• During this time of year, do you often feel depressed and alone?

• Does Santa seem like a bad joke?

• Do you identify more with Scrooge than Tiny Tim?

• Does it seem like everyone else is having more fun, going to more parties and getting/giving cooler gifts than you are?

• Do you want to stay in bed and hide under the covers until Jan. 2?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you may have GLBT Affective Disorder, also known as “Holiday Hell.” Let’s face it, as GLBT people, most hetero ideals of the holidays don’t fit us very well. Even if we have kids and do the “kid Christmas” thing, we’re not like dear old Mom and Dad…maybe more like Adam Lambert and his newest beau, but that’s another story.

For many of us, depression at this time of year comes from comparing ourselves, our gifts, our families, etc. with what other people do, give, etc. This is deadly because we all imagine everyone else is having more fun than we are. The truth is, you have no idea how happy or miserable anyone else is behind their façade. If most people were as happy as they appear to be, I would have no clients and would probably become a gardener (or something). If you could sit in my chair, and hear how miserable most people are at this time of year, you’d stop envying other people immediately. Why not make your goal to find some joy for yourself in this season of unrealistic expectations?

Another source of depression and anxiety is trying to keep up with (or surpass) other people. The real problem here is that by doing so, you’ll completely miss what might actually make you happy (or at least make the “season” pass as painlessly as possible). If other people appear to be going to lots of fun parties, and you’re not, refocus on what makes you happy. This is hard, I know, but obsessing on the parties you won’t be attending will just bring you down. The same rule applies if your Christmas will be alone and your friends or co-workers are going to La Jolla to be with their huge, totally happy, ridiculously wealthy family, where they’re sure to get a Ferrari in their stocking. Focus on pleasing yourself.

A big source of seasonal stress is trying to have a Martha Stewart holiday. You know: perfect in every way (jail time optional). Every gift perfectly chosen, wrapped and paired with the only card is San Diego perfect for that special someone. As Cher said in Moonstruck, “Snap out of it!” Don’t get sucked into this crap. Instead of overachieving, simplify. Do less. Enjoy more. While this may seem anti-American, it is pro-mental health. Doing too much creates stress and worry, which makes it hard to enjoy anything you do. Do fewer things and enjoy each one more. Give yourself some alone time to unwind from events, shopping, gift-wrapping, etc. If you are partnered, schedule more “couple time” than usual: help each other relax and chill out.

Are you angry at yourself because you’re a wimp and agree to do things you don’t want to do? Like plan the office party, go to dinner with people who bore you, fly to Atlanta to be with family members you can’t stand. Good news for former wimps! This is the perfect time to practice being appropriately assertive: learn to say “No” to obligations you used to say “Yes” to. Do you hate shopping, malls, crowds and jammed parking lots? Just say no. Instead, shop online or patronize GLBT-owned and -friendly businesses. Don’t let yourself get talked into social events that bum you out. Instead, spend time with people you really like in non-party situations: have lunch or dinner with one friend or a couple of friends at most. Need a quick lift? Leave the Valium in the bottle and instead go to the movies with a friend; see a comedy (or two).

Do you do the Codependent thing? Put yourself last and everyone else first? This is a great way to make sure your holidays are miserable and you end up resentful and pissed off at yourself and everyone else. Instead of being the perfect caretaker for your friends/family, this is a great time of year to dramatically increase your self-care and put yourself first! Be your own Santa if no one else will. Give yourself some wonderful gifts before, during and after Christmas; they can be free or expensive, it doesn’t matter. Put yourself first!

A great gift to yourself at this time of year is to work out regularly; the endorphins will boost your self-esteem. Don’t worry about too many holiday calories, burn them off with free weights and aerobics. Get out of your car and walk more: when shopping, park your car somewhere central and walk to stores and restaurants. Surf or hike on weekends. Swim at a local pool or in the ocean (wet suits anyone?) Take a yoga or pilates class to stretch, chill out and center yourself. Give yourself the gift of Mother Nature: if you like walking and hiking, this is a great time of year to be outside, and Mount Laguna. Balboa Park or Torrey Pines State Park aren’t crammed with tourists like in the summer and early fall.

Some people (no names, please) try to avoid Holiday Hell by getting so wasted they don’t feel anything. This is a mistake. As Ram Dass said, “the secret to happiness is to be here now”. Don’t drink or drug yourself into oblivion. It only gives you a temporary escape anyway. You want a nice, healthy escape? Go out dancing two or three times a week. Work your body hard, laugh, sing along with the new Madonna, Wynonna or The Futureheads CD and come home covered with sweat and wearing a smile.

Does organized religion bug you at this time of year? Are you tempted to kick over every nativity scene you see? Perhaps Jesus, Mary and the gang are not your cup of tea. Instead, find a spiritual or philosophical component of the season that means something to you. Author Marianne Williamson once told me that, as a Jew, she saw the birth of Jesus as symbolic, not literal, and that she chose to interpret it as bringing forth something new and wonderful into the world. She focused on the “birth” of a new idea/project/relationship/etc. This is but one example of taking the spiritual side of Christmas and making it work for you, whether you are Pagan, Atheist or whatever.

