Happiness: what a topic! Most of my clients want to be happier…they want more happiness and less suffering in their lives. Who doesn’t? But, what is happiness? We all know it when we feel it, or do we? Is it feeling good, joyful, optimistic, healthy, alive? Or is it a deeper sense of pleasure, satisfaction, well-being? A wise old (straight) colleague of mine claims that “the happiest time of life for men is ages 60-69 and the unhappiest period is ages 20-29.” Is this true for all of us, or just straight men? Is happiness for us GLBTers related to coming out, reducing our internalized homophobia, staying physically healthy, having a good group of friends and sense of community? Is it true – as many new age gurus claim – that happiness is a choice? Is it also true – as Freud claimed – that it takes more effort to be happy than it does to be unhappy?

Happiness is self-defined: your happiness may not look or feel like mine. The things that make your boyfriend happy may not make you happy, and vice-versa. Happiness is experienced not only in our neocortex (where our thoughts reside), but also on a total body level: a happy body is full of energy, flexibility, aliveness and strength. It can take you almost anywhere and recover quickly from difficult situations. Let’s define what happiness is for you.

Complete this sentence: For me, real happiness is….

I recommend that you complete the sentence several times: your answers may “deepen” the more you think about it. Let your answer(s) be as long as you like, the more you write, the more your subconscious may get activated and you may get answers that surprise you. Once you’ve completed the sentence a few times, take a look at your answers: is there a theme? Are there links between the things you wrote?

Here are some other questions to help identify what you define as happiness: When was the last time you really felt happy? What kinds of things have brought you happiness in the past? When was the last time you did any of those things? Who are some people you know who seem to be happy? What is it about them that makes them happy? What are they like?

In my work with clients, I often use elements of Buddhist psychology to help clients identify and eliminate the sources of their suffering and locate the source of their happiness. For example, if you hook your happiness onto someone else or some event happening in a certain way, your happiness is shaky. A more solid, lasting happiness has got to come from a lasting source…a source that you can control. The only thing you can control is your mind and body…and that’s a challenge in itself.

For some people, this is where spirituality comes in. God or Spirit is seen as the only unchanging source of happiness and, in theory, we need to align with this essence or presence in order to have a continual pipeline to happiness. Well, all you spiritual folks out there, how easy it THAT to pull off? Quite difficult, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter whether you have a spiritual belief system or not, happiness has got to come from within.

In an effort to avoid a cookbook mentality, here are some possible ways to experience more happiness:

Identify what historically has brought you happiness and unhappiness.

Study people that you think are happier than you are. What do they have that you don’t? If you can, ask them about themselves and how they find their happiness.

Begin to quiet your mind: any activity that brings you more peace and quiet is setting the stage for happiness.

Find ways to let yourself be more spontaneous, e.g., more yourself: do you need to spend a day hiking, an afternoon playing golf, an evening dancing your ass off until the club closes? How can you loosen up more?

Live more in the moment. Notice when you’re off in future hopes or dreams and kindly bring yourself back to this moment. Happiness is only available NOW, not tomorrow and not yesterday. If you’re stuck in the past, overanalyzing something for the millionth time, gently bring yourself back to the present.

Experiment with being more flexible; if you can “go with the flow”, your odds of happiness increase exponentially. If you have to have things your way, happiness is unlikely to fly in your window…because you’re got it bolted shut and locked down.

Forgiveness is another path to happiness. The person you refuse to forgive for their stupid behavior is probably off at the beach having a good time while you’re still stuck in your misery. Forgiveness isn’t about making the other person feel better; it helps you feel better, and brings you one step closer to experiencing more happiness.