Death is a part of life, yet somehow we all do our best to avoid thinking about it. Even though none of us gets out of this life alive, it sure is tempting to think that, somehow, maybe we won’t have to. Illogical? Sure. But it’s a way to cope. Here in San Diego, land of beautiful weather and people, health is the emphasis. T-shirts and board shorts worn year-round let us “advertise” our beautiful, healthy bodies almost every day of the year.

And yet, we will all die. Most of us (the lucky ones) will live to a ripe, old age, and yet many of us will experience difficult times (e.g., illness, depression) as we approach death. How do we cope with death? And how do we cope when death happens to someone we love? An even harder question is: what do we do when someone we love kills themselves?

A former client of mine, whose adult son killed himself, told me, “I wanted to die too, I never thought I could survive the death of one of my children.” How do you work your way through such a deep and profound loss and the grief that inevitably follows?

When someone you love dies, give yourself permission to feel your feelings: anger, grief, shock, guilt, helplessness and/or despair. You can avoid them for a while, but, eventually, you have to feel. At a time like this, there are no right or wrong feelings. Feeling sorry for yourself is natural. Grief and regret are normal, healthy responses to your situation. When I worked at San Diego Hospice, almost every family I worked with felt regret when a loved one died. I typically heard, “I wish I had done more/been nicer/loved her more/not yelled at him that time” or some version of that.

When a loved one kills him/herself, rather than admit to helplessness, we often look for somebody to blame. Enlightened people tend to blame themselves; less enlightened people may blame others. Regardless, blaming anyone is useless. It is more helpful to admit we don’t know why they did it, we wished we could have stopped it, but it happened and now we are grieving, confused and helpless. An unexpected suicide can shake us to our very core.

When someone close to you dies – suicide or not – it’s crucial that you reach out for help; don’t deal with this alone. Turn to your partner, loved ones, colleagues and anyone who loves and cares about you. Don’t try to tough it out. San Diego Hospice has a wonderful bereavement department, offering both individual and group therapy. You can also search on the internet for a psychotherapist who specializes in grief counseling. A therapist or group can help you sort out your losses.

Don’t be surprised to find yourself ashamed when you start to feel better. One of my clients told me she felt “awful” when she found her sense of humor returning after the death of her beloved partner. She thought it inappropriate to enjoy her life while she was grieving.

Most of us heal slowly, piece-by-piece, and some days we find more joy and peace than others. To allay your guilt, ask yourself, “What would [name of the deceased] want me to do now?” It is unlikely they would want you to be miserable forever. It’s much more likely they would want you to remember them and move on with your own life, carrying them in your heart, taking the gifts they gave you and giving them to others. This is the “Other Side” of grief: the deceased lives on through us, in our kindness, compassion, joy and wisdom. You’ll never be the same person again, that’s for sure. Perhaps you’ll find yourself becoming just the kind of person your deceased loved one would be proud of: what a wonderful – yet bittersweet – legacy.