If you’re a big fan of the movies, as I am, you’re more than familiar with Hollywood’s ideas of Love. In the movies, “falling in love” implies that we’re passive and helpless. It just kind of happens to you, if you’re lucky and all the planets are aligned just right. In real life, it doesn’t work this way.

I like gay San Francisco psychotherapist Tom Moon’s idea of “standing in love.” Love is active, it’s a verb, it takes work. It feels more like standing with someone, hand-in-hand, through the good times and the times when everything sucks and you just want to run the hell away from this person you thought you loved but now you just can’t stand. We all feel like this. Yep, no matter how evolved or wonderful we and our partners are, we all have to stand tall through the shitty times. It takes guts and strength and endurance and a lot of impulse control to “stand in love.” And if the movie versions of romance are really illusions, how can we eliminate these phony ideas about romance and “stand in love”?

And what about sex? Sex in the movies is either hot and passionate or subtle and implied with a slow fade-out. But, sex in real life is usually neither extreme…it’s all over the map. Sometimes great, other times repetitive and even boring. This, dear readers, is normal. Please stop beating yourselves over the head because your sex life isn’t like the idealized movie versions that are shoved down our throats.

Hollywood is big on “romance.” Especially if you like older, classic films, romance is where it’s at. Long, slow courtships, steamy glances, all those sexual impulses reigned in tight. Again, it’s a cinematic illusion. Why not define romance for ourselves? Could “romance” for you mean: consideration, shared intimacy, taking turns “spoiling” each other with the occasional fancy night out? Could “romance” mean not running away when one of you gets sad and needs to be comforted and held? Could it mean allowing the other person to be angry or grumpy because their day at work was hell and yours wasn’t? I invite you to define what you mean by romance; it may not be illusory at all.

Or it might be: if you expect Hollywood-esque experiences of love, sex and romance on a regular basis, you’re probably heading for an unhappy ending (no matter how good your “trailer” was!) I often tell my clients that “when the glitter wears off” is when you see who your new lover really is, e.g., when he has bad breath in the morning, when she snores and you can’t get to sleep, etc. This is when your “fall” into romance is over: either you “stand” in love or take off running. This is your opportunity to leave Hollywood’s romantic illusions behind and act like a grownup: you see your flaws, your lover’s flaws and – together – you work them through.

However you define love, sex and romance, let it be mutual. If you have a lover, let them know that you treasure them, desire them, find them attractive, sexy, exciting. If you are single and dating, start to share your ideas about love, sex and romance with people you date, you’ll learn a lot about them. If you’re alone, use this time to get clear on what it is you want in a relationship. Alone time can be super productive if it’s reflective and exploratory, not just full of self-pity and desperation. Don’t fall for the illusions of Hollywood. Instead, why not use movies to inspire you to create your own definition of a wonderful real-life relationship, with the kind of love, sex and romance that truly pleases and fulfills you. Make your own “movie,” write the script, cast all the parts (good fun) and then roll the cameras!