Ah, e-mail. It makes our life easier in so many ways. Many of us get tons of it at work and then still more at home. It’s easier than a phone call – and way easier than writing an actual letter. Does anyone write letters anymore?

It is understandable that we would want to use e-mail to stay in touch with those we care about. There’s the weekly e-mail to Mom and Dad, the occasional message from that friend who moved to California last year. And then there are the special ones. When we see a message in our inbox from someone we’re dating, it gives us a little jolt of pleasure. Especially early in a relationship, we may find ourselves checking the ol’ inbox every hour to see if he committed his thoughts to paper – well, electrons, I suppose.

Caution! E-mail and text messages are wonderful for some types of communication, and a terrible one for others. (Ask anyone who has had his employer tell him he’s by e-mail that he’s been fired, for instance.)

E-mail transmits ideas and opinions. That makes it great for setting up dates and other appointments, and for conveying information in an efficient manner. Unfortunately, e-mail is a perfectly awful medium for transmitting emotions, especially the subtle emotions that are so important in maintaining intimate relationships. We miss the little cues that are present over the phone – voice inflection, hesitation before responding, and so forth. While you might imagine your e-mail correspondent sitting in the same room with you, if he actually was you could see his facial expression, sense his emotional state. :) is a very poor substitute. In fact, the content of an e-mail can be like a Rorschach inkblot, just waiting for us to project our interpretation onto it.

One of the big advantages of e-mail is that it is quick and leaves a permanent record (unless we delete it). One of the big disadvantages of e-mail is that it is quick and leaves a permanent record. The quickness means that we can give someone our thoughts right away…and that can sometimes be problematic in intimate relationships where we would do better to consider our words sometimes. Have you ever hit the “send” button and immediately known it was a mistake? You’re not alone.

A phone conversation becomes a memory moments after it ends, but an unhappy e-mail message just sits there until we delete it. We can go back and reread it and wound ourselves yet again. It becomes a part of the long-term record of our love life, for better or worse.

For all of these reasons, if you have the need for an intimate conversation with someone, please consider picking up the phone or having the conversation face to face. The give and take of live, real-time conversation is nourishment for relationships. If you find yourself exchanging intimacies via e-mail, be aware that you may be misunderstood, or may misinterpret what has been written to you. If that seems to be happening, pick up the phone as soon as possible. Keep it real, not virtual.

All of this goes double for text messages. by the way. Sending little messages by phone may be convenient, but...it’s a phone, for Pete’s sake! Unless you are texting a quick “I luv U,” pick up the phone and turn it into a phone call!

And while we’re on the subject: remember that those little virtual greeting cards aren’t the equivalent of actually caring enough to pick one out at a shop, sign it with a personal note and hand-address an envelope.