In October 2003, a U.S. soldier whose gay orientation was known to most members of his unit returned from deployment in the Middle East, and described his experience this week to researchers at the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military (CSSMM) at the University of California, Santa Barbara. The soldier, who will be referred to as Ryan, is the president of Gay and Lesbian Servicemembers for Equality, which was formed shortly after national attention focused on the expulsion of gay Arabic translators from the Army in the fall of 2002.

Ryan, who was deployed to the Middle East for a six-month tour, reported that most of his unit knew he was gay and that serving openly had no adverse effect on cohesion or readiness. “It was a non-factor,” he said. “Especially in a combat situation, it’s really the last thing on anyone’s mind. It’s just a question of doing your job.” Ryan explained that the military has many methods of addressing inappropriate behavior, such as sexual harassment, and that there should be a single standard for the conduct of gays and straights alike.

Although other soldiers’ knowledge of his sexual orientation did not undermine cohesion, the “don’t ask, don’t tell” regulations themselves added extra burdens to the task of bonding with his fellow troops. Ryan described how serving under the gay ban erodes the mutual trust that is essential to effective bonding. “A great deal of military service is being able to trust the people around you,” he said, “being able to be comfortable enough around them that you can trust someone with your life.” When you are forced to offer a partial picture of who you are, he explained, it becomes difficult to have confidence that your peers are embracing the true you. “Having to conceal something like this [one’s sexual orientation] can make you doubt the personal bonds and professional bonds that you have with people,” he said. “Lying makes it hard for others to trust you. It’s a forced lack of integrity on your part, and if you’re living a lie, they’re not trusting you, but a picture of you that you put in their head.”

Ryan also cited feelings of resentment toward the military that can undermine a soldier’s morale and commitment to the institution. He said that some gay soldiers question why they should put themselves in harm’s way for an organization that treats them as second-class citizens. “If the military is going to discriminate against me, [some people feel,] why should I fight for that institution and risk death? This is the way a lot of gay people feel, and it’s unfortunate because it’s a great opportunity to serve your country.”

“One of the biggest tenets of military service is personal integrity,” Ryan added, “and what the military is doing is forcing people to lie.”