Race Bannon will be on the judging panel for the Mr. San Diego Leather Contest held March 18-21 as part of Leather Pride. Race Bannon is the author of the best seller Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun SM Lovemaking, the first basic instructional book on SM sexuality catering to men and women of all orientations. My formal introduction to Race was in 1993 when he was on the judging panel of the 1993 International Mr. Drummer Contest. Since that time he has been prominently featured in the documentaries Vice and Consent (winner of Best Documentary at the CineKink Film Festival in New York) and Out of the Darkness: The Reality of S&M. Race and Guy Baldwin founded, Kink Aware Professionals, a non-profit service that refers people to kink-sensitive psychotherapeutic, medical and legal professionals. He was the project leader of The DSM Project, a grassroots coalition of psychotherapeutic professionals worldwide that banded together to influence the categorization and diagnostic criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), that led to a beneficial change in the way the psychotherapeutic profession views kink.

Race also has one of the most interesting and successful relationships in the leather community. I have been fascinated by its dynamics for years and with Valentine’s Day approaching thought this was the perfect opportunity to talk about it.

Gay & Lesbian Times: I believe its human nature for us to want to label our relationships in order to validate them. Do you think the labels we place on our relationships help or hurt us?

Race Bannon: Particularly in Western culture, we like to describe things in definitive terms. We’re not always entirely comfortable with definitions that reside on a continuum. Relationships are no different. In such an environment labeling relationships brings us some comfort because we like what we already know and sometimes fear blazing new trails. Relationship labels are probably necessary on some level so we can talk about them amongst ourselves, but placing too much importance on the definitions behind those labels probably hurts more than it helps.

GLT: I would describe your current relationship as polyamorous. Is this accurate or do you have another term for it? How many years have you been in this relationship?

RB: My current relationship is absolutely polyamorous. When people ask what I call the relationship I’m in with the two great men in my life, I refer to it as a triad. If that seems a bit too clinical a definition for someone, I follow it up by calling it a three-way relationship since that seems to be clear to everyone. I’ve been with one of my partners, Mike for 19 years and our other partner, Jim, joined the relationship more than 13 years ago.

GLT: What are the dynamics that make your relationship successful?

RB: Honestly, it doesn’t feel all that different than the dyad (two-person) relationships I’ve had in the past. We consider it a fully equal triad relationship and while we might play with some power dynamics erotically, they don’t carry over into our daily lives. The dynamic that makes it work is one of those tried and true axioms of relationships – communication. We’re very open and honest with each other. Additionally, we value our differences. We are three extremely different people in many ways. We like it that way. Also, all three of us are quite comfortable with open relationships and outside sexual encounters are never an issue for us.

GLT: Do you see yourself as the head of household?

RB: I hesitate to say I’m the head of the household, but my partners seem to feel I am so I’m going to say yes. I’m highly organized. So I’m the one who does a lot of the things requiring such organization and consistency, like making sure all of the bills are paid. I’m also highly social and networked and much of our social life revolves around those connections. With that said, each of us has things we do in the house best. Jim does virtually all of the cooking. Mike takes care of the cats and certain weekly cleaning activities. It’s truthfully a very equal relationship on many fronts.

GLT: How do your leather/BDSM/kink experiences play out in daily life?

RB: The leather/BDSM/kink background of our relationship certainly adds to our sex life, both inside and outside of the relationship. It is one of the many forms of glue that holds us together, but it’s only one small part. I’m a big believer that even highly kinky and defined relationships must have at their core all of the same foundations of trust, communication and honesty that any relationship needs. We have that.

GLT: It’s difficult enough to keep a relationship fresh with just one partner. How do you do this with two of them?

RB: I know it sounds odd, but it hasn’t been that hard. Again, I think our respect for each other’s differences helps in this regard. We all think about life differently. We all approach our daily lives differently. We all have different life goals and directions. For us this individuality and diversity helps rather than hinders the relationship.

GLT: I’m sure you have your own definitions of intimacy, sex and leather play. How important are these to a polyamorous relationship?

RB: Intimacy crosses all bounds, kinky and otherwise. I do think that sometimes the level of intimacy required to achieve successful kinky play is higher than it might be in more traditional sexualities, but that’s certainly not true across the board. The leather/BDSM/kink theme runs throughout our lives on a sexual and social level, but doesn’t define us on a daily basis. Ultimately, it’s about three people caring deeply for each other and the rest is the setting in which that takes place.

GLT: What should individuals do who are interested in structuring a polyamorous relationship?

RB: Listen to everyone who has advice, then do it your own way anyway. Even when you ask two people in a relationship how they structure their more traditional arrangement, they all have different answers. Those in polyamorous relationships will do the same. They’re all unique. One bit of advice I will offer is to understand that the vast majority of polyamorous relationships start with a couple who then reaches out to one or more other people and brings them into their relationship. This is the tricky part, especially when the couple has a long history together already. However, once the polyamorous relationship is underway, many of those issues begin to fade. As a polyamorous relationship extends over time, the amount of time all parties have been together becomes longer and the time the couple has been together as just a couple becomes shorter. The newly formed family ends up having more and more experiences and common background that forms the foundation of their relationship. This allows the initial issues that often happen when someone is first brought into an existing relationship to fade over time as the common history grows.