“I had a gay friend. We hung out and a rumor went around that I was gay. That was kind of it for me at school. I’d become the gay kid. I mean, I’ve always been more sensitive and more effeminate than manly guys, so it wasn’t a stretch for somebody to pull that out.” – Rob Thomas explains away those pesky gay rumors. Pull what out?

I’m going to say up front that I don’t believe the story I’m about to tell you. And that’s not based on any intimate knowledge or facts to the contrary. There are just certain things I believe and certain things I don’t. Ian Halperin has written a book called Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson. In it, he claims that MJ had a number of gay lovers whom he would tell (and I’m quoting Mr. Halperin who is quoting someone who was quoting Michael Jackson): “The King of Pop is going to lick your lollipop.” Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life? Well, I’ll make it more ridiculous. One of these alleged lovers, an “actor” named Lawrence, says, “He was very shy. But when he started to have sex, he was insatiable.” You can show me a videotape and I still wouldn’t believe that. No sirree. Another source tells Ian that Jackson fell madly in love with a construction worker. “Michael would leave the house in disguise, often dressed as a woman and would go to meet his boyfriend at a motel that was one of Vegas’ grungiest dives.” Come on!

The big news this week was about swimmer Ricky Berens who had one of those wardrobe malfunctions that fortuitously was captured in high res! At the FINA World Championships in Rome, Berens was wearing a Jaked01, which apparently is one of those onesies that swimmers wear to give them a sleeker line (and smooth out all those pesky bumps). This onesie was so tight (everybody: how tight was it?) that it split right down backside. The photographers on duty were quick to snap every inch of his bulbous butt, showing quite a delectable derriere covered with just the right amount of peach fuzz.

Last week, Joan Rivers went viral – not once, but twice! Backstage at her roast, she went off on a Comedy Central exec in a funny video which went around the world in seconds. However, days later she had a less positive experience during an interview with “Good Day Sacramento” – and we all know nothing good happens in the morning in Sacramento. She was promoting her new show, “How’d You Get So Rich?”, when one of the anchors asked if one answer could be, “By riding on my mum’s coat tails.” Well, Joanie didn’t laugh ... she swore! “I think we’re gonna end the interview right now. Don’t get so fucking smart.”

There’s been a shake up regarding red carpet award coverage at the TV Guide Channel. Nope, Joan and Missy haven’t been asked back. But you can add Lisa Rinna and Joey Fatone to the ousted hosts category. The upcoming Emmy Awards will find a new duo doing duty – Chris Harrison and Carrie Ann Inaba. I predict this will be the most dramatic red carpet ceremony EVER!

I got some good news from my buddy Jeff Varner. Can’t place the name? You may recall him from “Survivor: The Australian Outback” in 2001. For the past two years, he’s been a reporter and anchor at WWMT in Kalamazoo, Mich. And you’ll soon be seeing him on “Live with Regis and Kelly,” since he was chosen to fill in for Regis on Aug. 7. Part of the reason he won was a FABULOUS audition tape. Congrats, Jeffy!

The revolving door at “Desperate Housewives” continues – and this time, it’s affecting the boys. Sexy Shawn Pyfrom has voluntarily dropped his status from series regular to recurring to free-himself-up-for-other projects. This makes sense, given we’ve barely seen him since his character was married off to that doctor/gay porn star. On the allegedly positive side, Jesse Metcalfe and his manssiere will be returning for a handful of episodes. Something tells me he’ll be spending his summer vacation doing a 30-day fast and mega cardio.

Of course, cardio can only do so much. Ask Channing Tatum. We have additional evidence that there’s more to him than meets the eye – much more. A few weeks ago, we showed you how he looked jiggling ... er, jogging shirtless in Hollywood vs. his ripped, airbrushed-within-an-inch-of-his-life-GQ photoshoot. Lest anyone think his abs are any more impressive than mine, there is a video parody of Dirty Dancing starring Channing as a shirtless “Johnny” and Charlyne Yi as “Baby.” Let’s just say the budget on this shoot was non-existent (although, to his credit, it is very funny).

Last week, I told you that I felt most of Rupert Everett’s professional woes were due to his attitude rather than being gay. Hours after I posted that story, he was dumped as a contributing editor at Vanity Fair – a gay-friendly employer if ever there was one. Apparently, Rupert took aim at editor Graydon Carter in an interview, and Carter decided there was no reason to keep him on board. With the click of a mouse, Everett was persona non grata. And it had nothing to do with his face – either of them.

I got an amusing “Ask Billy” question from Sean in Philadelphia: “Have you seen the new Ford commercial with that hot daddy-type guy? He looks so familiar, but I can’t place him. If anyone can track him down, it’s you.”

That would be our very own Mike Rowe from “Dirty Jobs.” What I like most about this commercial, aside from Mike’s hotness, is the slogan: “Why Ford? Why Now? Why Not!” I mean, is that the best reason some ad rep could come up with for buying a Ford? Why not? That’s like me telling someone to check out my Web site. When they ask why, I should just say “Why not?”

Although I refer to Mike as “our very own,” this may be one of those things I believe based on absolutely nothing. Didya know that prior to hitting it big, Mike was an opera singer with the now defunct Baltimore Opera? I’m just sayin’. Many people have weighed in regarding his sexuality – from a college roommate who votes for our team, to people who know an alleged girlfriend in San Francisco (I’ve got a ton of girlfriends in S.F. …, but they’re all male). Mike himself has weighed in on the issue in a video. In it, he goes to great lengths to say that while he’s flattered by male attention, it ain’t for him ... or is it? Why not?

When I have fewer questions about Rowe’s sexuality than Jackson’s, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. With the bulk of my summer travels ended, I must confess that I’m really glad to be staying put – even if put is in my childhood bedroom in Boston. Ah, if these walls could talk. If you’ve got a question for me, drop a note to billy@billymasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before we get proof of anyone licking either Mike’s lollipop! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.