I often see clients who find that their balance is off – the balance between excitement and safety, unpredictability and predictability, between being “good” or being “bad.”

Freud called this condition a conflict between the id and the superego. The id is the instinctual, primitive part of us that wants to eat when we want to, sleep when we want to, fuck when we want to and never have to compromise or wait for anything. The id wants it now, dammit! The superego, on the other hand, is the voice of caution, worry and concern about future problems or dangers. It’s the voice that says, “Oh, you better not do that; you’ll be sorry tomorrow.” The superego wants to protect us and keep us safe.

It’s important to find balance between the id and superego, and, luckily, Freud was too smart to leave the id and the superego to battle it out alone. He created the concept of the ego – the mitigating force between them. When we go too far in either direction, our ego warns us: “Baby, your balance is off. You gotta do something to get it back.” Buddhists call this happy medium the “middle path” – a state of being that allows you healthy helpings from both the “good” and “bad” smorgasbords of life.

When clients tell me, “I’m so worn out from my life,” it may be because they’re bouncing back and forth between extremes; they haven’t yet found their middle path. For example: Mr. A tries so hard to do the right thing, to eat right, go to the gym religiously, volunteer for a worthy cause, be kind to other people, work overtime whenever the company needs it…you get the picture. However, Mr. A hardly ever lets himself go. His superego is so strong that he is locked into perpetual “good” boy mode. If he keeps it up, eventually he’s likely to have a strong reaction in the opposite direction. He’s likely to get so fed up with being good that he’s likely to drink too much, score some crystal meth and let some guy (or two or three) fuck him silly without a condom. Then he’ll come into my office and ask me, “How did I let that happen? I know better than to do that.” And he’ll be full of grief, sorrow and self-loathing. He ignored his inner “bad” boy for so long that it came out with a vengeance!

Then we have Mr. Z, the perpetual “bad” boy. He hates to wait for anything. He almost always finds a way (through money, good looks, charm, personality) to get whatever he wants. You know him! He’s the guy who’s done it all, had it all and is bored to death. The idea of doing something purely generous and kind for someone else rarely enters his impatient little head. He’s living the id-driven life, and it’s not making him happy. He’s often disgusted with himself and with his friends/lovers for letting him get away with so much. But he’ll come in for therapy and tell me, “I don’t know why I feel so depressed; I have everything I could want.” His inner “good” boy is pissed as hell; he wants to see some kindness and compassion for others.

The middle path is a path of balance. You get to be both “good” and “bad,” sometimes even at once. You get to be outrageously sexy, goofy, loud and blunt and then pull back and be considerate, thoughtful, polite and kind. You get to have wild, uninhibited (safe) sex with some handsome hunk you met at Montage or Hunters and then go to church the next morning. You get to buy super-expensive, sexy underwear and wear it to work beneath your conservative business suit, smiling to yourself because someone hot is going to get to slowly take it off you that night. You let yourself have that tattoo or piercing or bleach job you’ve been wanting, but you also pay your bills on time and call your grandmother in Ohio on her birthday.

It’s good to shake things up and kick yourself in the ass when you get too good and life gets predictable. On the other hand, when you get too out of control and selfish you may need to pull back, be quiet and have a good, honest talk with yourself. So whoever you are at this moment, why not embrace both aspects of yourself? Your life will open up; you’ll find your own middle path, and you can have a helluva lot of fun with few regrets.