It seems that every time pedophilia rears its ugly head in the media, gay men get blamed. And when the GLBT community protests, reminding everyone that pedophilia is overwhelmingly a problem of heterosexual men, someone invariably brings up the gay worship of young flesh — as if every fashion magazine featuring barely pubescent girls in fetish couture were a completely different and entirely harmless matter.

There is no doubt that young people and their contributions to the community are often discounted due to their age. The tendency to overlook and overrule young people and their aspirations simply because they are young is a subject that should be examined more closely.

The problem is that those who claim that too many older gay men get involved with one very young thing after another have a point. And all too often the issue isn’t really self-determination, it’s sex.

Leaving the legal issues aside, teenagers (and those in their early 20s — you may not like it, but it’s true) are still developing. These are tremendous learning years, in which they discover a lot about themselves and the world around them. It’s an important time. Adults can befriend and mentor teens, but they need to leave their bodies and emotions alone. It’s hard to develop your own adult personality with someone else’s hedging you in. Having had “a lot of experience” does not make them fair game. Experience doesn’t necessarily make anyone mature; there is a vast difference between wisdom and cynicism. Besides, if they’ve “had a rough life,” isn’t that all the more reason to let them grow in their own time, unburdened by the romantic expectations of adults?

There is nothing wrong with young people having sex — sexual exploration is perfectly natural. As a matter of fact, youth should be given more (and accurate) information about sexuality, safety and the ramifications of sexual activity so that they are able to explore their bodies and emotions without shame, censure or danger. But they should be exploring with each other, not with adults and all the baggage they bring.

There is also nothing wrong with two full-fledged adults of widely disparate ages falling in love and having a relationship. If you’re 35 and they’re 60, there may be some rocky spots, but both are basically equals. However, there is a difference between getting involved with another adult who happens to be many years younger than you are, and getting involved with someone who may be legal, but is still wet behind the ears — not to mention getting involved with a child. If you actually believe that you have fallen deeply, unselfishly in love with a 16-year-old who happens to be 20 years younger than you, and that only the consummation of your love can make you happy, then you need to grow up even more than they do. Let’s face it, that kind of role model will only hold them back.

Any claim that older men are seeking the empowerment of youth sounds pretty specious when examined closely. They don’t spend a lot of time talking about sexual freedom for youth in itself, instead emphasizing that boys should be allowed to have sex with men. There are publications that consists of the personal stories and statements of “boys” as young as 11 who argue for the right to have sex with whomever they want — but rather than 12-year-olds pining for 14-year-olds and 16-year olds being kept from 19-year olds, all of the stories seem to be about minors and much older men. Is this really about empowerment?

There is a grey area when it comes to those who are of legal age. Our community has a tendency to obsess over youth, and while that usually translates into frenzied attempts to look younger, act younger and generally deny our own age, there is also an unfortunate tendency to think that sexual involvement with very young men somehow grants us a piece of their youth. It’s as if we think we can achieve youth by osmosis. And there are those who are perfectly willing to sell their youthful glow to the highest bidder.

For those who believe that having a fresh, young, barely legal thing on their arm gives them some kind of studly status, keep in mind that others may envy you having sex with that hunk of prime veal, but not for a moment do they think any more of you for it. Odds are they’re taking bets on whether you keep him on a retainer or pay him by the blow.

As for the hot young things who think that finding a sugar daddy is the key to the life they want to lead, remember, you won’t always be under 25. You too will get older. And if you’re not careful you’ll become one of those very guys you disdain right now. Forced retirement comes early for those who bank on their youth; boy toys have a shorter shelf life than supermodels, and they aren’t nearly as well-paid.

Sure we can find sweet young things who would be glad to be our little sugar pops. So what? The fact that we can doesn’t mean we should. As the older, supposedly wiser ones it is our job to take the long view and say no. Someone has to act as the adult in every situation; if you happen to be an adult, then that means it should be you.