“To me, it’s funny at this point. Whatever. It’s fine. It was very cold in the studio, by the way!” - Josh Duhamel addresses the full-frontal nude photos he did for Greg Gorman, which have recently resurfaced. Something tells me the size of his manhood is not of much interest to Fergie.

I just arrived at my hotel room in what must continue to be referred to as an undisclosed Eastern European country – my presence could throw the G8 into disarray. As I was settling in, I heard a timid knock on my door. I opened it to reveal a boy straight out of the Bel Ami catalogue. “I am Luca,” he said (and I don’t believe he lives on the second floor or ever met Suzanne Vega). “You are Billy Masters?” he asks. Yes. He gives me a sheepish grin and says, “I am here for you,” and walks on in. Take it from me, kids – sometimes it happens just like in the movies.

Speaking of close encounters of the questionable kind, Joan Rivers is about to willingly open herself up to questionable insults and bad humor. She’ll be the honoree of this summer’s Comedy Central roast, following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Bob Saget, Pamela Anderson, and Flava Flav. The event will be hosted by Kathy Griffin, who has no plans to take it easy on her good friend. “I will be roasting Joan with more gentleness and tenderness than her latest chemical peel and, on the other hand, I will give her a verbal pap smear. God only knows what I’m going to find down there.” Perhaps this should be airing on the Discovery Channel (or the History Channel!). The gala event will take place in Los Angeles on Saturday, July 26, and will air on Sunday, Aug. 9.

With gigs like this, it’s becoming increasingly apparent that Griffin is no longer a D-Lister. You know what’s another sign? Being immortalized in wax at Madame Tussaud’s... albeit the Vegas branch. Kath was at the unveiling and posed with her likeness. Afterwards, she asked, “Can you tell which is which? Me either.”

With Lifetime and Bravo catering their fare to the gay audience, it’s no wonder the actual gay television networks are in trouble. Brian Graden, the head of Logo and various other Viacom/MTV divisions, is said to be stepping down any day now. Rumor has it the decision is not altogether his own to make...which does not bode well for Logo.

I’m also worried about here!TV. The network’s parent company, Regent Entertainment, owns the Regent Showcase Theater in Los Angeles, where many premieres and special events take place. I learned that the cinema recently shut down and is up for sale. Interestingly enough, on Regent’s corporate Web site, it still says this: “Regent owns the successful Regent Showcase Theater at LaBrea and Melrose in the heart of Hollywood.” Hmm.

Homophobia continues to be alive and well in daytime television. First we had those (semi-erroneous) reports of an actor quitting “The Young and the Restless” when his character came out of the closet. Now comes some distressing news regarding the upcoming gay storyline on “One Life to Live.” As I reported previously, Scott Evans (brother of Chris) and Brett Claywell would be involved in a gay romantic triangle. Fine. However, actress Patricia Mauceri (who plays Claywell’s mother) allegedly protested the fact that “Carlotta” (the Latina matriarch) is supportive of homosexuality. The brass felt having this character not be stereotypical was what made her interesting. Mauceri disagreed and was promptly replaced by Saundra Santiago, who was so good on “Guiding Light” and “The Sopranos.”

Gay characters seem to be turning up more and more on primetime. Hayden Panettiere’s character on “Heroes” will show a side to her personality which might take some people by surprise. In an upcoming episode, she will kiss her college roommate – and not just some little kiss, but a full-on romantic kiss. Rumor has it that this could be the start of more gal-gal action.

Speaking of rumors, Rumer Willis will be playing a lesbian on “90210.” Her character, “Gia,” will work on the school newspaper in a single episode. “90210” regular Annalynne McCord is actively campaigning for her character to have a tryst with “Gia.” “That is what I foresee. ‘Naomi’ gets drunk, and she gets a little crazy. She wants to experiment. A little lip action with Rumer can’t hurt anyone, right?” Speak for yourself, Annalynne.

A story I haven’t followed was the kiddie porn scandal of Jackie Onassis’ stepbrother, Jamie Auchincloss. Apparently the police raided his home in October 2008 and seized his computer (which he shared with a “friend”). The hard drive allegedly contains thousands of photos of young boys in various stages of undress – to say nothing of sexual positions. Among them were some snaps of Ron Howard, Ricky Schroeder, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and those brats from “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.” Far more interesting to me is this scandal has revealed that Jackie forbade James from any contact with her kids after (and I quote): “he showed an unusual obsession” with the then seven-year-old John Kennedy Jr. and repeatedly asked the boy to pose for pictures.

This leads directly into a story about another questionable family relation named Jamie – Jamie Haven. The brother of Angelina Jolie is considering running for public office. He recently attended the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner as a guest of Fox News. When asked his occupation, Jamie called himself a “philanthropist,” which is a step up from his previous work as an occasional actor. He said he’s considering running for some public position in either Nevada or California as an Independent. Could you be more vague?

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Mike in Milwaukee: “Hi Billy! Who is that African-American actor who went shirtless in the second season’s episode two of HBO’s ‘True Blood’? He has the hottest six (or even eight) pack I’ve ever seen. Damn, he’s hot!”

That would be sexy Mehcad Brooks, who you might have seen on “Dollhouse,” “The Game,” or “Ghost Whisperer.” His juiciest role prior to “True Blood” was his season on “Desperate Housewives” as “Matthew Applewhite” (he had a little “Jungle Fever” tryst with the daughter of “Bree”). In his personal life, his hobby is collecting vintage issues of Playboy, which I know comes as somewhat of a disappointment to my readers. That said, he’s a tall drink of chocolate milk, measuring in at 6 feet 3 inches – no surprise he had a former career as a model. I have to agree that he’s ripped up his body for this “True Blood” role, and allegedly he’ll be showing even more in the future.

Speaking of buff bods, you know who doesn’t have one? Robert Pattinson. And who told you? Moi. And did you believe me? No. But now we can prove it. He recently did a photo shoot for Us magazine sporting an open shirt and revealing not a drop of definition – which confirms my report that his abs were painted on for the upcoming Twilight sequel. Photos don’t lie.

When there’s a Bel Ami boy waiting for me, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. By the time this hits the streets, I’ll be Stateside – but probably with a bit of jet lag (hopefully that’s the worst thing I’ll catch). If you’ve got a question, feel free to write me at billy@billymasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before there’s another rumor about Rumer! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.