Many of us talk about wanting more intimacy in our lives. We aren’t very certain about how to get what we want, though. And sometimes it seems like we just when we are closest to getting what we desire, we somehow sabotage or thwart ourselves. What gives?

Intimacy has been called an “unarmed encounter between two vulnerable individuals.” Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable isn’t easy; vulnerability implies that we might get hurt. No one wants to get hurt. Little boys learn quickly that getting hurt not only hurts, but that it isn’t very manly to show your pain. We then start the process of building walls that keep us from experiencing what seems like not only pain, but also humiliation.

On top of this, little boys are raised to value taking action, not talking about their feelings. We grow into men with an emotional vocabulary less developed than that of women. Men often have trouble naming exactly what they are feeling. We are often more vague in describing our emotions. In fact, the whole topic of emotions makes some of us anxious. We’re more comfortable talking about almost anything else.

Some men talk about feeling as if they live within fortified walls, sort of like a medieval village. Few people are allowed within the village walls – that is, close to their hearts. Sometimes it can feel as if they have lost the instruction manual that explains how to operate the gates within these walls, and the gateways remain permanently closed. It gets lonely within the barricades. These men feel safe, but feel as if there is essentially no one with whom they can truly be themselves.

Defenses are not all bad. Without defenses we would be, well, defenseless. Going through life without the protection offered by any defenses is likely to be very painful indeed. The problem arises when we find ourselves with our defenses on automatic pilot and with no way to allow ourselves the gift of intimacy.

If your shields are always up, the first step towards growing in your capacity for intimacy is to begin discovering and acknowledging your feelings. When something happens, take a look at your emotions. Then look deeper; you may be feeling more than one feeling. Most emotions are a variation of one of four primary emotions: mad, sad, glad or scared. What do you notice? You may even want to keep a “feeling journal.” Notice what you experience during the day and the feelings that accompanied these interactions. (Many men confuse thoughts and feelings. Feelings are words, not explanations. A classic piece of advice in psychotherapy is “Think your thoughts, but feel your feelings.”)

You have a right to feel whatever you experience in life. You can also make choices about whether or how to share your internal experience of these feelings. If you remember that having a feeling doesn’t require you to always express it, you may find that you are less tempted to censor yourself and that your feelings come and go more freely.

We live in a time when depression is rampant in our society. Depression isn’t always feeling sad; often depression is feeling very little at all, feeling numb or shut-down.

Next time, we’ll talk about how to begin working through walls to increase your natural capacity for intimacy. John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships and spirituality. He can be reached at www.bodymindsoul.org.