In my private practice, a lot of clients come to me and complain about disappointment. Disappointment with their new job, new lover, new home, new diet. Self-help books make it sound so easy to make major changes in our lives. But is it? How often have you heard someone say, “Hey, it’s time for a change; I’m really ready to change my life.” But, a few months later, they’re likely to be disappointed, complaining, “I thought this new job/lover/diet was gonna be so great, but it’s the same old shit as before.” Most of us can only sustain external change for about three days before we fall into our habitual internal attitudes toward them. After all, we’ve had years to develop these, and yet we expect we can easily undo them.

Self-help books, wise gurus and infomercial promises aren’t enough: nothing “magically” changes just because we say so. If we want things to change, we need to take action and create change by behaving and thinking differently. Change is hard work. Before you undertake any major change in your life, it’s helpful to look at what stands in your way. Here are some obstacles to change that I see in many of my clients. Are they familiar?

You aren’t willing to do the work: If you just wait for happiness (more money, a new lover, a better job) to come to you, what do you think will happen? Likely, nothing! New results require new thoughts, actions, speech, and intentions. Instead of giving up on your desires for change, look past the obvious and dig deeper. For example: if you want a boyfriend, ask yourself what for? If it’s to stop feeling lonely, then a boyfriend may not fix your problem. Your loneliness is the real problem, and you need to learn to enjoy your own company. If you think you need a new job, what for? Do you want to leave your current job because you find some of the people difficult? Guess what? There are usually difficult people at every job. Rather than running away, set your intention to learn how to deal with difficult people. See what I mean about digging deeper? A recent client told me he wanted to look like actor Daniel Craig in his naked scenes in those James Bond movies. I asked him why. He said, “because then I’ll feel sexy and confident.” I suggested we work on how he can feel that way without looking like 007. I helped him identify and remove what blocked him from feeling sexy, confident, strong and handsome.

You’re too impatient: How many of us feel impatient about change and don’t want to wait forever to become happier? (In all honesty, I’d raise my hand to this one). After all, we deserve to be happy, don’t we? Look at how long we’re suffered already. If you’ve spent 25, 35 or 45 years feeling you’re not worthy of a good job/partner/house/whatever, do you really expect that just simply deciding to change will transform your life? When my clients want to take on big psychological “makeovers,” I encourage them to take it slowly. We can’t sustain major change when we try to do it dramatically and quickly. I know it isn’t as exciting – it wouldn’t make good reality TV – but lasting change in our lives comes gradually, step-by-step.

You expect too much: When I have a new client who says, “I have so many problems, I don’t know where to start,” I encourage him or her to make a list of all the things that bother them and to rate these problems (on a scale of one to 10) by how much pain each one brings them. For example, “I hate my job” is a seven; “I feel so lonely” is a nine; “I don’t like my body” is a three. We start to work on the most painful stuff first and we focus on one problem at a time, breaking it down into small, do-able action steps. For example, saying “I hate my job” over-and-over is only going to bring you misery. Instead, ask yourself questions like: “What about my job bothers me the most? What do I like about it?” Any seemingly unsolvable problem can be broken down into a series of smaller, more easily solved problems.

You’re too hard on yourself: You may think that you’re a slacker, but, in reality, you’re probably too hard on yourself. Punishing yourself isn’t the way to make changes. You’ve been punishing yourself for years, and you haven’t changed. That’s not the way to do it. Here’s a better way: Make a list of 10 ways that you can be kinder to yourself in the next week and start to do them. I guarantee you that by being kinder to yourself, any changes you want to make in your life will happen more quickly and painlessly. I’m sorry to tell you it won’t be fast and dramatic: Change comes from being persistent and consistent. Try it, and don’t be surprised when you life starts to change, in small ways…and then keeps on changing.