“I was in Palm Springs in a very private pool. My boyfriend and I were out there doing a fundraiser and it was a very secluded spot and we didn’t see any helicopters, so we went into the pool.”

“Oh, easy: The ability to eat as much as I want and not gain weight.”

“Some of my favorite studies to blip across the news wires are always the ones that talk about adding years to your life, about how modifying this or that aspect of your diet or health regimen will either add or subtract a year, two years, a decade to/from your time on this pale blue dot. I don’t quite get it. Are we really enthralled by such information? Is anyone thrilled at the rather obvious idea that if you stop snarfing a family-sized bag of neon-orange nuclear Doritos every damn day, you will die at a ripe old age of 92 instead of a sickly and pallid 89? Should we not be discussing the only thing that really matters: how you live and feel in this very moment, the one right here and now?”

“(Being Perez Hilton) makes getting laid hard, and I’m a big gay! I like getting my dick sucked just as much as any other gay. In real life, I’m not as loud, crazy and obnoxious as Perez is. In real life, I’m actually fucking boring. All I do is work and when I’m not working I go over to my friend’s house and we play games, I go to concerts. That’s all I do.”