This Valentine’s Day will be bitter sweet for many in our community. As we celebrate the bonds we share with our loved ones, we also acknowledge that a great tragedy has jolted us.

The recent murder-suicide in City Heights in which Robert “Bob” Agnew shot and killed his ex-lover, Eric Schulstise, before turning the gun on himself sent shock waves through our community last week.

In some ways, though, it is not so shocking.

We know that gay men have a higher prevalence of domestic violence than other segments of the population due to gross underreporting.

We know that GLBT individuals have a higher prevalence of suicide than other segments of the population.

And we know that GLBT individuals have a higher prevalence of secrecy in their relationships from family.

All of these factors played an important role in this tragedy.

Domestic violence in the GLBT population is grossly underreported for a number of reasons. First, domestic violence occurs within 30-40 percent of GLBT relationships. Second, with same-sex relationships, people often assume that the abuse is “mutual,” whereas in heterosexual relationships people see it as one-way. And third, reporting domestic violence requires coming out, which in some instances may not be an option for the individuals.

Higher rates of suicide and depression among GLBT individuals is well-documented.

In the case of Agnew and Schulstise, both men are described as “affable” and “happy-go-lucky.” As members of the GLBT community we often wear masks, whether it is to hide our sexuality, or to hide difficulties in our relationships from those who already question their validity. Regardless of how one is described in public, a murder-suicide does not for “affable” or “happy-go-lucky” make. We know that Agnew fired five or six times at Schulstise before turning the gun on himself. Genuinely “affable” and “happy-go-lucky” people don’t do that.

Schulstise’s parents are quoted as saying their son kept his relationships private. This is often the case with families, coworkers, and even friends. We are conditioned to keep our private lives just that: private. No doubt statistics on conversations in the workplace would show a dramatic skew in terms of discussion of heterosexual relationship issues versus issues being faced by same-sex relationships.

As the details of the event continue to unfold, questions have also arisen regarding the police department’s response to two separate 911 calls placed at the time of the shooting.

The GLBT community has a healthy and solid working relationship with the police department, and we believe we can safely say that any error on the part of the police was not due to homophobia. In fact, City Councilmember Todd Gloria’s home is directly adjacent to Schulstise’s. We would assume that a call to that number block of Wilson would have resulted in higher level of concern given the public nature of Gloria.

However, the police have maintained that five officers, including a sergeant, were dispatched to the scene after the calls, but that the location of the shootings could not be isolated at the time. This is troubling in light of the fact that the next door neighbor was one of the callers. Did the police not knock on enough doors? According to police records, the officers spent exactly 12 minutes at the scene. Was that really enough time to clear a scene where multiple witnesses reported gun shots?

And here is where it seems a bit troubling. When the police were called on Friday to do a welfare check on Schulstise after he had failed to show for work two days in a row, police were able to see both bodies, unobstructed, through a window. Presumably, the bodies were in their same location on Thursday. And if police arrived on the scene five minutes after the first 911 call, it is possible, though we cannot say to what extent, that medical help may have saved a life or two. We may never know.

In fact, there are a lot of things about this tragedy that we may never know. But we must, if for no other reason than to honor the lives of lost ones, learn from this tragedy.

Report domestic violence. Seek help if you are feeling depressed or suicidal. Seek counseling if a relationship is in trouble. And perhaps, lean just a little more on loved ones, for those are the persons who, in the end, are left asking, “Why?” and “What if?”