What happens when people dump us, lie to us, betray us? Friends may leave us behind, lovers fade away, bosses fire us without warning. Often, we feel helpless and betrayed. We may feel like we’ve been a victim of a hit & run where the other driver isn’t taking any responsibility; he/she (your former friend/boss/lover/etc.) has left you wounded and abandoned by the side of the road. Usually, we feel betrayed. We trusted someone, and they let us down. Let’s look at how to handle such a painful – and often unexpected – situation.

First of all; try not to explode or over-react. The relationship may not really be over, but you could finish it off by going off on the other person. Maybe they’re going through a tough time, and the two of you can work this through. Many of my clients have told me that they (later) regret getting the anger “off my chest” right away by reaming the object of their wrath. It may feel good for a few minutes, but that kind of “explosion” can do serious damage to any relationship.

So, what do you do with all your emotions? Easy. Express them in ways that don’t hurt you. You can write about them, scream in the car, hit the bed with a tennis racket, maybe even talk about the situation with a third party (make sure it’s someone who can keep their mouth shut).

While you’re working through your emotions, don’t make any important decisions right now. Give yourself a week or two before deciding what you want to do. Decisions made while we are in a super-upset are usually lousy ones. You may wonder: Is it something I did? It’s normal to do some soul searching, and it can be a good thing, in moderation. Don’t spend too much energy looking at your past behavior…unless, of course, you’ve brought this on. Let’s assume that this is mostly about the other person (which it often is). Who knows what’s going on with the person who’s betrayed you? You don’t, so please don’t torture yourself by guessing.

One way to work through your feelings, particularly any anger or sadness you may have, is to write this “evil” person a letter. Let the first draft of the letter be as rude and evil as you like – you won’t send it, so let it rip! Put the letter aside for three days, and re-read it. Now edit it down to something “civilized”. Take out all the mean stuff and put it aside for another three days. Then read it again and imagine someone sent it to you. How would you respond? Do one final edit to make it as neutral as possible. Put this letter aside for another three days and consider if you want to send it. If in doubt, have someone you trust read it and give you feedback. Remember, you’re likely to see this person again – San Diego is a very small town - so don’t mail something that may cause you future suffering.

After the above process, you may not need to mail the letter. The purpose of those three day “holding periods” is to give you time to calm down. By now, you may have gotten all the crappy emotions out of your system. If you do decide to mail it, you may hear from her or not. If you mail the letter, tell yourself, “I’ve done all I can, whatever happens now is out of my hands”.

If this person is someone you can’t really avoid, how can you not feel freshly wounded each time you see him/her? Try this cognitive therapy technique: any time you see this person, catch any negative thoughts that pop up in your mind and replace them with neutral or positive ones. For example, If you see her and think, “How could you do this to me?”, you could replace that thought with “This is their problem, not mine” or “Lots of people love me.” You’re doing this for YOUR happiness, not theirs. You don’t want to stay stuck in anger or sadness…so take good care of yourself right now, spend time with people who love you and remember, happiness really is the best revenge!