A client of mine is in his early 20s and experiencing his first gay relationship. He’s recently come out and is very happy with his first boyfriend. However, he asked me last week: “Why are gay relationships so hard?” He is shocked how much work a relationship is and asked me for some advice to “make it a little easier.” His question inspired this column.

To anyone in their first gay/lesbian/bi/trans relationship, my first comment is: Congratulations! One’s first “true love” relationship is memorable, whether it lasts a few months or decades. It takes a lot of work for two people to be a successful couple…and even more work when that couple is GLBT. In the big picture, heterosexuals have it easier. They draw enormous support – continuously and unconsciously – from existing political and social institutions, religion, and their cultural history. It’s all set up for them. As GLBT people, our attempts to scale the political barrier to same-sex marriage (or legitimization of our commitment) continue to meet with opposition, despite brave leads from many clear-thinking locales. And some aspects of GLBT life are not very “couple-friendly.” For many newly out GLBT men and women, life is about getting laid, having fun, going out and making out with attractive men/women. This emphasis on individual self-pleasuring doesn’t align well with coupledom. Lucky for us here in San Diego, we have a lot of support for GLBT couples…and yet, why is it so hard to be part of a couple?

In a committed GLBT relationship, by allowing your partner to get to know you intimately, you are inviting those less-than-lovely parts of yourself to come out loud and clear. You and he/she are opening a Pandora’s Box of “previous unresolved life problems”… you know, the box you buried in the backyard, hoping never to open again. And it is even more challenging for us GLBT couples, because most therapists and psychology books use a heterosexual couple’s therapy.

When two men (or two women or a bisexual or trans man or woman) commit to each other, the dynamics aren’t the same as the hetero model. I don’t have the space here to go into detail, but suffice it to say that we have unique needs, e.g., a male-male couple may have problems with too strong a desire for a variety of sexual outlets and too weak a desire for vulnerability and intimacy. In hetero couples, the male and female stereotypes often play out, e.g. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and that kind of stuff. As GLBTers, we are inventing our own genres of love and making up the rules as we go.

Conflict is vital to the growth of any couple. We try to avoid conflict, but that’s impossible. It’s more useful to focus on how do you resolve your disagreements and irritations with your partner? How do you talk about them? Or don’t you? Can you stand tall (yet flexible) through the tough times, or do you crumble and run away (literally or emotionally)? Couple-hood is not for sissies. It’s for adults who are willing to tolerate discomfort and the messiness of growing together with someone who will inevitably drive you crazy one minute and then incite you to wild kisses the next. We can say, “She’s wrong, I’m right” and act like narcissistic little children or we can see our lover as “doing us a favor” by showing us the parts of ourselves that are still screwed up and need work. Being part of a couple is like shining a flashlight on the parts of yourself that are childish or immature. Your partner will know all and see all of you. This is not for the timid or weak.

Sure, GLBT relationships are hard…but the possible rewards are pretty amazing. A truly loving relationship helps us to know ourselves, know our partner, and be willing to spend time and energy to help each other grow to become the men and women that we wish to be.