A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities is the subtitle to the eye-opening and paradigm-bending book, The Ethical Slut, by D. Easton and C. Liszt.

The book casts light on a topic many of my coupled clients, colleagues and friends are examining and finding unsatisfactory: monogamous relationships.

While sexual and emotional monogamy versus polyamory or “open” relationships is a controversial issue, the GLBT community’s experience with both affords us a great opportunity to compare traditional heterosexual models of fidelity with alternatives and to find out what works for each of us individually.

The possibilities, while perhaps not infinite, are at least varied.

As the high divorce rate among straight couples shows, longterm monogamy is hardly a successful model for the GLBT community to emulate. Typical questions that arise include:

• Is it realistic to only have sex with one person for the rest of your life?

• What about incompatible sexual desires? For example, you’re both tops; one of you likes anal sex and the other doesn’t; you like wild sex and he likes it tender and gentle

• What about incompatible libidos? you want to do it once a day minimum, but your partner’s happy with once a month maximum?

Yet when seeking alternatives to longterm monogamy, it’s prudent not to idealize open relationships either. After all, how many open relationships are happy and healthy? Isn’t it more difficult to have a good open relationship than a “closed” one? After all, in a closed relationship you have only one other person to work out your intimate difficulties and disagreements with. If you open up your relationship, you have to learn to get along with however many additional people you bring into it.

So although “infinite sexual possibilities” sounds great, how do you pull it off with grace and sanity?

Let’s say you and your partner want to remain emotionally faithful but want to sexually open up your relationship. This is likely to bring major changes to all its aspects. So it’s important that you both sit down and figure out what you each mean by “emotionally faithful” and how sexually opening up your relationship is likely to change it. Ask yourselves:

• What is your intention for your relationship? Why are you still together? Is it to have fun, share great sex, deepen an emotional connection, see if you can be life partners?

• What would be the purpose of either an open relationship or of monogamy? What are the pros and cons of each?

• What role does sex play in your relationship? Do you see yourself as a monogamous person or not?

• What does “emotional monogamy” mean to you and your partner? If this is important to you, how can you remain emotionally committed to each other while having sex with other people?

I’ve seen many longterm emotionally monogamous relationships that are sexually “open” or periodically go through “open” periods to refresh sex that has become predictable. Depending on the value that the partners place on sex, this may or may not be a problem. Some people like consistency (e.g., I know what you like and you know what turns me on), while others thrive on change and creativity. You needn’t give up monogamy to be spontaneous and creative; but an occasional open sexual relationship can be stimulating and invigorating.

There are, however, many challenges to making open relationships work:

• Feelings of jealousy and insecurity

• Possibly falling in love (or lust) with someone else

• Feeling scared and disoriented as the formerly predictable structure of your relationship changes

• Confusion about how to structure the brave new world you’re jumping into

• Your relationship may not be solid to begin with, and opening it up could make it worse

• Less sexual intimacy may lead to less emotional intimacy, so you end up feeling more like housemates than lovers

Monogamy or open relationship? It’s a question with no right answer, save the one that every couple arrives at individually. If you and your partner are considering opening up your relationship, discuss it and consider these questions before making your decision. And relax. Nothing is irreversible. You can always change your minds!