The longer I practice psychotherapy, the more I hear phrases like, “Only young guys turn me on,” “men my age aren’t attractive to me” or “being with someone older and more successful than I am terrifies me.” These phrases typically fall from the lips of mid-life gay men; I rarely hear them from guys in their 20s or 30s.

Is this how we handle getting older? Are we doomed to obssessing over each new wrinkle and to chasing ever younger men?

Remember Peter Pan? His theme song was, “I won’t grow up.” Sound familiar? While this may be charming in an animated Disney character, it’s pretty sad in a gay man. So many mid-life gay men lament: “I can’t find anyone to date who’s relationship material.” Is it such a big surprise that someone 20 years younger than you isn’t as mature as you are? Unless you relish the role of perpetual daddy/mentor/teacher, you need a partner who’s an equal – someone who has comparable life experience. This is unlikely to be someone 20 years younger.

Some mid-life gay or bisexual men say that men their age “do nothing for me.” This is a form of self-hatred. Why reject potential partners who are our age? Must we hate growing older? Aging is inevitable; we can fight it (like Joan Rivers or Phyllis Diller) or we can accept it like Robert Redford and other elders who were once amazingly beautiful and still are, albeit in a 60- to-80-year-old way.

Peter Pan wanted to stay eternally youthful, and many of us want to look like a kid while we age. What an uphill struggle that is. Do you really want to experience all the anxiety and fear that comes with continually fighting the aging process? I’m not recommending that you stay home, eat junk food and watch bad TV all day. However, neither should you obsess with every wrinkle, gray hair and physical change you are inevitably to experience. This is an incredible waste of your energy; it will bring you much suffering and depression.

Peter Pan never had an adult relationship; adult relationships are hard work. There’s no botox shot or liposuction procedure to make you or your lover happy all the time. Real intimacy forces us to look at ourselves and see all of our unresolved shit, not just the carefully-maintained image we show to the world. One way to avoid real intimacy is by choosing men who are unavailable (emotionally or mentally) or a bad fit psychologically and maturity-wise. This kind of relationship would please Peter Pan immensely: He’d never have to deal with grown up problems like the boredom, anger, frustration and impatience that come with adult, long-term relationships.

Many wealthy, handsome and charming older gay men tell me that they want a beautiful, kind, sweet, “twink” boyfriend. While young men like this may be beautiful fantasy objects, with rare exceptions, they’re not good potential partners for mid-life men. Psychologically, someone in his 20s is in a very different place than someone in his 40s or 50s. The developmental tasks for 20-year-olds include: experimentation, finding yourself, having fun, getting laid, discovering who you are and what you like. This is rarely a good fit for men 20 to 30 years older. At this age, most of us are looking for something more meaningful. We’ve done the bars, the clubs, the alleys (!) and we want more. We’ve had great fun sex and been out all night more than we can count, but now we want something with depth and meaning. We want to connect with another man and see if we can create a good life together.

For some mid-life men, being with much younger men is about control; it may be a reaction to an earlier time in life when they felt out of control (and probably were). These men may feel they can play the “older, wiser” man who may want to help or even mentor a younger guy; but, hey, all you silver daddies out there, check out your motivation! You may have unresolved emotional issues that push you to be very controlling of your relationship(s). Picking much younger guys gives you a guarantee that you won’t be threatened or challenged by someone your own age, who may see through your bullshit and call you on it.

Instead, you get to live out a “second adolescence” and pretend you’re much younger than you are. It’s a great way to avoid telling yourself the truth about who you are, how old you are, and how you feel about it.

There’s nothing wrong with finding young guys attractive, but if it prevents us from hooking up with someone hot, handsome and around our own age – someone who could potentially be a good boyfriend/lover/long-term partner – then this Peter Pan side of ourselves is not really our friend, after all. He’s the face of self-sabotage.