If you hate spending the holidays with your relatives, don’t. Stay home and have dinner with your best friend, or buy a plane ticket somewhere fun, or drive to Palm Springs for a day or two…it’s your life. You’re an adult…you get to decide. And if you decide to spend time with your family, how will you cope? What will you do about those relatives who don’t see how truly fabulous you are? What can you say to relatives who are nervous (or even hostile) when you talk about the great new man/woman you’re dating? What if your family is so screwed up that they tell you, as my client’s sister told him, “Shut up, I don’t want to hear about your sick and twisted love life.” (Gulp). What can you do with these people?

How many times can you hear Aunt Millie ask you if you’ve met any nice girls before you rip her head off? And if you’re newly out, maybe your whole family needs a Xanax before you walk through the door, (finally) gay and proud for the first time in your life. First of all, nobody knows your family like you do. You may choose to cope by not saying a word about your sexuality. This may work, but it could leave you feeling like a volcano, ready to explode.

If you’re visiting your family and just aren’t ready to come out yet, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself to stay closeted. Give yourself permission. You’ll know when the time is right. Maybe Christmas Day isn’t the best time. Take care of yourself as best you can. Find outlets for your frustration. Periodically, get away from the family, get on your cell and call your best friends (wherever they are) and vent your pent-up emotions. You need to discharge all that suppressed anger/frustration/disappointment so you don’t explode in anger at your family. Physical outlets help a lot: get yourself to a gym if you can: feel the burn and drop the tension in your body. No gym? Go for a brisk walk or jog. Do something physical. Shovel snow (if you’re an Ohio native, like me) or go surfing if you find yourself in Santa Barbara.

It’s your first Christmas as an openly gay person. Who’s more nervous, you or your family? The cardinal rule here is: the fewer surprises, the better. Everyone’s scared to death someone will say something stupid/offensive/inappropriate, so expect your family to be as nervous as you. You hold the upper hand: you know them, but they realize that they really don’t know you. The new you is openly gay…help them get used to it. PFLAG can be delicately dropped into the conversation, as can the excellent book Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark. Maybe someone in your family could receive it for Christmas (hint, hint).

Is your family so homophobic and hostile that they could inspire their own “Fear Factor” episode? Perhaps you’ve considering being separated from your partner at Christmas because your family is totally unwilling to accept your sexuality or your partner. This is a tough one. Do you go home by yourself or do you stay with your partner? This is a decision to make as a couple. Both your and her/his feelings need to be considered. Often, a compromise can be reached: you’ll have breakfast alone with your family and dinner with your partner and her/his family. What matters is to come up with a plan that both of you feel okay about – not great, but okay.

If you must spend time with your Fear Factor family, remember to act your age and resist the temptation to act childish in their presence. Remind yourself that you’re an adult now and can handle whatever comes your way. Limit your exposure to family members who are really awful: stay at a hotel or with a relative you get along with. Have your own transportation and use it to get away when you’ve had enough. Don’t set yourself up to feel trapped with your evil Uncle Ed or crazy Aunt Lucy. Always provide yourself with an escape route.

Who’s more nervous, you, your partner or your family? It’s probably a toss-up. On that tense first visit, I recommend moderation in all things: neither hold yourself back totally nor go overboard. Be yourself, but be a moderate, considerate version of yourself. Before you go home, tell your family about your partner and the relationship that the two of you have. Tell them qualities about her/him that they may find appealing. Okay, so you’re doing a little sell job, what’s wrong with that? Then, when they meet your new honey, they’ll already feel a connection. Help them along, and help your partner along too by not scaring the hell out of her/him. Instead, do a little sell job on the positive qualities of your family. Later on, everyone will see the assets and flaws in each other. For the first meeting, set it up to be as pleasant as possible.

What if this time of year is particularly awful for you? For example, if your partner/friend/parent died at this time in the recent past? This may be your first holiday without them. Or your third or fourth without them, but you still miss them like hell. This is a time to gain support from those who love you. This is a time to grieve and cry but also to laugh and enjoy life as much as you can. Be real. Don’t fake it. Faking it makes people crazy (depressed, anxious, etc.) You may need to tell people that you may shed a tear or two because this is a hard time for you. Let them know; trust that people will understand and respect your emotions. This is not a time to be around homophobic family members. You may need some time to “stabilize” before you’re ready to take them on. If so, explain to them that you’re emotionally fragile and need to take really good care of yourself, so you won’t be traveling this year. Period. Don’t feel guilty (see Codependence above). No one will take care of yourself unless you do. Other people aren’t mind readers, but we do pretty okay when we’re informed.

This is a challenging time of year for everyone. No one gets out unscathed. Focus on taking good care of yourself and those you love. Remember that it’s okay to be Scrooge-like (occasionally, if you really need to), but why not aspire to be a fabulous Santa to yourself instead?