits for you - they get their naughty bits right out there. At one point in “RE:Brand” (a U.K. reality show he did back in 2002), he takes in a homeless guy and gives him a bath. He gets in the tub with the guy, during which Brand quite matter-of-factly lets his own genitals dangle about (short and stubby are the words that spring to mind).

There’s also a scene where he jerks off a gay guy in a men’s room. But we’ll save that for another time.

When I have more penii than you can shake a stick at, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column. On my flight back to LA, I found myself hob-nobbing with Justin Guarini. And soon I’ll be with more “Idol” alums, because I’ll be hosting the mainstage of LA Pride over the weekend of June 13 and June 14. All sorts of fabulous performers will join us, including Fantasia, Deborah Cox, Blake Lewis, Exposé, Debby Holiday, Berlin. Definitely check us out if you’re in the neighborhood. If you’re not, I’m only a click of a mouse away. For all your personal needs, drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Brand foists his genitals on anyone else (if only he needed to hoist ’em!). So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.