In my private practice, it is amazing how many gay/bi/trans men tell me that they hate condoms. People say how much better anal sex is without them, it feels better, is more spontaneous…you’ve heard this too, I’m sure. Given all this, how can we make peace with condoms?

I suggest that you consider NOT seeing them as your enemy. Aim for neutrality. After all, they exist to help keep you HIV-negative. They perform a valuable function; they’re not there to make your life miserable. A shift in your consciousness can make the whole condom thing a whole lot easier. You know how some older people freak out when they have to learn computers, and they just hate the computers and curse them? And how young people just don’t get what the big deal is? Why do these elders resist the computers so much when the computers can make their lives so much easier once they learn how to use them? Well, condoms are like computers: you can resist using them or you can make peace with them and let them make your sex life so much healthier.

Try experimenting with condoms, especially when jacking off alone. Don’t just use condoms when you’re fucking, practice with them when you’re masturbating. Get used to the feel of different ones. Once you jerk off with them a few times, it’s a lot easier to use them when you’re fucking. You’re more familiar with them, know the ones you like and how to use them to best pleasure yourself. Try different lube/condom combinations. The object is to get very familiar with condoms and lube, letting them become part of your pleasure, not an obstacle to it.

At present, there appears to be no other way to avoid seroconversion but abstinence and fucking with condoms. So if you want to stay HIV-negative, make peace with them. Or don’t, and accept that your likelihood of seroconverting is high and that, over time, the odds are against you. Part of the problem with condoms is that people hate them and are attached to hating them. This, unfortunately, will get you nowhere. Rather than seeing them as the enemy, see them as saving your life rather than taking away your boner.

Many of my clients report it’s harder to keep an erection with a condom. They see putting on a condom as an interruption of good sex, and then it becomes just that: a frustrating interruption. Men who successfully use condoms have made them a part of their sex routine. They make sure that they have their favorite condoms conveniently with them at all times; after all, you never know when and where good sex may present itself. These guys have also experimented with lube and found lubes they like.

I encourage you to work condoms into your sex life in a way that make it better, not worse. For example, ask your partner to put the condom on for you. Why not try different kinds of condoms? Experiment with different fits and sensations and textures.

You can continue to make condoms your energy or incorporate them into your sex life in playful and erotic ways: use your creativity. After all, are we not queer men?